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S01E13 The one with the burgers

Boys and girls, lovers of meat and buns (if you know what I mean), this one's for you! The episode is “The one where Rachel finds out”. The recipe- Burgers aka the ground up flesh of formally cute cows and turkeys. We've got buns, we've got coleslaw, we've even built a bbq, fo' fock's sake! What more do you want?!

This recipe requires few ingredients and even fewer words; which is perfect, because I am so tired of talking about myself! Bla bla bla, feelings, bla bla, it's so hard being me! “Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!” Now, all you well adjusted adults out there can feel the sweet relief of escaping my tiring rants. Yeah, oh, I'm so sorry for tainting your forever pink perception of the world with my muddy blue. Grow up and face facts, man! Outside that perfectly constructed bubble of illusions you've successfully built for yourself lies of sea of tormented individuals fighting daily to stitch their lives into a decent existence! Come on, now, get off your high horse and join us simpletons here in the gutters! Come to the dark side, we have burgers and coleslaw and sweet potatoes! Oh, honey, life is sweet with a bit o' sugar in it! Enjoy the fuck out of it! Do it now, cause you never know how long it will take those black thoughts to come running back, ruining everything you've build! With absolutely no consideration for your hard work, your time and your feelings! It all crumbles into nothingness and you're left with the aftertaste of failure and loss in your mouth. Alone and hopeless. Forever. Wow, that..went places. Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster! Not sure what happened there. The lack of sweetness is startin' to really affect me.Is this what being hormonal feels like?!

Things and stuff:

  • a bbq or a grill
  • a mandolin slicer type thing (if you want your coleslaw to be fancy) or a old fashion grater (cause you're not that superficial)
  • knife, spoons, plates, the usual.

It was this big: 7 burgers and a whole lotta coleslaw (big ass bowl)- enough for 6 people

It took this long: 10 min for the coleslaw, 10 min to prepare the burgers, 1 hour for them to sit in the freeze (apparently it helps keep them juicy on the inside), 20 min to cook, forever- to start a fire on an improvised bbq in irish weather.


The Process:

Step 1: Chop/grate/slice your cabbage, carrots and onions.

Step 2: In a big bowl mix the yogurt with olive oil, one tsp of mustard, salt and pepper.

Step 3: Unite the two and mix them with your hands, like a savage, to get everything equally distributed. So, like a gentle savage.


The Process:

Step 1: Mix your meats, onions, garlic and spices until they all love each other. It doesn't take long, they're kinda slutty. Shhh!
Step 2: Form patties. Make them as fat, as wide, as naughty as you like! No judgement here, no, sir!
Step 3: Put them in the freezer for an hour. They need to get all perky on the outside and soft in the middle. Like the ideal woman.
Step 4: Grill' em, grill'em good.
I made some on the outside man-built bbq and some on the inside grill pan. Of course, the outside ones were tastier because of that awesome smoky flavor they get from...well, being in a fire, basically.

♫ This burger's on fiiireeeeeeee! This buuurger's ooon fireeeeeeeeee! It's walkin' on fiiiireeee!♫

Step 5: Get that bad boy outta there and in a bun immediately! It's begging to be eaten! That's all the input you're gettin' from me!

Feedback: This one was a toughie, because I really had no idea how to "burger". I was also starving, so I couldn't quite think straight. Aaaand I did that thing I do where I overbook my schedule and I was running around like a headless chicken trying to keep my shit together. Needles to say, I didn't quite manage. You can tell by the crappy pictures you have to look at! I mean, let's face it, they're not good! The food was tasty,though. If I had to choose I would not use turkey again in a burger. I think "Beef meets Pork" is the love story that I want in my mouth. Turkey makes things bland and tough. Not worth it. Coleslaw made with yogurt is my new favorite thing, having a bbq in your back yard is awesome, eating foood is great! For the next one, I promise myself to learn from my mistakes, slow down and enjoy things more.

Let's control those crazy emotions, people! Until the next one, happy eating!