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C.O.A.E.E.(Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 6

Last Sunday I decided that I'm going to start the week better no matter how bad I feel. And I did feel bad. Why? Because period pains are real pains, people! And they make women be meaner to you once a month, every month!

Sometimes it's the pain, sometimes it's you. Remember that, stop escaping responsibility! Strap on a pair and be a better person! I know you didn't ask for this advice, I gave it to you anyway. You're welcome! For more such wise answers to your daily suffering, send an email at gogocherieanswersyourshit@gmail.com and you will receive an answer. Sooner or later. I am pretty busy trying to get my own shit together.

In order to achieve that I made myself plan the week ahead. I creatively called it The Meal Plan and I picked recipes for every meal and then I shopped, to make sticking to the list possible. I also thought about replacing the sugary crap in my house with better snacks, so that I can get some sweetness in my bowl, but have it be the less evil one. I have decided honey is my friend. And yes, I know, what you'll say! Sugar is sugar and it doesn't make a difference, it's all evil. My policy? If it's good enough for the bears it's good enough for me! I'm going on a bear diet! Honey, berries, nuts and fish! Chill, I'm kidding, I'm trying to find balance not start another fad diet. There are plenty of those! That being said, lemme walk through my week.

Monday. Pre-breakfast: greek yogurt, a banana, nuts that I've been keeping in a honey jar and a splash of lime. Exactly one hour and 30 min later I was as hungry as Trump is to sit in the damn presidential chair! Proper breakfast: Baked eggs&feta in a lovely tomato sauce. On my way back from work I ate pistachios on the street, cause I'm a trendsetter. When I reached home base I had a big ass bowl of heart warming minestrone soup. Dinner was baked salmon with sweet peas and mashed veg (potato, carrots, swede). That night I experimented with peanut butter&oats cookies. There were good when fresh outta the oven, but the second day, they turned very bready on me. That got me thinking that I could turn this "failed cookie" recipe into a "successful tiny breads" recipe. I'll keep at it, I'll let the world know if I hit gold.

Tuesday started off with Jamie's blooming breakfast, which I love! Toasted oats, dollop of yogurt, mango, hot syrupy blueberries and half a banana. Lunch was minestrone. I successfully snacked on peanut butter failed cookies and white chocolate, mint&orange zest covered almonds. They don't look at good as they taste, I'll tell you that! One lunch wasn't enough, so I had another one in the form of leftover baked egg and feta with spinach salad and a poppadom. What is a poppadom you ask? Why, it's a magical thing! Papadum is a thin, crisp disc-shaped food typically made from black chickpea gram flour! It's usually deep fried, but thanks to the magic of internet and Mr.Oliver I am microwaving these lil' bitches and I'm loving them! It's like eating a big ass potato crisp! It smells fried even if it isn't, it's crispy and tasty and ready for love!

I also ate half a mango and pistachios. Then for dinner: chicken&squash cacciatore.

Oh, and I made bread. Wholemeal & rye flour, oats,buttermilk, egg and bicarbonate of soda. No proving, no kneading. Stir it, shape it, babe! 40 min in the oven and you have fresh bread! And it's a very tasty bread! Farewell, bought bread! Hello, sexy bread maker!

Wednesday was definitely a good day. It began with eggs and popped beans with ricotta toast. Add pomegranate&lime water to that and we're feeling fancy! It was a great way to start the day, I'll tell you that! Aaaaand it kept me going for a while! Lunch was a ricotta poppadom with salad. Dinner was sushi (does happy dance and drools all over keyboard). I also had a chai latte that was waaaay to sugary for my taste! Must remember to mention that I don't want diabetes in a mug, just the tea for now, thank you!

Thursday was bircher muesli day. Well, not all day, just in the beginning of the day. Then I ate 2 peanut butter oats cookies on my way back from work. I was so surprisingly full, that I just snacked on some white chocolate almonds and parked my ass in bed. I dived into some minestrone at some point, then had a sandwich and a salad for dinner. Why? Because I was making cheesecake! Why? What kind of question is that?!

Theeen me and my boyfriend spend 3 hours project managing my life. Fo' reals. So, naturally, somewhere along the way we got hungry again so we soup-ed. Minestrone again. Hey, it's there, it's easy, you know soup is the answer!

On Friday I repeated Wednesday's breakfast, because I had some leftover popped beans and tomatoes. After work times, which were very short, I come home to find a new mattress on our bed! Yaaay, a chance at a better life! Nooo, I'm not exaggerating, stop judging me, you hardly even know meeeeee!

This was also the day my running shoes arrived. First impression? Man, they're ugly! But, sweet chocolate Jesus, are the comfy! All that padding to correct my faulty walking makes it feel like I'm supported! A lot of cushion for the pushin'! Yes, I know what that means. Do you know what that means? I feel it suits my situation perfectly, so I'm using it here and if your mind wants to wonder around in naughty places, that's all on you, child! Don't be blaming me for your rightfully dirty mind! ;)

Lunch was grilled chicken tenders with zucchinies, peppers& onions that I tossed with garlic olive oil and crumbled feta and parmesan. Yum! We ate that with a big salad with and it was goood! Dinner was the chicken cacciatore thang with poppadom.

See that lil' bit of cheesecake right there? Lemme tell you the story. Girl dreams of cheesecake for months and months. Girl resists temptation until she can't no longer. Girl decided cheesecake is not that bad and she can make a better version by replacing the white dust of the evil man with the golden drip of the gods and the biscuit base with hazelnuts and almond meal/flour. On top she put a mixture of sour cream and whipping cream that she worked on with her hands. For a while, then she got tired and called Mr.Two Speeds to come on over and help. She then added some Bailey's to that creamy thing, to get things nice and smooth and ssexy. Then she grabbed strawberries, she cut them right up and put them in a small pan to sweat their sweet off. All they needed was a tiny drip of water to start that sauna of love and they were on their way! When they were nice and soft and they were dripping hot, red, sticky syrup, I added the raspberries and the blueberries. I mixed them gently, just enough to get them coated in the juice and then it was all done. The green stuff is basil, cause that's how I roll.

Ultimate feedback? The cheesy part was just as good without the sugar. The crust part? I can't deal with the nuts, man. It's just not the same. I'll ponder if the exchange if actually worth it. I'm currently leaning towards "no".

