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COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 5

12:45 Woke up. Feeling sleepy, tired and lifeless. The phrase “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn” keeps playing in my head over and over again.

13:25 Fuss free “breakfast”. I just wanted something light that I don't have to work for. I mixed greek yogurt with honey, lemon zest and vanilla, topped with blueberries and flaked almonds and called it a day.

13:35 I'm ready for my beauty sleep now. Can I go? Can I just give up on life? It feels like a good day to that that.

13:43 I am kinda swinging from one side to the other. Can't tell if the vertigo is out to get me again or if I'm simply falling asleep on my ass, while writing this. Multitasking! I'm totally doing! Just very very slowly. Does it count? I think it counts.

13:45 The last philosophical question has tired me beyond...beyond any...beyond...Ok, eyes closing, can't keep head straight, don't have the words to say...things anymore. I have never been this sleepy. Wtf?

14:00 I have decided my day will be sitting on the couch covered in blankets and bears and watching Gone with the wind. Yup, that's ma' plan and I'm sticking to it!

15:something Lunch. The sausage fest continues. Yes, I know what I just said.

Unspecified time: Activity:Gone with the wind. Actual activity: drinking tea and editing pictures. Some book colouring may have happened somewhere in between. Also half of a protein bar.

20:00 Fiddle-dee-dee, I'm hungry! Refuse to lift a finger, too tired. Will order from thai place. Hope it doesn't kill me.

20:30 Let the eating begin! May the odds be ever in your favour. This right here was called “shredded chicken”. None of us expected this lightly battered mother fucker to show up, but umph, there it is! Now deal with it.

This right here is steamed jasmine rice with chicken in black bean sauce & broccoli. Gobble gobble!

They,of course,sent free prawn crackers aka the work of the devil. It called out to me. I had one, then threw them away!

21:33 Oh, honey child, we is alright now. Belly full. That don't make it right, just full.

22:00 Questioning my life choices. This went on for a wHile.

12:45 Remembered I had some beef that needed marinating for a whole night (wink wink) so I did that.

01 am Apple+peanut butter+complete analysis of Gone with the wind and “why those two can't work things out”.

2 am I looked back on the last 2 days and realized that when I'm busy, I starve. And that it's stupid and it messes me up and it feels horrible. Then and there I made a decision: " As God is my witness, this is not going to beat me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! "

You see what I did there. If you don't then you should watch the movie or just that moment, because the magic of youtube is real and it saves lives. No, they are not paying me for this. They should, though.

This was Day 5. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confession Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 4

10:30 ish Woke up. Tired as fuck. Needed to move fast and efficient because this is Friends recipe making day. Decided to improvise/DIY bbq.

11:30 Shopped. Came home, carrying a lot of coal. I felt like a camel carrying another camel. Only ate this:

13:00 Made tea, finished “COAEE- Day” in a fervour! Time is a bitch.

13:34 Watching a fat pigeons ass walking away from me just outside my window. Lucky bustard, no one's judging him. I bet in the pigeon world being fat is actually an asset!

14:00 The building of the bbq was successful! I have begun preparing and taking pics. Still haven't eaten anything.

14:something Ate a meatball. And then another one.

16:30 Hungry as fuck. Still doing blog stuff while starving. This starts to feel like a twisted experiment. I feel like I'm my own guinea pig and it's twisted and wrong. My life is a lie.

16:45 I make a salad out of whatever I can get my hands on, including some really unappetising lookin' turkey breast. Please excuse the blurry picture, my hands were shaking because of hunger.

16:50 Still in a hurry. Managed to have 3-4 mouthfuls of salad. I don't even know how it tastes. Eating this purely for survival.

16:52 Gave up the salad. I was force feeding myself and I'm not very good at doing that.

17:05 Bbq is on! Man made fire! Get your freak on! In the form of burgers and sausages! Yeah, baby

17:32 Polish guy bring tiny snack sausages into my life and all of a sudden there is hope! Lenny Long Sausage is his name and being my no-carb snack is his game! Oh, Lenny, welcome!

17:whatever,lost track of time- ATE. Finally!Like a starving animal. Yes, with the bun and all. One burger, half of sausage, coleslaw and roasted sweet potato fries. I have sinned. On Saturdays I sin. Now you know.

After dinner: Party time! More sinning ahead! Had 2 glasses of wine and one vodka orange. Became aware of the “herd mentality” regarding party snacks. When chips and popcorn were put in front of me and others started eating, like a natural reflex, my hand started to move in the direction of the damn popcorn bowl. Then I stopped to ask myself why. I am hungry? I am craving this? What does my stomach say? It said: “Girl, you full, you can't fit any of that in here. You good.” So I was good. For a while. After drinking a bit, I felt kinda sorta hungry or whatever. Booze makes it harder for you to focus on your goals! I ate some, not a lot. Succesfully avoided the apple pie and just took a bite from the one my bf ate. Confession complete? Almost. We add on the list one gingerbread-martipan-jelly-chocolate creation. One. Out of many available. Not too bad. Not too good either.

