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S02E01 The one with the carpaccio

Season twooooo! We've made it to season two!

A mini wave in celebration of me! I thought we were gonna get cancelled soon after the pilot, but look at us now!


Ok, it's a tad too much, it's not like it's season 10! I know, I know. Stop raining on my parade! Party over, let's get back to business. Today's episode is “The one with five steaks and an eggplant”. This episode is bursting with recipes, the first one on the list is Carpaccio. Yes, some people do say that's just raw meat and that it's disgusting. Stop listening to the masses, expand that view of yours and embrace some weird stuff in your life. If you are a newbie in this area (as I was) you're gonna wanna start with this guy:

This is Vittorio Carpaccio and he was a Venetian painter. It's sad that he's more famous (among us, simpletons, at least) for a dish that was named after him then for being a painter. Lemme tell you the story. Once upon a time there was a man called Giuseppe Cipriani. He, like all of us at one point in our lives, had a dream: he wanted to have a bar to call his own and name it Harry's Bar because... that makes no sense whatsoever. Who the fuck is Harry?! My bets are on “gay lover” who is not hairy at all ;) Where was I? Oh yeah, so Giuseppe opened a bar and named it after the love of his life, Harry. The bar became a hit! Everybody loved Harry's Bar! One day the countess Amalia Nani Mocenigo (who has done nothing relevant in her entire life) entered Harry's Bar and acted like a snooty countess. Apparently her doctor advised her to eat raw meat instead of cooked, so she asked the chef to come up with something she could eat. And that event, ladies and gentlemen, is the most significant thing she's ever done in her privileged countess life. Talk about the right “disease” at the right time, in the right place! Anyway, Giuseppe stepped up to the challenge and essentially didn't try much. First he panicked, then he finely sliced some beef, pounded it (he was good at that, ask Harry) and drizzled it with a cream-colored sauce (worry not, it's just a olive oil and lemon juice emulsion). He looked at it, remembered that there is an exhibition dedicated to Vittorio Carpaccio (like right around the corner) and then his brain made the magical connection. Well, no, that was just a coincidence. He named it after Caravaggio because—aaaa! Carpaccio! Damn it! It was bound to happen. He named it after him because Carpaccio was known for the characteristic red and white tones of his work.

Disclaimer: This is the spicy version of the real story. Facts may have been twisted for my own entertainment and maybe with the purpose of tickling one fancy or another. For the real, boring story search your usual information channels. Or believe mine and help spread it! Like a disease! Or not, you know, whatever... Be the change you want to see in the world! Here at gogocherie.com we embellish stories to bring light into the lives of others. If you want to join our cause please email us at fake.it.till.you.make.it@gmail.com. No weirdos, please.

Things and stuff:

  • a well sharpened knife
  • a whisk
  • a bowl or two (who's counting?)

It was this big:

  • 8 glorious cuts of pink beef

It took this long:

  • 10-15 minutes

Ingredients:

The Process:

Step 1: Make a vinaigrette by mixing two-three tablespoons of olive oil with the juice of half of lemon, salt and pepper.

Step 2: Whisk, baby, whisk! It shall be transformed into this magical looking "potion":

Step 3: Slice your hunk of beef. Thinly. Do not strive for thinness too much though! You risk destroying the slices and ending up with fringes. If you think they're too thick, just wait a minute! We'll get to that.

Step 4: Get yourself some cling film. Arrange beef on it. Cover with cling film and simply pound it with your palm or cute-but-firm lil'fist. It will expand easily and obviously.

Step 5: Now they're tired after all that pounding. Offer them a plate to lay on and look pretty and ruby-cheeked (innuendo over). Sprinkle with salt.

Step 6: Drizzle some of the lovely vinaigrette on top. Use the rest to dress those salad leaves and put that on top, like a crown on a queen. And then disregard the ridiculous comparison and add big, bold, parmesan shavings allover.

That is all. Now, summon up some courage and put that in your mouth.