Saturday. The good day! I woke up at 9:30, had toasted oats with yogurt and fruit, grabbed my yoga mat and went to a studio for the first time in forever! This place was recommended to me, was closer by than city center and I was in desperate need for a place, so hopes were high. It was everything I needed it to be. The first time in a long time that I felt at peace! It was hard work, but it came with the feeling that I was up for it, that I could handle it if I just focus and take it step by step. That's why I need yoga, so that I can learn to take that feeling outside the studio, off the yoga mat and into the wild wild world. Monthly pass, here I come!

One of the greatest feelings was getting out that door - body all worked up - and being wrapped up crisp, fresh air! The area is filled with big, tall trees and has a cosy small village feel to it. Man,that's wellness right there! I felt alive, alive I tell ya'!

Then my new found friend, who recommended the place and was also there invited me for tea in the village center. Tea, honey, eggs benedict (too much lemon in the hollandaise sauce, had to be said) and good conversation. What more can one ask for?

I got home at one point, had to edit some pictures and get ready for the movies and dancing. I haven't danced in a while! In the good old days, I danced almost every week. Things have certainly changed a lot since then. In those days I would almost always wear this one pair of shorts. The last time I tried them I think it was autumn time and I thought they made my legs look like short tree trunks, so I decided against wearing them. This time I had another surprise. They were falling off of me! Whaaaat? And they were very loose on my thighs as well!  Well, what do you know? The trunks got smaller!

 I was running out of time and I didn't expect to have to decide on wearing something else, so instead of changing I took one of my big ass bow shaped broaches and changed the position of one button and prayed to the Buddha it would hold! Cause if they fall it's a full moon in Dublin tonight, boys! 

On the way to the movies we had a Subway sandwich, cause it was late, we were hungry and I refuse to eat a ratchet cinema hot dog! Ate sandwich on the street, like an animal!

Dinner was Korean barbecue and sushi! Also, plum wine liquor which I loooove!  

Then we danced. I had 2 vodka & cranberry juice and water. And and eye full of drunken, irresponsible, ungraceful homies and bitches. And I say that with all due respect.

Needles to say, Sunday was a wake up whenever the fuck you want" kind of day. I woke up with all the muscle pain in the world! I couldn't even lift my tea mug to my mouth without exhaling in pain! Wtf?! I think I wasn't as ready for the yoga jelly as I seemed! My mind was strong but my body was weak. Now I suffer the consequences. 

"Breakfast"? Cheescake. Lunch? Chicken cacciatore with poppadom. Dinner? Kebab with homemade big ass salad. #saynotothefries

Enough talking, I need to post this fast if I wanna have a chance at sticking with a freaking schedule! It's gonna be a bumpy ride next week! Body has no idea I plan to take it on a yoga and running roller-coaster! Hoooray, I finally had a less unhappy week!

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 5

This weeks motto was "And when you think it can't get worse, it totally does!"

My back pain was acting up, I had a cold and a stiff fockin' neck and I kept remembering my dad and dreaming of him being in pain and dying all over again. So, all in all, not the best week. But, hey, not the worst either! Come on, stop feeling sorry for me! I'm definitely trying to! I'll walk you through what I ate real fast and then I'll tell what I learnt from this terrible week.

Here we go:

Monday morning I ate this. This, ladies and gents is Le Pecan. We love Le Pecan, unfortunately. Its crispy outside, the gooey-jammy center, the pecan nuts here and there...What's not to love, right?

Then, before a lil' bit o' work I ate a sandwich. Hey, it had peppers on the side, so it wasn't that bad.

That day I Lidl-ed. Yes, I use it as a verb now, deal with it. It was Polish week. I bought kabanos sausages, horseradish sauce in a jar and kaizer/Polish bacon. This bacon is just like the Romanian one and it is superior to any other bacon in the world! Yes, I said it and I meant it! I also bought wafers! I saw them sitting there all alone and lovely. Reminded me of the ones I used to eat when I was little, when life was simple and I still had a dad. Yes, that's the fucked up train of thought that lead to me buying them.

I got home and ate Hungarian goulash. Made by me, a Romanian. With a backpack full of Polish groceries. What can I say? I love my eastern European shit !

Waffle waffle, stay in bed, feel all crappy, sick and sad!

This right here is a grilled chicken kebab that I ate in bed while watching That 70's Show. Glorious. Simply glorious, I know.

Tuesday I forced my ass out of bed, because the house felt like chaos and I had to clean it. I hate being sick in a dirty house. I started lazily with awesome Romanian treats from Romanian's friends mom: cornulete cu rahat! Crumbly dough and bits of soft and chewy turkish delight. Alongside that, I tried a black tea flavored milk with chai spices. Since I can't have to proper thing cause I get dizzy and shit, this was a nice trick.

So, 11:17 this:

12:15 One and a half slices of bread with aubergine spread and tomatoes.

14:13 Carrot and ginger soup.

15:47 Goulash. That stuff just gets better and better.

21:00 Goulash. Again. I had some leftovers and I was lazy. What? Oh, shut up!

21:20 Had some cream cheese&cocoa frosting from the whole cake project and I thought "Hey, there's something very wrong I can do!" Took two bites and felt sick and dizzy, so I threw it away.

23:00 Cleaning done. Shower done. Sandwich and tea and pills. Chill.

Wednesday

11:35 Omelette, toast, porchetta, peppers and tomatoes.

13:00 Chocolate biscuit cake. Romanian made. Good stuff, man, really good stuff!

16:10 Mashed potato&carrot with stuffed chicken breast and peas.

20:00 Polenta. Sausage. Cheese. Heavy on the Romanian stuff this week! Tummy felt heavy and fat.

Thursday was a real low point. Woke up after a nasty dream. Cried a bit, I ain't gonna lie. Felt exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Can't fucking catch a break. Rolled my sad ass out of bed and into the kitchen because lalalalala life goes on.

By lunch time, whatever the fuck that means, I felt hungry but also nauseous so I was confused. And hungry. And sad. I started watching some Beyonce because I needed some life force, some girl power, some motivation. It then occurred to me that I felt like eating pasta with something very light, like 2 flavours and lots of lovin'. I went for spaghetti with ricotta cheese and lemon. Topped with basil and parmesan. It was nice.

After that, I gave up. I went upstairs into the bedroom that now had 2 beds. Why? Because we sleep like shit in the first one. We're trying out another one. We're exchanging mattresses and surfaces and all that jazz so that maybe, just maybe I could get a fucking good night sleep. I'll still have the nightmares, sure, but maybe I won't wake up because of the back pain anymore. That way I can have longer nightmares that I can at least turn into movies/books later on, when my career will blossom from nothingness into something. And then I'll die. Where was I? Ah, yes. So, I picked a bed and sat there, eating white chocolate, grapes and chocolate wafers, watching Beyonce and Golden Girls. No, I'm not kidding. I'm a hot mess, baby. Come and get it.