After party: Got home around 3 am, ate 2 pieces of Lenny Long Legs and ended the Saturday Of Great Sins. This was Day 4. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.


COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 3

Some days seem longer because you count the minutes, other days seem longer because they're harder and shit keeps coming your way. You count those in moments. This is how today went:

Around morning time: Thought I'd have a good, full breakfast since I needed the energy cause work work, bla bla. Started making omelette. Boyfriend made coffee. I felt this crazy urge to drink coffee like there was no manana. And there almost wasn't a manana for me (shhh, I exaggerate, it's who I am, go with it). As I was putting the omelette on the plate, I got dizzy. The vertigo was upon me. Oh, yay. Let us panic and drink lemon water. I, of course, couldn't eat the omelette, made me nauseous. Replaced that with another rice cake with cheese, spinach, ham and beets. You get no photo, because I was kinda busy almost dying and all that.

During the vertigo: Sat in bed for 20 min. Felt helpless, frustrated and sleepy. Boyfriend brought magical pills from pharmacy. Popped one. Felt better in like 20 min. I knew I needed some magnesium! I've been feeling too crappy, clearly needed help!

"Job": Cleaned house for privileged hard-to-please white girl. Loved every second of it. An exercise in letting go and understanding you can't please everybody and that sometimes it's really not you, it's them.

After vertigo: Drank lemon water, felt hunger no more until I finished job, was walking to meet people at movie. Perfect day for a bloody Tarantino. Whole day felt like a blood bath.

Around 6 pm: walking to the Dart Station, the smell of fish and chips welcomes me. Felt like throwing up, so no, thank you! I watch people having dinner in lovely cute places with twinkly lights, carbs and wine! I think then and there that their life seems so much simpler than mine. I am a petty, envious creature and I desire what others have.

“Train wreck”: Waiting for the train for 25 min. Bloody cold outside, I feel very hungry all of a sudden, am surrounded by vending machines with chips and chocolate and fizzy drinks. I take out my chicken wrap (part of a batch I made 2 days ago for such emergencies). It was no longer tasty. It was mushy and too garlicky and cold and tasted like self pity, disappointment and just pure sadness in roll form. Two french girls were eating chocolate and laughing continuously. I hated their guts, kept hopping at least one of them would choke. If I'm not happy, no one should be happy around me! One of my best moments, yes. Really proud of the mature, rational thoughts I was invaded by. Here is a picture from the day I made the wraps, and they were actually tasty:

Train ride: Guy next to me eats multiple tiny bags of chips. I drink lemon water, feel garlicky and disgusted. I pop another pill, treat it like the main course after a heart breaking appetizer. Listen to Adele's “A million years ago” and cry. Check!

“Gum is life” moment: I buy two packs of gum, because I feel unstable and gum is like mediation. Totally balances me out. Not! It was an impulse buy, ok?! Stop judging me! Also bought this:

 I looked at it. Well, that looks fucking delicious. Gimme more, oh, just can't get enough :\. Phruuu, prruh. Bird sounds. Cause fucking bird food!!! I am becoming a bird. Here's a blurry perspective of it. Cause that was my perspective the whole freakin' day!

 “Movie”: I love going to the movies on being on a “health ride”. There is nothing there that I can have! Except water! Even their nuts are covered in sugar and unknown shit. We resist that, just get tickets. Done, we are in our seats, let the movie watching begin! And then this almost magical thing happens. Everything goes dark and silent. All you hear is the sound of all the bags of chips opening, like music, like a choreographed dance of torture. And then every chip hitting every tooth and breaking into pieces in the mouth of some lucky fool is like a needle stabbing you in the throat. With every sound I felt the taste of them in my mouth. A Doritos memory is indeed a lingering one. Ah, the cinema, a happy experience!

“Actual movie”: It begins. I hear “molasses”, “steak dinner” and then...”nougat”? I think I'm losing it. Damn, son! I'm going cuckoo

“After movie”: I want soup, I need soup. And a donut. I ponder the difference between a “need” and and an actual need. The soup, is something my body really needs (because warmth and nourishment) while the donut, I just want because I feel tired and crappy and I'm relying on a donut (!!!) to turn my day around. How fucked up is that?!

"The small victory": I did not have the donut. Did I mention that these are my favorite donuts?! That I am hardly ever in that area, so when I'm there I usually buy 3?! That I was feeling particularly down today?! Please appreciate this for what it was: a post - Christmas miracle! 