Feedback: I'm not in the most meat loving time in my life, so for me it was just alright. My boyfriend was blown away. He didn't expect to like it so much and he kept saying things like "We're gonna do that again!". Yes, in that fat Monica voice. If you are a meat lover, I really recommend this. Very easy to put together and let's face it, it puts you in a very sophisticated light. If you eat it alone you're a snob, if you make it for a dinner party you're fancy. Either way, worth the try. It's like a personality test: "Are you the Carpaccio eating type or a closeted vegetarian?" Take our test and you will never have to ask yourself this terrifying question again.

Ragazzi, buon appetito! Until the next one, happy eating!

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 10

09:45 Breakfast. One slice bread,ham,cheese. Run, Forest, run! You're almost late!

13:00 Shower. New shower gel. Smells like chocolate or caramel or creamy nutty spread. Nutella in shower gel form! I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. Mmmm...sweet. Don't judge my soapy ass, you get dessert in any shape or form you can! Seize the moment!

13:30 I've been craving this for a while now! Shut up and judge me. 500 ml milk, vanilla, lemon zest, 50 gr. semolina, 1 tbsp honey, 1 tsp sour cherries in syrup. Love in a freakin' bowl. Mmmyes, mmyes, comfort me from the inside out!

14:12 Boyfriends enriches my life/poisons me with this:

Ate grissini because of hunger and delayed supposed-to -be -lunch eventually became dinner. A bunch of plans were changed today. We were supposed to go to town (literally!) buy purty plates and have sushi for lunch.Instead, we bought no plates, went to the Italian place around the corner and I went on a long journey for a piece of fresh beef.

18:00 Dinner: Cheese, prosciuto, salami, sun dried tomatoes, olives, yum yum!

Gnocchi (not fluffy ones,though) with mussels and squid. With lime sauce. Yum.


18:35 Done. Feeling sleepy as fuck. Is the carbs? Is it me? Is it the combination?! Too late for such questions.

19:00 Embarked on the “beef trip”. Not as good as it sounds.

21:00 Back home. I wanna fall on a bear and stay on his fluffy forever.

22:00 Crawled on the floor repeatedly, called it light yoga. I love the floor. The floor loves me. Mantra. I haz it.

23:31 Almost-midnight snack.

01:37 Wrote this. I hope to sleep now. Smoothly and peacefully. Peace out!

This was Day 10. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 9

9:53 Breakfast. 1 toast, cheese, ham. Same as yesterday, same as the day before.

10:10 La machina del timpo, corre, corre!

10:40 to 13:40 Cleaned a home for a homie. Finished, did what I always do when I'm there: Lidl viiisiiit! Don't patronize me! I have a very exciting life, thank you very much for your snap judgement! I just happen to enjoy Lidl, it has a very special place in my heart!

14:21 Still Lidl-ing. Walking around looking at all the those I could have but can't have, won't have! Cantucci, crostatine with apricot jam or chocolate hazelnut, profiteroles!!! Their Italiamo collection is forever a joy and a torment!

14:34 Same thing. Now I'm touching them. Picking them up, pretending for a second that I might buy them. Yeah, I could just do that, it's not an issue. I'm just trying to decide which ones to buy. No biggie, stop staring at me, I'm just like you!

14:42 I realize I miss gnocchi with a burning desire. Would also like to stuff my face with frozen pizza. While on the couch, in a burrito of fluffy blankets, watching movies. With hot chocolate in my big fat mug and a colouring book. Wow! I know! Classic case of “I wanna escape responsibility! Comfort me! Love me, feed me, never abandon me!” Quick, eat a doghnut in your blanket fort! :|

15:02 Pannacotta al caramello. Right. In. My. Face. Damn it all to hell.

15:03 I gotta get the fuck outta here. The masochism is strong with this one.

15:30 I manage to escape the wonderfully soul-sucking place. Yay!

15:45 Lunch? Eating grissini on the street, with gloves on and wind in my mother fucking face! A challenge? A depressing adventure? Lunch. My life. La vita e bella.