I had a bath, thinking that would help with the cold thing and the "relax for fuck sake!" thing. Instead, I got all hot and dizzy, things turned black and I seemed to have lost my hearing for like a minute or so. I landed back in bed and stayed there for a while. At some point, I made myself a frozen pizza and a hot tea. Everything I eat, I eat in bed today. That is it.

I decided I need an outlet. I need yoga. I will start running. I will go dancing. To deal, to forget, to accept. I need to help myself, nobody else can't do that for me. Sorry to bum you guys out, but sometimes things just suck. Sometimes you fall into a big fucking dark hole and it's hard to climb back. Especially with weak knees and a plump booty. Don't worry, I'll rise up! Slowly and maybe not gracefully, but the end result is what matters here!

Friday. Overnight oats with grated apples. Bad combo. Don't do it. Just don't, it's a disappointment waiting to happen. Ate half in disgust.

11:44 Sandwich. Tea.

14:12 Cabbage and bacon stew with polenta.

19:30 Spicy wings with sweet roasted potatoes and blue cheese sauce. Yup, we done fucked up. Delicious fuck up,though.

It was dirty, saucy, spicy and all over the place. Juuuuuuicy!

Nutella on a stick, man! Half for me, half for lover boy. With warm milk, of course! Because that's sssexy (Sssylvester ssssexy)

Saturday I woke up at 12:00. Wtf happened there?! No ideea...I guess I was tired. I don't know what's going on. I'd freak out, but I'm too exhausted.

12:20 Slice of bread, salami, butter, tea. Real old school cafeteria-like food. The Cafeteria Of The Poor and Depressed.

16:00 Le Raisin. With milk. Behind it you can see a failed dough that was supposed to become something but instead failed at life. Hey, just like me!

18:00 Leftover sssufferin' succotash wings with broccoli. Remember that dough that didn't become what she wanted to? I stuck it in the oven just to see what happens. Poured some olive oil on it, salt and pepper. Got something between a flat bread and a huge ass grissini. No, I'm definitely not projecting. 

12:30 Cabbage stew with polenta. Why then? Because that's when we were hungry. And because we're just plain stupid.

Sunday was Pizza Day. You'll read all about that on The Friends Food Challenge. Shh, no spoilers!

Oh, and this:

Ooops, I did it again!

Yeah. And this:

Le Pecan undercover as Le Raisin! 

And that, boys and girls is my Semana Terrible right here. That's Spanish for "I fucked up and I blame life, because it's unfair and hard!". I promised myself to try and help myself and I'll eat better this week and once my running shoes appear, by the magical ways of home delivery, I'll get the party started. Hope I don't fall on my face! Fingers crossed! 

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 4

Or the "Trainwreck" Week. Yes, it was worse than the week before. Much, much worse. I spiraled out of control, people! This week felt like a long day. No beginning, no end in sight and a lot of crap eating in between. I present to you the longest day or the shortest week, pick your favorite. Don't expect exact time, or day, or anything. Just don't expect anything.

Everything started with a sandwich. A sandwich and a pepper.

This here is a whatever quesadilla. Whatever I found here and there I put inside and covered in cheese. Eat with salad.

Then I ate some cereals because the craving and it didn't stop until I put my face into the damn milk and sugar concoction of doom.

And then I wake up and it's Pancake Day! Well, what's a girl to do?

A mountain of pancakes. To cover in cream and maple syrup and pears in rum. Share with boyfriend. Pancake days are the best days.

Yo, you need some veggies up in this biatch!

Then I had soup and a sandwich filled with leftover veggies and an egg from earlier.

Overnight oats with banana and almonds and raisins and stuff. Uh, pears on top!

Lalalalalalaaaaa, cabbage power! With sausage and polenta.

Aaaand theeeen we went into the city to see Deadpool and eat donuts at McDonald's. Hey, it rhymes! The donuts were not from McDonald's. I bought them across the street, from the tiny box-shaped shop outside of the casino. They have the best donuts!

I ate 3! 3 donuts in one sitting?! Oh, Lord, I've lost the ability to give fucks!

Oh, and McDonald's. Something with bacon on top and guilt. Oh, the smell of giving up on yourself!

Once upon a time there was this house I cleaned once in a while. Inside this house lived two lovely people and a dog. The dog's name is Bounty. Because he is white and flaky. Very coconut looking. After looking at him for almost 2 hours I had to do this. The craving was real.

Carrot and ginger soup with toast and basil&garlic butter.

Tuna spaghetti with ricotta on top.

Pasta- the more you eat, the more you want.

Bread. Ricotta. Prosciuto. Spinach.

Eggs on wilted spinach, toast with prosciuto, gruyere and a bit of pepper.

Grapefruit!

Sandwiches happened. I ain't gonna lie. No point.

Since I worked and I had 2 cakes to bake and I was tired as fuck, I went for frozen pizza. No work involved, no dishes to wash. Just fast and easy. And wrong. I know! You don't have to shout it at me!

Le "Omg, this egg white omelet really shrunk!". Let us compensate with guacamole and tomato salad, mortadela and cheese. Grapefruit and mango on the horizon.

Ricotta on toast with sour cherry preserve. Homemade. Heaven. Sugar. Death. Lost. Forever.

Stuffed chicken (spinach&mozarella) wrapped in pancetta. Ate with roasted veggies (from a bag, cause I got frosting to make!).

Later that day, bread with aubergine salad. Oh, the love!

What followed was a crazy feast of cakes and tortillas and frozen pizzas. Pour rom&coke and Hungarian palinca all over that and you got a wonderful disaster. Party like you're 20, even though you're definitely not 20 anymore. I am in need of some serious counselling.

Woke up to cake. No picture available. But it happened. Oh, it happened.

Then we went and ate mexican food from a truck! Best thing ever! Huevos rancheros and burrito!

Don't forget the movie hotdog! It was all sorts of bad. Congratulations! You magically transformed into a pig!

We ended it all with soup and aubergine salad on toast.

Whoa, what a day/week. I'm miles away from getting my shit together. Balance, where the fuck are you? I'm alone in the dark, you bitch! Looking for you!!!! Stop hiding! Show yourself, you cunt!

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 3

I like to call this week "The happy pig" week. Because I ate like a pig at times and I felt happy. At times.

