Home / Essays / 2015 / October

S01E10 The one with the tuna melt and curly fries

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Yes, ladies and gents, that is all, cause who needs more? Tuna melt and fries. The simple joys of life, right? Usually, yes. Let me explain.

I was expecting my “return” recipe on blog to be an exciting and fun as fuck experience. Instead, it was more like sex without being hungry. I mean horny! Like sex without being horny! I MEAN LIKE EATING WITHOUT BEING HUNGRY! Man, those two are easy to fuck up. Mess up! Jeez! What's wrong with me?! Don't answer that.

Aaaaanyway, I was trying to say that this was the most MEH experience I have ever had in the kitchen. If you ignore that one hand job I tried a while ago. No! No, it's not true. I'm obviously joking. I'm quite successful at hand jobs. I am so sorry you had to read that! I could erase that, it's true. But I won't. You see, It's a thing I'm trying out. I write as I speak, once it's out there, I can't take it back. The system is designed to make me more careful when I open my big mouth and say all sorts of stupid things. It's supposed to make me more aware and responsible. I think it's working, I'm really starting to see results.

So, let me paint the picture for you. In theory, I was really looking forward to make the food and eat the food and be dazzled by the food. I was expecting to be seduced even. Did not happen. It felt like my body was being dragged around by pure inertia and my mind was foggy and unimpressed. Like being in a dream. A boring dream. The fact that my camera decided to be a deceitful lil' bitch sure spiced things up. Even though I checked the battery on my camera before starting, somehow, after taking 2 very bad pictures, it died. You'd think that would make me very, very angry, and make me want to do terrible things (I do hope you read this in the right voice, otherwise it's a waste). But I wasn't angry, or mad or pissed off or other synonyms. I was... very British about it. Very “oh, bugger”. So, I put the bitch down, grabbed my phone with resigned disgust and moved on with my life. Here's a visual, if you're having trouble:

Before this whole “doing” phase started, I, of course did my curly fries research, to find out the “how to” of it all. First, I struggled (some, not a lot) with finding a curly fries cutter that would not drill a hole in my pockets. What has it got in its pocketses?! Nothing, niente, nada! That baby is as empty as it can be! I refuse to spend more than 10 anythings on something that I will most likely not use again. So, I turned to the internet for help and the internet did not disappoint. All you need is (no, not love) skewers, potatoes and patience. S.P.P! Smug potato peeler. Silly pekingese porn star! Superior puzzle, Pinky. And theeeen, spiral potatoes, pal! That's the closest you're gonna get to curly fries! And the cheapest, too. As for the tuna melt, easy peasy!

Things and stuff:

  • knife
  • wooden skewers
  • a pan
  • a bowl

It was this big:

  • 2 tuna melts
  • 7 potatoes on a stick

It took this long:

Approximately 30 min, but it only takes that long if you are a beginner at cutting potatoes in a spirally fashion. If you're making regular fries, 20 min. If you're slow or hungover, the sky is the limit. But, really, it's a sandwich and fries, you got this.

Ingredients and quantities:

First of all, the picture says 8 potatoes. That is lie, a damn lie!

Second of all, you don't really need quantities. If you want a creamier tuna, add more mayo ( I used about 3-4 tablespoons), if you are a cheesy person, you will want more cheese! Just use your common sense and valuable eye sight.There are no real rules on this one, boys and girls! Taste, adjust, omnomnom!

The process :

LE TUNA MELT FILLING
Step 1: Release the tuna fron its tin cage.
Step 2: Chop, chop. Onions, capers and herbs.
Step 3: Omg, put them together in a bowl and mix. That is all.


LE CURLY FRIES

Step 1: Get yo' self some small potatoes, 'cause piercing some big ass ones with a tiny wooden skewer ain't easy.

Step 2: That's right, put that potato on a stick. Summon that Hulk inside of you, but combine it with some patience and ease, we don't want no smashed potatoes for this one.

Step 3: Get a knife and start cutting the potato slightly diagonally, while rotating the skewer. If you don't cut at a diagonal angle, you're just gonna get chips on a stick, they will not be connected. They will break all ties and stand alone, pretending they weren't even related, even though they were literally the same freakin' potato just a minute ago. Damn ungrateful potatoes! Just look at them, smug bastards.

Step 4: Season time! Rub a dub dub! 

Step 5: Pan. Oil. Hot. Skewers. In. Fry. 'Till golden. Brown. Ungrateful potatoes on a stick? Done.


So, we got the filling, we got the fries. Time for the actual tuna melt!

LE TUNA MELT

Pre-step: Take the butter out of the fridge, we need it soft and willing.

Step 1: Get yourself some sliced bread. Or get some non-sliced bread and slice it.

Step 2: Butter up one side of your slice of choice. Lay that gently in a heating pan. Yeah, grilled cheese style, as it should be.

! Don't have the pan too hot, just starting to warm up. Otherwise, it will burn your bread, while leaving the inside untouched, that means cold and pretty much the opposite of melt-in-your-mouth gooey and delicious. And if it ain't gooey, what's the point?

Step 3: Layer that baby! It goes: cheese,tuna melt filling, cheese again and top it with your  other slice of bread.

!You need to be pretty quick with this, because the bottom of that sandwich is getting hot!

Step 4: Butter the other slice too and then flip it, so it can be purty n both sides!

! You might be wondering " How the flippin' bird do I know when it's done on the first side?". Well, you don't really. Kidding. Usually it takes about 2-3 min, depends on how fiery your flame is. Just use your sense of smell, move fast with the assembly, and before turning it, lift it with a spatula and sneak a peak to make sure it's how you like it.

Yes, that is really how it looks like! I ate that with some store-bought spicy sauce and it was good! 

Feedback: The curly fries were not really special, despite their curlyness, but all in all, good fries. The tuna melt was creamy, gooey, tangy and just fishy enough to work. I'll tell this much: Whoever invented grilled cheese sandwiches, is a freakin' evil genius! Buttering the bread and then toasting that in a pan is the best method ever! Crunchy on the outside, cheesy in the middle! And so many possible combo's! And it really works for a tuna melt too! I'll tel you something:

That is a wrap,y'all! Until the next one, happy eating!