16:05 Finally home. I need another lunch. I am tired, so no cooking. I can't eat much anyway, given my condition (wink wink, cough cough). I decide I will eat mainly the same stuff but in a way that makes me feel good. Grissine, smoked ham, gruyere cheese and some decent olives. Peppermint tea. Ate in bed. After shower. Was good.

No idea what time it was: Watching food on youtube. I can almost feel it in my mouth. All of it. Yes, yes, I know, that's what she said.

About that same time: I wanna be more like Jamie. Yes, Oliver. Just without the kids and the dong. And I'd keep my face. It's an ok face.

About the same time: I want mango in my life. Mango would be good. Slurp slurp, imaginary mango? Done.

No idea what time it was: I feel like eating some real food. I really miss that. I am throwing precaution to the wind! Let's do this!

No idea what time it was: Dinner time. Food. Salmon and cous-cous and asparagus, oh my!

No idea why: Got dizzy again. Hello! Liver? Inner ear? Lil' ol' heart of mine? How y'all doing?!

Time is irrelevant: Sitting on the toilet, scrolling through donut pics on istagram (as one does) it suddenly hits me that Bob is ok (remember Bob?), he's out of the woods! Bob's poopin' normally again! Way to go, Bob!

Late at night when I should have been sleeping: Reading stuff about what to eat, how to eat, what to drink, how to drink. Yes, I need a manual. We all do. Everything that goes in your gut influences everything else. Time to find out what suits me. Experiments will follow, hold onto your knickers. We start on Monday.

3 a fucking clock: Good morning!!! I would like to sleep but my bladder keeps trolling me! May I please sleep, you tiny hyperactive muscular membranous sac in the abdomen?! Aka you, giant pain in my ass, you?! Spoiler alert: I fell asleep. At some point.

This was Day 9. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

   

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) -Day 8

Today's mantra:

12:00 ? Breakfast. 1 Slice of toasted bread+gruyere cheese+chicken breast+ semi-soft-was-supposed to be hard-boiled egg. Peppermint tea. Felt surprisingly alive again! Much as the hills are alive with the sound of music. Wink wink, Mary Poppins, wink wink. Since the force was flowing through me again, I started cleaning, like any Jedi would do.

 Jedi meets Snow White. Why you gotta judge? Yes, my entire day was like a fucking Disney fairy tale. Don't be jealous, we can't all be pretty princesses while we clean. Some of us have to carry this burden on our delicate princess shoulders. Yes, princesses have irritable bowel syndrome too.

16:00? Lunch. One piece of grilled chicken breast+rice. I dared add carrot to my rice today. Hope the universe inside me doesn't implode. Aaaand nooow clean some more! Quick, change styles so you don't get bored!

7:30? Dinner. Rice+haloumi. Haloumi, my love, you saved the day! 

*Eats then takes cleaning to a whole new level.* Look at all the energy I have! 

11:00? Snack: Toast. Cheese.Ham. Lil' bit o' butter. Peppermint tea.

11: something something Half a slice of toast. Almond butter. Peppermint tea + lemon wedge. To keep my life exciting.

01:00 Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! 

 

S01E13 The one with the burgers

Boys and girls, lovers of meat and buns (if you know what I mean), this one's for you! The episode is “The one where Rachel finds out”. The recipe- Burgers aka the ground up flesh of formally cute cows and turkeys. We've got buns, we've got coleslaw, we've even built a bbq, fo' fock's sake! What more do you want?!

This recipe requires few ingredients and even fewer words; which is perfect, because I am so tired of talking about myself! Bla bla bla, feelings, bla bla, it's so hard being me! “Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!” Now, all you well adjusted adults out there can feel the sweet relief of escaping my tiring rants. Yeah, oh, I'm so sorry for tainting your forever pink perception of the world with my muddy blue. Grow up and face facts, man! Outside that perfectly constructed bubble of illusions you've successfully built for yourself lies of sea of tormented individuals fighting daily to stitch their lives into a decent existence! Come on, now, get off your high horse and join us simpletons here in the gutters! Come to the dark side, we have burgers and coleslaw and sweet potatoes! Oh, honey, life is sweet with a bit o' sugar in it! Enjoy the fuck out of it! Do it now, cause you never know how long it will take those black thoughts to come running back, ruining everything you've build! With absolutely no consideration for your hard work, your time and your feelings! It all crumbles into nothingness and you're left with the aftertaste of failure and loss in your mouth. Alone and hopeless. Forever. Wow, that..went places. Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster! Not sure what happened there. The lack of sweetness is startin' to really affect me.Is this what being hormonal feels like?!