Monday

Monday started real classy with a late breakfast of Prosciuto&melone. Before leaving for work, I realized I'm gonna need something else in my tummy to keep me going, so I buttered a piece of toast, put cheese on it and enjoyed it.

Got a Fit Bit bracelet that I tried for the first time, was happy to see that my working days are indeed quite active days. Gave me a sort of motivation to spike that heartbeat more and give that thing more steps to count.

Late lunch was a delight! Baked feta in tomato sauce with pita and a salad. It tasted better than it looks. Believe me! And it's one of those simple things that are just so cosy and joyful when you put them in your mouth. Yes, yes, McWhoree, we all get what you mean. Move it along now.

At 20:00 I started looking at the time and documenting my battle. At 20:00 biscuits thoughts began appearing. I imagined them floating around and meeting a chunky piece of cinnabon ice cream! I saw them creating the perfect ice cream sandwich, right there, in the air. Like magic it was! Black magic.

At 20:40 I eat soup to smother the dirty thoughts and help the hunger and the cold.

At 21:01 Biscuit thoughts are vultures, man. They wait and wait and when you're at you're at your weakest they come for your ass! I must have had a biscuit and then blacked out because of the unique combo of headache, cold, chocolate biscuit, guilt and self loathing.

At 22:59 (exactly!) I was sitting in my chair with a sandwich and a mug of hot cocoa. Cause I was hungry, sick and I needed comfort. As usual in these situations I turn into a child, I want a hot sandwich, my cocoa, my fluffy blanket and cartoons/series. Oh, what an impressive grownup little girl I managed to "become". #proud :|

Around 2 am I went to sleep land. Buh-bye, world!

Tuesday

Breakfast time is around 11. Ham and haloumi omlette. HHO. HoHoOo! With piece of toast and tomatoes.

13:09 Le biscuit crave strikes again!

15:29 Oh, no, feeling hungry. Darling, what ever shall we do?

15:40 Ate almonds. My brilliant response to hunger.

15:45 Yoga Camp, day 3.

17:10 Lunch. Pasta with leftover tomatoes and feta from the day before cleverly combined with leftover prawns and newly chopped zucchini. Ate half. Saved other half for later. Cause I know myself. I know what's gonna happen.

17:23 I have decided to eat ALL the biscuits! Today. And drink wine. It is imperative that I do so. Apparently.

17:40 Let the madness begin! Or not? I am afraid. 13 biscuits, baby. That's a scary number. I call this the Biscuit Tower Challenge. Let the games begin!

17:42 Headache persists. Chocolate and wine is pretty much one of the worst things I could do right now. Hmm...I think I'm gonna do it anyway. Rationality didn't stand a chance. May the odds be ever in your favor!

17:44 One down. 12 to go.

17:54 Very sleepy. Like stoned levels of sleepy. I blame carbs. My favorite drug <3

17:55 Second biscuit!

18:45 Third. On a roll, no self control!

20:40 The other half of the pasta.

23:40 Forth and last biscuit. I win! Kinda.

01:20 Falling asleep. Good night, you crazy carb craving world!

Wednesday

9:30 Woke up.

10:40 Stayed in bed, summoning the courage to start yet another day.

You ungrateful little bitch! Boohoo, I get to live another day! Poor lil'ol'me! I make myself sick.

11:25 Breakfast. Jamie's brilliant bloomin 'breakfast. Toasted oats, yogurt, fruits and stuff. 

Fennel seeds with oats is awesome! Jamie, you brilliant bastard!

13:00 Thirsty but busy :|

13:28 *Decides to stop being stupid and drink some fucking water* 

13:29 *Eats almonds while she's at it*

13:30 I celebrate my 3 day headache by looking myself in the mirror with pity and a bit of disgust. Best celebration ever! Now get back to that screen that gives you the bloody headache in the first place.

13:56 I'm hungry! And not happy about it! Let make something that resembles real food and fill that hole with it! Fast!

14:50 Quinoa-semi fail-tortillas, porchetta, goacamole, parmesan, feta, peppers.

16:25 Sick of having to sit. Paaaaain from computer. Evil things...me..sad..cannot use wordS anymore. Just sounds! AAAAAAH! I want something sweet in my bowl to cover up the sad.

16:35 Took a break from it all. On my way to the couch I see...THE ENEMY! Last night comes flashing back! I look the tower of biscuits in the Sauron imagined eye ball, I grab them and dump those bastards into the garbage! Enough with the torment! Be gone!

I start writing again, I'm hungry but I postpone eating while writing about how wrong it is to postpone eating. Hypocrite much? Stupid much? Stubborn much?! A bit of everything.

18:35 I continue my suffering because I can't control myself. I eat almonds. Hooray! Good for me. I'll eat sarcasm for dinner!

19:36 I end it all. With cheat pizza. Pizza on flat-bread. Now, that was a seriously delicious flat ass with stuff on top!

22:16 Had two slices of pizza left, I got hungry and ate those. Sue me!

00:00 Sleep. I try to sleep.

Thursday

9:00 I'm alive, Jesus! I'm alive!

9:55 Breakfast was another variation on Jamie's breakfast. Why? Because I enjoy it and it fills me up and I feel quite alive after eating that.

14:20 Then, after work, I ate leftover quesadilla on a bench in the park. Like a homeless lady. Except I have a home.

Got home. Rested, watched That 70's Show and ate an alfajor. An alfawhore. Wink fucking wink!

My phat cat judged my phat decision. He looks like he doesn't approve of my life choices. I've even managed to disappoint the cat. New record! 

17:50 Lunch? Dinner? In between meal to compensate the "lunch on the bench" experience? Who the fuck knows? Does anyone care at this point? No! Here is a picture of my chicken and veg. Carrots, parsnip, peppers, mushrooms and that's all I can remember. Was tasty, though.

20:30 Ice cream. I don't know why!!! Just...don't ask. Fuck it.

22:35 Dumplings&chicken soup. Peace out!

Friday

8:27 Woke up. Early day today. I hate being a grown up.

9:20 Breakfast. Fast. Move fast! Come oooon! Slice of bread+salami+cheese+pepper. Breaaaathe! Rice cake+peanut butter+yogurt+honey+cinnamon. Ruuuun!

12:20 Went to the store on my way back home. Bought milk, mozzarella, protein bars. Gave into temptation and took home a lil'ol' orphaned pastry delight. Realized it's been months since I last had one. And, man, I used to eat a lot of those babies! Not real babies. Read again. Don't freak out. I am not eating orphaned babies. I have 99 problems, but, you know, that ain't one.