Forgot to mention: Everything hurt! Walking hurt! Bending hurt! Sitting on my ass HURT! I should write a book called "Pain as part of your everyday life". You think it only hurts when you're old? Read this to be proven wrong!

“Finally home”: Ate leftover mussels with leftover peas and green beans. Had tea. Talked about life.

Sometime late in the night: I wrote this. It's much easier to write things as they happen and not in a bulk at the end of the day. Everything feels harder, less natural and more dramatic. But hey, days are different. I guess that's how life keeps us entertained. Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Sometime late in the night but early in the morning: Good night, you crazy kids! This was Day 3. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever. 


COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Day 2

10:35 Woke up feeling like P. Diddy. If P. Diddy felt tired, sleepy, hungry, and aching all over because of his back problems like a 60 year old lil' bitch.

11:25 Drinking tea, feeling hungry but nothing appeals to me, so I'll just be hungry some more. Because that's always a good idea. It's late for breakfast, too soon for lunch, and I'm pissed. I'd have brunch in normal conditions! But, because brunches are luscious meals with croissants and grapes and wonderful things on bread, I decide I'd rather have no brunch than have a sad brunch.

11:33 Just realized that breakfast yesterday happened at exactly the same time as today. Why am I so mad then? Jezz, search your feelings, Jeff fa fa!

11:46 Now I'm watching Jeff Dunham and Peanut! Haven't done this in years! Still funny, man! So good :))

11:47 Still hungry, but now I'm amused.

11:54 Carpool Karaoke with Adeleeeeeee! FREAK THE FUCK OUT! Awesome!

11:56 This a good time to admit I have a crush on James Cordon. I LOVE that guy!

12:15 Made a smoothie or something by accident.

12:20 It's not bad! But then again cinnamon makes things better. I am suspicios of my “creation”.

12:29 Still sipping that thing. The seeds I added make me feel like a bird. Not in a good way, though

12:36 Done with the bird juice. That sounds wrong. I am full but hungry. How the fuck do I even begin to explain this sensation?! Oh, the mindfuck! Simply glorious!

12:40 Man, I can't wait for lunch!

13:20 I find out Alan Rickman died :( . Sad levels increased by 100. Was very close to stuffing my face with mini chocolate teddy bears. Replaced that with some light yoga.

14:51 Lunch done! Leftover fish from last nights dinner. Still finger lickin' delicious! Would have liked more polenta on my plate, but let's pretend I didn't. 

14:56 Feeling a bit nauseous. Too much fish? Ate too fast? Jessus, take the wheel! 

15:34 Craving some sweet shit again! This is so annoying!

16:14 Washed my teeth and had a Honey&Lemon Strepsils. I called that dessert :/

18:00 I've been freezing for the longest time! I made myself a hot chocolate (85% cocoa solids-chocolate, a tsp of honey,cinnamon & milk). Aaaaand a teaspoon of Baileys Hazelnut, 'cause momma has some things she'd like to forget ;)

18:05  Two sips=chocolate overload. Great success, now I'm dizzy. Lay off the chocolate, girl! It's hurting you. You must stop! Go get yo'self a blueberry! Jeez...

18:12 Popped 2 nuts in my mouth. You know, to recover.

18:14 Make that 4. 4 nuts

19:30 Workout. Cause that ass ain't gonna firm itself up! Lunges and side kicks and knee strikes, oh my! Almost died because cardio and me don't really get along. I hate getting almost good at something and then taking a break. It feels like starting from scratch. Not only because your body feels stiff and needs to get used to the rhythm again, but also because ego gets in the way. Now it's that bitchy voice inside your head getting offended by your “progress”. That's it, I'm giving that bitch a name! I'll call her Stephanie. The never satisfied Stephanie. Nothing is ever good enough for that cunt.

20:00 Beached whale mode. Seeing spots. Hearing impaired. Sweet dripping from my head. I feel ssssexy. Come on, summon the courage, get on your feet, out of those sweaty clothes and take a long shower. You did good, baby girl! You is smart, you is kind, you is important. Don't you listen to that Stephanie bitch! She's all poison that one! All poison! 

 21:07 Dinner time. Chicken with cauliflower, leeks and parsnip. Piece of toasted bread. Spinach and radish salad. 

21: 38 I overate, damn it. Was too hungry, rushed into things like an animal. Eating mindfully is very important. I should eat alone, no distractions, just focusing on what I eat, how I eat it and how much of it I put in this pouch I call a stomach. 

22:03  Tried to have some wine, failed at that too. Two sips and I felt sick. If wine can't fix it, nothing will. 

22:37 Still feeling full as fuck. Sick, sick, sick feeling. Remember this, and stop eating on automatic pilot. 

00:08 This was Day 2. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.


COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Day One

First of all, I just admitted to being an emotional eater. On the internet! Where the whole world (by that I mean my 5 to 7 friends) can read all about it and feel sorry for me. To them I say, don't, it's no biggie. We emotional eaters are human being too, we live our lives just the same as you. We just resort to food to fix our every anxious feeling, fill our every void and calm our every nervous breakdown. Food is our go-to-squeeze-some-happy place. I've always known that me and food have a special bond, I just recently realized people have a name for that. Like diseases do! This is not that. Yes, I attach feeling/meaning to food; yes, it increases the levels of happy in my belly and my mind; yes, I believe it is one of life's greatest pleasures; that's not the issue. It becomes an issue when you use it as a method to deal with things you can't/ think you can't control, when you feel overwhelmed or sad. Like drugs! *forced cough* So they tell me! See? I'm already learning so many things!

This is is my attempt at fixing my shit, eating right, learning to let go, shedding some fat while we're at it and maintaining what's left of my endangered mental health. Prepare to see everything I eat, followed by a complete analysis to the "why" of it all. Fasten your seat belts, It's going to be a bumpy ride! (I know this is a misquote, but hey, if it fits, I eat it!).

11:30 House is cold so I would like to eat something nice and warm. Normally that would mean milk and rice pudding with cherry preserve on top (homemade, of course). Since that is on the list of evil things, I cannot. I then thought “Ok, what else would I eat to make me feel nice and cosy and shit?” The answer was biscuits and grated apples smushed together into a baby food consistency. Definitely comfort food. It's the stuff my mum used to make when I was a kid, so a happy memory. I crave this more in times of need, when I feel life should give me a warm hug and gently cradle me in a fluffy blanket of motherly love. Messed up level? From 1 to 10? I'll give a 2, it's a quite common and understandable need/reaction. I decide to let that be my inspiration. Uhm, bullshit alert! I wanted that, couldn't have it, tried to get some of that feeling in a bowl. What I did was take some nuts (walnuts, Brazilian, almonds), blend, add apples, blend, add yogurt, honey,cinnamon, blend.

Topped with blueberries and a bit of honey. Ate with pretty spoon to make things better. Because I am a child, of course.

Note to self: too much honey, was too sweet, half of that would do.

11:52 I finished my breakfast. I feel full. Too full, actually, while awkwardly craving something savory. I will ignore this, drink my tea and try to move on with my life. A terrible sleepy sensation comes over me, I wanna curl into a ball in the middle of my bed and stay there forever.

13:17 Ate 5 roasted cashew nuts cause hungry but lazy. Also, counting deez nutz feels wrong but necessary.

14:00 Got off my lazy ass, made a salad (spinach, peppers, feta, grated Parmesan). Ate it with turkey meatballs and green beans. Stuff I smartly prepared the day before. 

14:25 Craving something sweet just after lunch. Wtf is up with that? 

15:38 Still craving some sugar in my bowl. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm finding it difficult to focus on all the project decisions I have to make. That, or the fact that I'm re-organizing my food photos and running into biscotti and cake!!! Not the best thing right now! I am drooly and weak but still standing my ground. #saynotosugar #stoptheabuse #suchaddictmuchwow 

15:58 Just went on Pinterest to find a healthy recipe for a sweet snack. Ended up pinning a German pancake recipe. That is exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do! Pinterest is an evil black whole filled with delicious carbs! If I had any willpower whatsoever I would delete my account and live a normal life again! The struggle is real. 

16:19 This is fucking ridiculous! Can't go cold turkey! I let myself eat one of these:

The healthy version of a hustler.

16:26 Realized I'm not drinking enough water. Maybe I should drink more water. 

16:27 Feeling dizzy because of the chocolate covering the damn rice cake. Talk about fail, this is it, right here! 

16:54 Just saw Will Smith on Ellen, a new wave of motivation hit me right in the face! Let's git'er dooone! Because he's fit and balanced and stuff...

16:57 Am I hungry?! I think I'm hungry. 

18:10 "Remember that thing with eyes in the fridge? Go cook it!" said my lovely blunt inner voice. So, I went and got fishy with it. 

19:30 Had one of the best dinners evah! Grilled trout with creamy polenta and peas! I probably should feel guilty about the polenta, but I don't. No regrets about this meal. Maybe just the fishy smell that now permeates my house. Small price to pay, though! Fuck modesty, man! I nailed it! 

23:38 I am not asleep yet, am starting to feel the seed of slight hunger in my gut. I'll have to eat some nuts before going to sleep. I'll just count those instead of sheep and hope for a peaceful, uneventful night. This is my life now.    

00:00 Ate some pistachios. On account of my hunger, of course! Really need to go to sleep like a responsible adult not a procrastinating student. Oh, I have so many balls in the air! Never been good at juggling those bastards! 

00:37 This was Day 1. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.