Things and stuff:

  • a bbq or a grill
  • a mandolin slicer type thing (if you want your coleslaw to be fancy) or a old fashion grater (cause you're not that superficial)
  • knife, spoons, plates, the usual.

It was this big: 7 burgers and a whole lotta coleslaw (big ass bowl)- enough for 6 people

It took this long: 10 min for the coleslaw, 10 min to prepare the burgers, 1 hour for them to sit in the freeze (apparently it helps keep them juicy on the inside), 20 min to cook, forever- to start a fire on an improvised bbq in irish weather.

Ingredients:

The Process:

Step 1: Chop/grate/slice your cabbage, carrots and onions.

Step 2: In a big bowl mix the yogurt with olive oil, one tsp of mustard, salt and pepper.

Step 3: Unite the two and mix them with your hands, like a savage, to get everything equally distributed. So, like a gentle savage.

Ingredients:

The Process:

Step 1: Mix your meats, onions, garlic and spices until they all love each other. It doesn't take long, they're kinda slutty. Shhh!
Step 2: Form patties. Make them as fat, as wide, as naughty as you like! No judgement here, no, sir!
Step 3: Put them in the freezer for an hour. They need to get all perky on the outside and soft in the middle. Like the ideal woman.
Step 4: Grill' em, grill'em good.
I made some on the outside man-built bbq and some on the inside grill pan. Of course, the outside ones were tastier because of that awesome smoky flavor they get from...well, being in a fire, basically.

♫ This burger's on fiiireeeeeeee! This buuurger's ooon fireeeeeeeeee! It's walkin' on fiiiireeee!♫

Step 5: Get that bad boy outta there and in a bun immediately! It's begging to be eaten! That's all the input you're gettin' from me!

Feedback: This one was a toughie, because I really had no idea how to "burger". I was also starving, so I couldn't quite think straight. Aaaand I did that thing I do where I overbook my schedule and I was running around like a headless chicken trying to keep my shit together. Needles to say, I didn't quite manage. You can tell by the crappy pictures you have to look at! I mean, let's face it, they're not good! The food was tasty,though. If I had to choose I would not use turkey again in a burger. I think "Beef meets Pork" is the love story that I want in my mouth. Turkey makes things bland and tough. Not worth it. Coleslaw made with yogurt is my new favorite thing, having a bbq in your back yard is awesome, eating foood is great! For the next one, I promise myself to learn from my mistakes, slow down and enjoy things more.

Let's control those crazy emotions, people! Until the next one, happy eating!

COAEE (Confessions Of A Emotional Eater) - Day 7

Yesterday felt like a big chunk of sickness, interrupted by hunger. Miserable state, truly. Something had to happen because I've been in a black hole the last few days and I need to see the light!

11:43 Breakfast. Two slices of toasted bread with hard cheese and ham.

13:19 5 nuts

13:50 Have another nut.

13:52 And MAYBE two more. A nut never comes alone. Life lesson right here!

14:32 Hunger? Sleep? Both.

Then it got foggy. I had lunch at one point. Grilled chicken, an egg and african-american rice/Othello rice.

Then for dinner I had 2 slices of toasted bread with hard cheese and bresaola. Why? Because I had to! We all know what I'm talking about! Why beat around the bush?!

Yup, poor Bob. Now Bob is really questioning his life choices. He has come to a conclusion. This way is truly not the Bob way. Bob is gonna focus on eating right, in order for his body to function properly. Then Bob will slowly build strength and muscle, become Active-Bob and ultimately create a healthier life style. Bob will do some research and some experimenting on himself until he finds his path. Bob is so ambitious! Way to go, Bob!