Thanks to this pastry apparition, I observed (once more) how fucked up my brain is. Yaaaay! 

I'll walk you through it. The minute I saw that, I imagined myself enjoying that with a cup of warm milk, in bed, watching something mindless. Then it hit me that I felt entitled to that "fix" because I was sick, and I feel I deserve any help I can get. Here's a little conversation that happened in my head:

  • Oh, these things! I love these things! I soo want one!
  • No, no, it's wrong. Don't do it!
  • On the other hand, it's been so long since I pastry in my mouth. Can't even remember the last time!
  • I know! It was months ago!
  • No, I shouldn't...
  • Oh, poor you! Having to resist this when you're sick! On top of everything! You already had to wake up early and work and walk and face the world...
  • Yeah! You deserve this! Take it! You'll make a whole moment out of it. Stay in bed, hot cup of milk, warm delicious pastry, watch something and just..be. Uh, imagine the comfort!

Yup, that's how it works. Now you know.

13:31 Bed. Cat. Jamie's book. Reading about a balanced plate and a balanced life. Protein bar. Pills. Bears. Sniff sniff.

Somehow, I ate some nuts and then it was night time. Boyfriend came back from London. Smuggled brownie for me! Awww! The greatest love of all! Sing it, Whitney!

 20:00 Dinner. Grilled chicken and roasted veggies with cheese.

23:00 The pastry thing and the brownie! Hey, I know, let's be bad and eat them now! You know it's the worst possible time to do that, so, let's go for it!

01:00 Nighty night, you sinners! 

Saturday


The Ikea day. You know what happened there, don't pretend you don't know. 

Breakfast was clean, Jamie's toasted oats with things and stuff again. What?! I really like it!

Then I might have had a panic attack that lasted for a while. Couldn't breathe properly, it felt really heavy on my chest and my stomach. I'll tell you something right now: If you think you're having a panic attack, Ikea is the place you go to know! I mean that place will either confirm your madness or drive into one! So many children! So many people! And again soooo many children! All running around and shit! It was the thing nightmares are made of. By the time we got there, it was already past lunch time and we were hungry and exhausted from the crazy bus ride and the walking in the stormy wind called Jonas or something equally ridiculous. 

Point is: we went straight for the meatballs. Yes, that is cheesecake. Mhm, that is a Swedish bun. Hey, you only go to Ikea once! You gotta live in the moment!

I was tempted by chocolate, but Ikea clearly advises against that. 

So we did nöt.

We got home at 21:00. Hungry as fuck. Had soup and a sandwich with leftover chicken and veg.

Oh, and we shared the Swedish bun. If you know what I mean.

End of day.

Sunday

On Sunday we went crazy. We started off ok, but then...things happened.

Breakfast was this:

Then we cleaned the cupboards to re-organize stuff and throw away chocolate. We tasted some of them before throwing them away. You know, to say goodbye. 

We had movie night with people. We ordered pizza. We ate ice cream. It was amazing and really really bad.

Hey, 3 pizzas for 4 people is not that big of a crime. Plus we couldn't eat it all, so we had some on Monday. No, not for breakfast. I definitely stopped doing that. Here is a picture of ice cream: 

That was the end of it all. Long story short: I have no idea what I'm doing.

This was Week 3. See you next week. And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, forever and ever and ever. Or for as long as I can keep this up, let's start being realistic here! Now smile and wave, boys! Mamma's done for the day!

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Week 2

Le Weekend- When bad things happened. We received a grandma package from back home. Yes, it was filled with brownies and wafer cookies. All fresh, delicious and plenty.

Also, this happened at some point. Don't worry, it wasn't that good.

And this:

That's spaghetti with tuna and zucchini in a tomato sauce, topped with mozzarella. Yup, evil weekend.

Monday

11:00 Breakfast time! On Sunday a friend invited me (via the magic of facebook) to join the "Girls who eat oats in the morning" club. If you're not a foodie this sound very weird. Just roll with it, man. So, yogurt mixed with oats and almond it is! Leave them overnight in the fridge to puff up and soften up and all those lovely things. I mixed mine with vanilla, honey and lemon zest, stirred and tucked it to sleep. In the morning, I took it out of the fridge, topped it with mango, blueberries, pumpkin seeds and a drizzle of maple syrup.

I felt full and energized! What a lovely surprise after 10 days of crawling through life on an empty tank AND stomach, for that matter.

13:30 to 15:20 Cleaned a house. Fast and efficient! Very surprising!

15:25 Felt very very hungry. On my way home, I, of course, went to Lidl- The Disneyland of the poor.

16:15 Yay! Managed to spend less than an hour in there and tormented myself waaay less compared to that other time! I declared it a success! I celebrated that success by eating a banana+some roasted&salted cashew nuts on my way home.

16:45 Hoooneeey, I'm hooome! I watered some plants, changed my shoes, put the groceries in the fridge and then decided to stop doing anything else and eat! I have this gift to get wrapped up in silly things and not prioritize what I should prioritize! Had some grilled chicken leftover in the fridge, so I decided to use that in a salad. Lettuce, chicken, carrot sticks, apple slices, grated gruyere cheese, walnuts and cranberries. Filled up on half of that and then started dancing and doing push ups on the kitchen counter. I don't know what happened, man! It was a magical day! Someone put fuel in my tank and I loooved it!

20:15 I cleaned some things, re-organized some other things and then got hungry again. Ate some pastrami with cottage cheese, some tomato and onion salad and a slice of bread. Life felt simple again! It was a nice feeling.

21:46 Uh, uh, I'm getting hungry. Nooooo!

21:50 Ate 3, no, 6 pistachios.

23:10 Pistachio business is good! I'm afraid I'll turn green. It's a pretty green, but hey, It's still green.

23:19 Thinking of a banana. Not just a banana, in general. One specific banana. In a brown paper bag. Downstairs. In my kitchen. Waiting for me. Whispering sweet, nasty things in slytherin.

23:21 Too lazy to get out of bed, so banana's efforts to lure me in are pointless. Instead, I answer the calling of grissini from the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I like to keep my forbidden stash close.Why? Because I want to make sure I fail at life! I can't risk giving myself a chance! I might make it! What the fuck am I gonna do then?!

Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Day over.

Tuesday

10:30 Woke up. Started counting. No, not stars. Pains and aches. 1.Headache. 2. Latimus dorsi- repetitive strain ache + neck. 3. Lower back pain. Sciatica is sssexy. 4. Period pains. 

There you go: 4 reasons to start drinking in the morning!