  This was Day 7. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 6

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Uhm, no. My troubles were very much alive and in my immediate proximity.

Around 11 am: Breakfast. Had double what you see there. I was,of course,satisfied to have a normal breakfast, like an almost normal human being that is satisfied with life.

Around 4 pm: Ate half of a protein bar. Shopped at Lidl. Did not buy anything forbidden. Didn't really feel anything but tired, so the desire to sin was muted.

Around 6 pm: Tried to eat a canned soup I bought. It was very thick (which I consider suspicious) and too spicy. I stopped before I began.

Around 8 pm: Had a sad little meal. Too little to late. Everything stopped being funny. I am in a dark, dark hole where there is no joy for food, only tired bodies and unhappy bellies. Behold tuna with rice and veggies.

Around 9 pm: Decided to go and sleep the sad away. A feeling of uselessness came over me and I ate a alfajor. It's a dessert thing I bought in Tenerife. I read the label. Only bad, bad things in there.

Conversation with myself:

Devil me: Ok, we won't eat it, just open it, you know,just to smell it.

Rational me: Smell it? JUST to smell it?! Why? And OMG, when did that ever work?!

Devil me: I don't know man, it doesn't matter anymore. You've had such a sad lil' day, you try so hard, fuck it, you deserve it. Eat the thing. It's so tiny, it doesn't even matter.

Rational me becomes stupid me. Stupid me eats the thing.

Around 10 pm: Irritable bowl syndrome? Why, welcome, I've been expecting you! Come, take a seat, add to my misery! Oh, no, no problem at all! How long are you planning to stay? Oh, the duration of the visit depends solely on my decisions and how I lead my tiny, insignificant life? Well, isn't that fucking comforting?!

Around 11 pm: Sleeping attempts failed. I am hungry. I promise myself I will not starve myself anymore, because that is not at all the point and because it's very, very stupid. I get out of bed, eat a slice of bread with butter, cheese and ham + an apple. Feel regular and somewhat balanced. An illusion, maybe but hey, we all need them once in a while.

Around 12 pm: I sleep.  

This was Day 6. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

     

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 5


12:45 Woke up. Feeling sleepy, tired and lifeless. The phrase “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn” keeps playing in my head over and over again.

13:25 Fuss free “breakfast”. I just wanted something light that I don't have to work for. I mixed greek yogurt with honey, lemon zest and vanilla, topped with blueberries and flaked almonds and called it a day.

13:35 I'm ready for my beauty sleep now. Can I go? Can I just give up on life? It feels like a good day to that that.

13:43 I am kinda swinging from one side to the other. Can't tell if the vertigo is out to get me again or if I'm simply falling asleep on my ass, while writing this. Multitasking! I'm totally doing! Just very very slowly. Does it count? I think it counts.

13:45 The last philosophical question has tired me beyond...beyond any...beyond...Ok, eyes closing, can't keep head straight, don't have the words to say...things anymore. I have never been this sleepy. Wtf?

14:00 I have decided my day will be sitting on the couch covered in blankets and bears and watching Gone with the wind. Yup, that's ma' plan and I'm sticking to it!

15:something Lunch. The sausage fest continues. Yes, I know what I just said.

Unspecified time: Activity:Gone with the wind. Actual activity: drinking tea and editing pictures. Some book colouring may have happened somewhere in between. Also half of a protein bar.

20:00 Fiddle-dee-dee, I'm hungry! Refuse to lift a finger, too tired. Will order from thai place. Hope it doesn't kill me.

20:30 Let the eating begin! May the odds be ever in your favour. This right here was called “shredded chicken”. None of us expected this lightly battered mother fucker to show up, but umph, there it is! Now deal with it.

This right here is steamed jasmine rice with chicken in black bean sauce & broccoli. Gobble gobble!

They,of course,sent free prawn crackers aka the work of the devil. It called out to me. I had one, then threw them away!

21:33 Oh, honey child, we is alright now. Belly full. That don't make it right, just full.

22:00 Questioning my life choices. This went on for a wHile.

12:45 Remembered I had some beef that needed marinating for a whole night (wink wink) so I did that.