10:56 Morning yoga. Necessary yoga. Stiff, old lady yoga.

11:11 Tea. One teaspoon of honey, honey.

11:32 Breakfast. Same overnight oatmeal thing. Different stuff on top. Hoping to re-create yesterdays energetic experience.

13:00 Still resisting the grandma brownies. Feels like a fucking countdown to giving in. Will I eat it now? Will I eat it now? Will I eat it later?! Exhausting!

12:58 Tea. With just a hint of Soplitza. Magical Polish booze with hazelnut flavor. Come on, baby, give mamma a kiss on the lips!

13:39 I'm hungry. Question is: am i proper hungry or is it just an illusion? Let's wait and see what happens.

15:00 Waited for a while now. Hungry. Lunch. Omlette du fromage with tomato salad, grilled pastrami, and some whipped cheese. 

15:09 Had my very last bite.Two fucking minutes later I craved something sweet with my entire soft body!

15:24 I have a brownie. I wish to have them all. Damn you grandma! You and your evil delicious treats that no one asked for but you sent anyway, so that we'd be fat forever!

15:26 Thank you, grandma. They are very yummy. No, we are not ungrateful privileged white kids with no respect for your love and efforts.

15:49 I feel sleepy and I would like to sleep in a sleepy way.

16:38 Two pieces of sugar happiness+a headache. Well done! I am so proud of myself right now :/

17:17 Feeling really thirsty. Which means I'm already dehydrated. Yay. I am doing everything right today! How about you drink more water and eat less cake, smart ass?!

18:20 Drank some water. Ate some more devil brownie. That's it, tomorrow I'm giving them away! If temptation is in every corner of your home, spreading its delicious smells and flaunting its chocolatyness with every occasion, you're gonna give in at some point! Or repeatedly!  Time to put that chocolate slut on the streets, where she belongs!

Between that and dinner all that happened was headache. All that I felt was headache. All that remained in my world and in the entire world, universe included was this bitchy headache that wouldn't go the fuck away!

21:40 Dinner. Beef and vegetable sour soup best known as the mighty, life-saving ciorba. It is believed to have magical healing powers. For the body and the soul. I can't be alone in this! I'm sure that are people out there who feel the same! Soup lovers from around the world, unite! Captain Planet style! ;)

I do not have a picture for this, I forgot to snap one every-time. Sorry. 

2:00 Yes, a.m. Glass of milk + last brownie. Goodbyeeee, brownnies!

2:25 Went to bed. Lights out, honey! You've been a very bad girl!

Wednesday 

10:30 Rise and shine!

10:56 Water! Drink water! You really need that!

11:30 Breakfast. Same oats. Pears (tossed with cinnamon&lemon juice), strawberries, basil, honey.

12:19 Ate slowly. The Never-ending Oats, ladies and gentlemen, the title of my first book! A lovely fairy tale about the miracle grain that is the oat. The magic is wearing off, only managed to eat half of that. I am officially getting bored. Experiments are hard.

13:11 Kinda empty down there in the belly district. Let's try drinking some water, maybe the hunger goes away.

Ate nuts. That's all I remember. I was busy. Didn't wanna waste time cooking, was hungry, ate nuts. Not the best idea. But not the worst either, considering I have Ben&Jerry's Cinnabon ice cream in the freezer. You know what I mean?!

17:00 Lunch. Cabbage, onions, carots, smoky meat. Put them together and you've got yourself a treat. Add a fried egg, drop some polenta on that plate, and you're done! It's really tasty. Didn't quite fill me up, though. Should have had more of that.

19:00 I ate the last of those much advertised grissini. To get it over with! Plus, I was hungry and lazy.

22:00 Yeah, dried bread sticks are not really that nutritious. A shocker, I know! So, I had half of a sandwich, half a bowl of soup and a chocolate digestive biscuit.

And then I just blacked out. Nighty night!

Thursday

10:30 Woke up. Back pain, hello! Headache, hi there! 

10:32 Yeah, fuck you guys!

11:00 Woke up again. If at first you don't succeed...give it a half an hour and hope for magic?

11:30 Ok, magic doesn't exist. I'm getting out of bed.

12:02 Breakfast. Yeah, I know what time it is. It's breakfast to me, cause it's the first meal of the day! Shut up, you can't tell me what to do! I had porridge, ok?! Judge that too! God, I can't catch a break.

Ate half, cause I'm kinda sick of oats at this point. The other half landed in the garbage. It is what it is, not all of us make it. Some get eaten, some get thrown away. It's a hard life for oats everywhere!

13:30 Yoga Camp- Yoga with Adriene. On youtube! For free! I love her! She's the best! You should check her out!

14:40 Man, hunger comes at you like a bitch! All of a sudden and out of nowhere! Let's cook something fast! 

15:20 Fast my ass! Still too slow! Damn it!  Anyway, lunch. Grilled chicken + roasted veg (from a bag, frozen) + tomato and mozzarella salad. 

15:40 Done! Full tummy, yes, sir!

16:57 Roasted cashews time. And a bite out of a very dark chocolate. Why? Because I was bored. I was reading and the automatism to just put something in one's mouth kicked in. Made me realize how fucked up and unnecessary that is! And what an evil rooted habit it is...

17:00 Dizzy. Because black chocolate was too black for me to handle. No, that is not racist. Don't roll your eyes. And don't you dare pout your lips at me!

19:00 Have a banana! 

19:01 I did! I totally did!

20:00 Would-murder-for-cookie impulse came over me. Out of the freakin' blue!

20:35 Dinner. Soup. Because curry takes forever and we're too hungry for that bullshit. No, I don't have a picture. No, I wasn't really fulfilled.

21:34 Half of pear. Eating those cakes was clearly a mistake! Now my body craves the sugar intake it got used too. I feel like a crack addict. I need the candy, the snow, the smack, man! Gimme IT!

22:20 Some nuts again. Kinda hungry, I'm not gonna lie.

1:00 Sleep. Just sleep. Try again tomorrow.

Friday

10:00 Woke up.

11:00 Breakfast. Ate half.

12:25 Kinda hungry. Had an early lunch, since I was gonna clean a house during proper lunch time. Beef and squash curry with cous cous.

12:39 Now I'm full and ready to go!

14:00 to 16:30 Cleaned house for a delusional, bitchy lil' piece of shit that wanted "everything" done in a big ass house in just 2 hours and 30 min instead of 4 and half, as reality dictates. Why? Because if there weren't any crappy people in the world we wouldn't appreciate the nice ones we usually meet.