01 am Apple+peanut butter+complete analysis of Gone with the wind and “why those two can't work things out”.

2 am I looked back on the last 2 days and realized that when I'm busy, I starve. And that it's stupid and it messes me up and it feels horrible. Then and there I made a decision: " As God is my witness, this is not going to beat me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! "

You see what I did there. If you don't then you should watch the movie or just that moment, because the magic of youtube is real and it saves lives. No, they are not paying me for this. They should, though.

This was Day 5. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

COAEE (Confession Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 4

10:30 ish Woke up. Tired as fuck. Needed to move fast and efficient because this is Friends recipe making day. Decided to improvise/DIY bbq.

11:30 Shopped. Came home, carrying a lot of coal. I felt like a camel carrying another camel. Only ate this:

13:00 Made tea, finished “COAEE- Day” in a fervour! Time is a bitch.

13:34 Watching a fat pigeons ass walking away from me just outside my window. Lucky bustard, no one's judging him. I bet in the pigeon world being fat is actually an asset!

14:00 The building of the bbq was successful! I have begun preparing and taking pics. Still haven't eaten anything.

14:something Ate a meatball. And then another one.

16:30 Hungry as fuck. Still doing blog stuff while starving. This starts to feel like a twisted experiment. I feel like I'm my own guinea pig and it's twisted and wrong. My life is a lie.

16:45 I make a salad out of whatever I can get my hands on, including some really unappetising lookin' turkey breast. Please excuse the blurry picture, my hands were shaking because of hunger.

16:50 Still in a hurry. Managed to have 3-4 mouthfuls of salad. I don't even know how it tastes. Eating this purely for survival.

16:52 Gave up the salad. I was force feeding myself and I'm not very good at doing that.

17:05 Bbq is on! Man made fire! Get your freak on! In the form of burgers and sausages! Yeah, baby

17:32 Polish guy bring tiny snack sausages into my life and all of a sudden there is hope! Lenny Long Sausage is his name and being my no-carb snack is his game! Oh, Lenny, welcome!

17:whatever,lost track of time- ATE. Finally!Like a starving animal. Yes, with the bun and all. One burger, half of sausage, coleslaw and roasted sweet potato fries. I have sinned. On Saturdays I sin. Now you know.

After dinner: Party time! More sinning ahead! Had 2 glasses of wine and one vodka orange. Became aware of the “herd mentality” regarding party snacks. When chips and popcorn were put in front of me and others started eating, like a natural reflex, my hand started to move in the direction of the damn popcorn bowl. Then I stopped to ask myself why. I am hungry? I am craving this? What does my stomach say? It said: “Girl, you full, you can't fit any of that in here. You good.” So I was good. For a while. After drinking a bit, I felt kinda sorta hungry or whatever. Booze makes it harder for you to focus on your goals! I ate some, not a lot. Succesfully avoided the apple pie and just took a bite from the one my bf ate. Confession complete? Almost. We add on the list one gingerbread-martipan-jelly-chocolate creation. One. Out of many available. Not too bad. Not too good either.

After party: Got home around 3 am, ate 2 pieces of Lenny Long Legs and ended the Saturday Of Great Sins. This was Day 4. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.

  

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Day 3

Some days seem longer because you count the minutes, other days seem longer because they're harder and shit keeps coming your way. You count those in moments. This is how today went:

Around morning time: Thought I'd have a good, full breakfast since I needed the energy cause work work, bla bla. Started making omelette. Boyfriend made coffee. I felt this crazy urge to drink coffee like there was no manana. And there almost wasn't a manana for me (shhh, I exaggerate, it's who I am, go with it). As I was putting the omelette on the plate, I got dizzy. The vertigo was upon me. Oh, yay. Let us panic and drink lemon water. I, of course, couldn't eat the omelette, made me nauseous. Replaced that with another rice cake with cheese, spinach, ham and beets. You get no photo, because I was kinda busy almost dying and all that.