16:50 Had a banana and some nuts on my way to Howth. The place where I buy fresh prawns. Because tomorrow is Friends Food Challenge day and that recipe ain't gonna make herself. 

17:something I receive an email stating that future bookings with the delusional have been canceled by the earlier mentioned delusional because she is delusional. I felt angry, mistreated and frustrated. Then I felt sad because there was nothing I could do about it.

I bought my prawns and tried to get a table in a restaurant, which was not easy, without a reservation. Let boyfriend know that he should come, that we should have a nice dinner in a nice place to wash away the ugliness and injustice of that day.

18:32  Found a table at The Brass Monkey. Ordered a chai latte. Waiting, looking through the menu, feeling crappy. Sciatica is hating on me. I want to drawn in sticky toffee pudding until the pain goes away. Miserable state, so of course my instinct was to resort to food. Because food can make it all better. Because food is always there. Because pudding never judges. Toffee always understands.

19:00 We order a bunch of things and decide to share them all. First, we had the Deluxe Clam Chowder. Boy, was it deluxe! Fishy joy in a bowl! Those are indeed pesto prawns floating on that creamy dream :D

Second, the duck liver parfait with crusty bread. Was alright. I have high pate expectations since the London trip and the pate that changed my life. This one didn't stand a chance. Nice, creamy texture, but the flavor was just plain and meaty, no dimensions here.

As a main we ordered the catch of the day, which happened to be salmon. Delicious! The fish was perfectly flaky and juicy, the roasted potatoes and the veggies were just as they should be, no complaints here!

You know we went for the dessert. Don't even ask me that. Sticky toffee pudding it is!

Did it make me feel better? Kind of. It's like having a cold and taking a pain pill. It's a temporary band aid. Then you go back to the pain, cause it didn't fix it. Pudding doesn't do that. I just covered it up, like cats do with their shit. But the shit is still there, you can smell it. Go pick it up and stop eating pudding! You're just eating delicious pudding in the presence of a very bad smell! You're ruining a perfectly good pudding experience!

20:30 Called the bitch to check if her diet consisted mainly of shit or solely of shit. Verdict? Shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner! And for snacks? you ask. Smaller pieces of shit, nut sized. 

20:35 I was angry. I turned to yoga. Yoga said:

But my tits were not easy to calm, cause they were pissed off! Good yoga session though. I'm really focused when I'm mad.

21:30  Wrote angry e-mail for justice purposes. Boyfriend edited angry e-mail because, even though it made some good points, it was aggressive,passive aggressive and sarcastic as fuck. First drafts tend to be like that when dealing with stupidity!

Spoiler alert: justice was served on Monday. It felt good.

12:00 Protein bar. 

12:something Made bed on the floor because the back pain was killing me. Eventually fell asleep.

Conclusions:

1. I need to work on letting thing go. This is no news for me. 

2. Need to keep up the research I started to see what's happening to my gut and my muscles. I'm currently reading two books hoping to get there faster.

3. I know it will take a while. And lots of patience.

4. I learned  (again) that attitude towards food makes a big difference. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and the things that I "can't have", I try to focus on what I am having and how I can make that pretty and tasty. Put in the effort to make it look nice, then it will feel nice! Like a treat not a punishment!

5. A difficult one: STOP postponing! Eat when you are hungry! Prepare the food before you get to a crazy angry point! Because, honey, it's only downhill from there and meltdowns are not pretty.

This was Week 2. See you next week. And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, forever and ever and ever. 

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 10

09:45 Breakfast. One slice bread,ham,cheese. Run, Forest, run! You're almost late!

13:00 Shower. New shower gel. Smells like chocolate or caramel or creamy nutty spread. Nutella in shower gel form! I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. Mmmm...sweet. Don't judge my soapy ass, you get dessert in any shape or form you can! Seize the moment!

13:30 I've been craving this for a while now! Shut up and judge me. 500 ml milk, vanilla, lemon zest, 50 gr. semolina, 1 tbsp honey, 1 tsp sour cherries in syrup. Love in a freakin' bowl. Mmmyes, mmyes, comfort me from the inside out!

14:12 Boyfriends enriches my life/poisons me with this:

Ate grissini because of hunger and delayed supposed-to -be -lunch eventually became dinner. A bunch of plans were changed today. We were supposed to go to town (literally!) buy purty plates and have sushi for lunch.Instead, we bought no plates, went to the Italian place around the corner and I went on a long journey for a piece of fresh beef.

18:00 Dinner: Cheese, prosciuto, salami, sun dried tomatoes, olives, yum yum!

Gnocchi (not fluffy ones,though) with mussels and squid. With lime sauce. Yum.


18:35 Done. Feeling sleepy as fuck. Is the carbs? Is it me? Is it the combination?! Too late for such questions.

19:00 Embarked on the “beef trip”. Not as good as it sounds.

21:00 Back home. I wanna fall on a bear and stay on his fluffy forever.

22:00 Crawled on the floor repeatedly, called it light yoga. I love the floor. The floor loves me. Mantra. I haz it.

23:31 Almost-midnight snack.

01:37 Wrote this. I hope to sleep now. Smoothly and peacefully. Peace out!

This was Day 10. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 9

9:53 Breakfast. 1 toast, cheese, ham. Same as yesterday, same as the day before.

10:10 La machina del timpo, corre, corre!

10:40 to 13:40 Cleaned a home for a homie. Finished, did what I always do when I'm there: Lidl viiisiiit! Don't patronize me! I have a very exciting life, thank you very much for your snap judgement! I just happen to enjoy Lidl, it has a very special place in my heart!

14:21 Still Lidl-ing. Walking around looking at all the those I could have but can't have, won't have! Cantucci, crostatine with apricot jam or chocolate hazelnut, profiteroles!!! Their Italiamo collection is forever a joy and a torment!

14:34 Same thing. Now I'm touching them. Picking them up, pretending for a second that I might buy them. Yeah, I could just do that, it's not an issue. I'm just trying to decide which ones to buy. No biggie, stop staring at me, I'm just like you!

14:42 I realize I miss gnocchi with a burning desire. Would also like to stuff my face with frozen pizza. While on the couch, in a burrito of fluffy blankets, watching movies. With hot chocolate in my big fat mug and a colouring book. Wow! I know! Classic case of “I wanna escape responsibility! Comfort me! Love me, feed me, never abandon me!” Quick, eat a doghnut in your blanket fort! :|

15:02 Pannacotta al caramello. Right. In. My. Face. Damn it all to hell.

15:03 I gotta get the fuck outta here. The masochism is strong with this one.