During the vertigo: Sat in bed for 20 min. Felt helpless, frustrated and sleepy. Boyfriend brought magical pills from pharmacy. Popped one. Felt better in like 20 min. I knew I needed some magnesium! I've been feeling too crappy, clearly needed help!

"Job": Cleaned house for privileged hard-to-please white girl. Loved every second of it. An exercise in letting go and understanding you can't please everybody and that sometimes it's really not you, it's them.

After vertigo: Drank lemon water, felt hunger no more until I finished job, was walking to meet people at movie. Perfect day for a bloody Tarantino. Whole day felt like a blood bath.

Around 6 pm: walking to the Dart Station, the smell of fish and chips welcomes me. Felt like throwing up, so no, thank you! I watch people having dinner in lovely cute places with twinkly lights, carbs and wine! I think then and there that their life seems so much simpler than mine. I am a petty, envious creature and I desire what others have.

“Train wreck”: Waiting for the train for 25 min. Bloody cold outside, I feel very hungry all of a sudden, am surrounded by vending machines with chips and chocolate and fizzy drinks. I take out my chicken wrap (part of a batch I made 2 days ago for such emergencies). It was no longer tasty. It was mushy and too garlicky and cold and tasted like self pity, disappointment and just pure sadness in roll form. Two french girls were eating chocolate and laughing continuously. I hated their guts, kept hopping at least one of them would choke. If I'm not happy, no one should be happy around me! One of my best moments, yes. Really proud of the mature, rational thoughts I was invaded by. Here is a picture from the day I made the wraps, and they were actually tasty:

Train ride: Guy next to me eats multiple tiny bags of chips. I drink lemon water, feel garlicky and disgusted. I pop another pill, treat it like the main course after a heart breaking appetizer. Listen to Adele's “A million years ago” and cry. Check!

“Gum is life” moment: I buy two packs of gum, because I feel unstable and gum is like mediation. Totally balances me out. Not! It was an impulse buy, ok?! Stop judging me! Also bought this:

 I looked at it. Well, that looks fucking delicious. Gimme more, oh, just can't get enough :\. Phruuu, prruh. Bird sounds. Cause fucking bird food!!! I am becoming a bird. Here's a blurry perspective of it. Cause that was my perspective the whole freakin' day!

 “Movie”: I love going to the movies on being on a “health ride”. There is nothing there that I can have! Except water! Even their nuts are covered in sugar and unknown shit. We resist that, just get tickets. Done, we are in our seats, let the movie watching begin! And then this almost magical thing happens. Everything goes dark and silent. All you hear is the sound of all the bags of chips opening, like music, like a choreographed dance of torture. And then every chip hitting every tooth and breaking into pieces in the mouth of some lucky fool is like a needle stabbing you in the throat. With every sound I felt the taste of them in my mouth. A Doritos memory is indeed a lingering one. Ah, the cinema, a happy experience!

“Actual movie”: It begins. I hear “molasses”, “steak dinner” and then...”nougat”? I think I'm losing it. Damn, son! I'm going cuckoo

“After movie”: I want soup, I need soup. And a donut. I ponder the difference between a “need” and and an actual need. The soup, is something my body really needs (because warmth and nourishment) while the donut, I just want because I feel tired and crappy and I'm relying on a donut (!!!) to turn my day around. How fucked up is that?!

"The small victory": I did not have the donut. Did I mention that these are my favorite donuts?! That I am hardly ever in that area, so when I'm there I usually buy 3?! That I was feeling particularly down today?! Please appreciate this for what it was: a post - Christmas miracle! 

Forgot to mention: Everything hurt! Walking hurt! Bending hurt! Sitting on my ass HURT! I should write a book called "Pain as part of your everyday life". You think it only hurts when you're old? Read this to be proven wrong!

“Finally home”: Ate leftover mussels with leftover peas and green beans. Had tea. Talked about life.

Sometime late in the night: I wrote this. It's much easier to write things as they happen and not in a bulk at the end of the day. Everything feels harder, less natural and more dramatic. But hey, days are different. I guess that's how life keeps us entertained. Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Sometime late in the night but early in the morning: Good night, you crazy kids! This was Day 3. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.