15:30 I manage to escape the wonderfully soul-sucking place. Yay!

15:45 Lunch? Eating grissini on the street, with gloves on and wind in my mother fucking face! A challenge? A depressing adventure? Lunch. My life. La vita e bella.

16:05 Finally home. I need another lunch. I am tired, so no cooking. I can't eat much anyway, given my condition (wink wink, cough cough). I decide I will eat mainly the same stuff but in a way that makes me feel good. Grissine, smoked ham, gruyere cheese and some decent olives. Peppermint tea. Ate in bed. After shower. Was good.

No idea what time it was: Watching food on youtube. I can almost feel it in my mouth. All of it. Yes, yes, I know, that's what she said.

About that same time: I wanna be more like Jamie. Yes, Oliver. Just without the kids and the dong. And I'd keep my face. It's an ok face.

About the same time: I want mango in my life. Mango would be good. Slurp slurp, imaginary mango? Done.

No idea what time it was: I feel like eating some real food. I really miss that. I am throwing precaution to the wind! Let's do this!

No idea what time it was: Dinner time. Food. Salmon and cous-cous and asparagus, oh my!

No idea why: Got dizzy again. Hello! Liver? Inner ear? Lil' ol' heart of mine? How y'all doing?!

Time is irrelevant: Sitting on the toilet, scrolling through donut pics on istagram (as one does) it suddenly hits me that Bob is ok (remember Bob?), he's out of the woods! Bob's poopin' normally again! Way to go, Bob!

Late at night when I should have been sleeping: Reading stuff about what to eat, how to eat, what to drink, how to drink. Yes, I need a manual. We all do. Everything that goes in your gut influences everything else. Time to find out what suits me. Experiments will follow, hold onto your knickers. We start on Monday.

3 a fucking clock: Good morning!!! I would like to sleep but my bladder keeps trolling me! May I please sleep, you tiny hyperactive muscular membranous sac in the abdomen?! Aka you, giant pain in my ass, you?! Spoiler alert: I fell asleep. At some point.

This was Day 9. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

   

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 8

Today's mantra:

12:00 ? Breakfast. 1 Slice of toasted bread+gruyere cheese+chicken breast+ semi-soft-was-supposed to be hard-boiled egg. Peppermint tea. Felt surprisingly alive again! Much as the hills are alive with the sound of music. Wink wink, Mary Poppins, wink wink. Since the force was flowing through me again, I started cleaning, like any Jedi would do.

 Jedi meets Snow White. Why you gotta judge? Yes, my entire day was like a fucking Disney fairy tale. Don't be jealous, we can't all be pretty princesses while we clean. Some of us have to carry this burden on our delicate princess shoulders. Yes, princesses have irritable bowel syndrome too.

16:00? Lunch. One piece of grilled chicken breast+rice. I dared add carrot to my rice today. Hope the universe inside me doesn't implode. Aaaand nooow clean some more! Quick, change styles so you don't get bored!

7:30? Dinner. Rice+haloumi. Haloumi, my love, you saved the day! 

*Eats then takes cleaning to a whole new level.* Look at all the energy I have! 

11:00? Snack: Toast. Cheese.Ham. Lil' bit o' butter. Peppermint tea.

11: something something Half a slice of toast. Almond butter. Peppermint tea + lemon wedge. To keep my life exciting.

01:00 Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! 

 

COAEE (Confessions Of A Emotional Eater) - Day 7

Yesterday felt like a big chunk of sickness, interrupted by hunger. Miserable state, truly. Something had to happen because I've been in a black hole the last few days and I need to see the light!

11:43 Breakfast. Two slices of toasted bread with hard cheese and ham.

13:19 5 nuts

13:50 Have another nut.

13:52 And MAYBE two more. A nut never comes alone. Life lesson right here!

14:32 Hunger? Sleep? Both.

Then it got foggy. I had lunch at one point. Grilled chicken, an egg and african-american rice/Othello rice.

Then for dinner I had 2 slices of toasted bread with hard cheese and bresaola. Why? Because I had to! We all know what I'm talking about! Why beat around the bush?!

Yup, poor Bob. Now Bob is really questioning his life choices. He has come to a conclusion. This way is truly not the Bob way. Bob is gonna focus on eating right, in order for his body to function properly. Then Bob will slowly build strength and muscle, become Active-Bob and ultimately create a healthier life style. Bob will do some research and some experimenting on himself until he finds his path. Bob is so ambitious! Way to go, Bob!


  This was Day 7. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 6

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Uhm, no. My troubles were very much alive and in my immediate proximity.

Around 11 am: Breakfast. Had double what you see there. I was,of course,satisfied to have a normal breakfast, like an almost normal human being that is satisfied with life.

Around 4 pm: Ate half of a protein bar. Shopped at Lidl. Did not buy anything forbidden. Didn't really feel anything but tired, so the desire to sin was muted.

Around 6 pm: Tried to eat a canned soup I bought. It was very thick (which I consider suspicious) and too spicy. I stopped before I began.

Around 8 pm: Had a sad little meal. Too little to late. Everything stopped being funny. I am in a dark, dark hole where there is no joy for food, only tired bodies and unhappy bellies. Behold tuna with rice and veggies.

Around 9 pm: Decided to go and sleep the sad away. A feeling of uselessness came over me and I ate a alfajor. It's a dessert thing I bought in Tenerife. I read the label. Only bad, bad things in there.

Conversation with myself:

Devil me: Ok, we won't eat it, just open it, you know,just to smell it.

Rational me: Smell it? JUST to smell it?! Why? And OMG, when did that ever work?!

Devil me: I don't know man, it doesn't matter anymore. You've had such a sad lil' day, you try so hard, fuck it, you deserve it. Eat the thing. It's so tiny, it doesn't even matter.

Rational me becomes stupid me. Stupid me eats the thing.

Around 10 pm: Irritable bowl syndrome? Why, welcome, I've been expecting you! Come, take a seat, add to my misery! Oh, no, no problem at all! How long are you planning to stay? Oh, the duration of the visit depends solely on my decisions and how I lead my tiny, insignificant life? Well, isn't that fucking comforting?!

Around 11 pm: Sleeping attempts failed. I am hungry. I promise myself I will not starve myself anymore, because that is not at all the point and because it's very, very stupid. I get out of bed, eat a slice of bread with butter, cheese and ham + an apple. Feel regular and somewhat balanced. An illusion, maybe but hey, we all need them once in a while.

Around 12 pm: I sleep.  

This was Day 6. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.