Home / Essays / 2016 / January / COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Day One

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Day One

First of all, I just admitted to being an emotional eater. On the internet! Where the whole world (by that I mean my 5 to 7 friends) can read all about it and feel sorry for me. To them I say, don't, it's no biggie. We emotional eaters are human being too, we live our lives just the same as you. We just resort to food to fix our every anxious feeling, fill our every void and calm our every nervous breakdown. Food is our go-to-squeeze-some-happy place. I've always known that me and food have a special bond, I just recently realized people have a name for that. Like diseases do! This is not that. Yes, I attach feeling/meaning to food; yes, it increases the levels of happy in my belly and my mind; yes, I believe it is one of life's greatest pleasures; that's not the issue. It becomes an issue when you use it as a method to deal with things you can't/ think you can't control, when you feel overwhelmed or sad. Like drugs! *forced cough* So they tell me! See? I'm already learning so many things!

This is is my attempt at fixing my shit, eating right, learning to let go, shedding some fat while we're at it and maintaining what's left of my endangered mental health. Prepare to see everything I eat, followed by a complete analysis to the "why" of it all. Fasten your seat belts, It's going to be a bumpy ride! (I know this is a misquote, but hey, if it fits, I eat it!).

11:30 House is cold so I would like to eat something nice and warm. Normally that would mean milk and rice pudding with cherry preserve on top (homemade, of course). Since that is on the list of evil things, I cannot. I then thought “Ok, what else would I eat to make me feel nice and cosy and shit?” The answer was biscuits and grated apples smushed together into a baby food consistency. Definitely comfort food. It's the stuff my mum used to make when I was a kid, so a happy memory. I crave this more in times of need, when I feel life should give me a warm hug and gently cradle me in a fluffy blanket of motherly love. Messed up level? From 1 to 10? I'll give a 2, it's a quite common and understandable need/reaction. I decide to let that be my inspiration. Uhm, bullshit alert! I wanted that, couldn't have it, tried to get some of that feeling in a bowl. What I did was take some nuts (walnuts, Brazilian, almonds), blend, add apples, blend, add yogurt, honey,cinnamon, blend.

Topped with blueberries and a bit of honey. Ate with pretty spoon to make things better. Because I am a child, of course.

Note to self: too much honey, was too sweet, half of that would do.

11:52 I finished my breakfast. I feel full. Too full, actually, while awkwardly craving something savory. I will ignore this, drink my tea and try to move on with my life. A terrible sleepy sensation comes over me, I wanna curl into a ball in the middle of my bed and stay there forever.

13:17 Ate 5 roasted cashew nuts cause hungry but lazy. Also, counting deez nutz feels wrong but necessary.

14:00 Got off my lazy ass, made a salad (spinach, peppers, feta, grated Parmesan). Ate it with turkey meatballs and green beans. Stuff I smartly prepared the day before. 

14:25 Craving something sweet just after lunch. Wtf is up with that? 

15:38 Still craving some sugar in my bowl. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm finding it difficult to focus on all the project decisions I have to make. That, or the fact that I'm re-organizing my food photos and running into biscotti and cake!!! Not the best thing right now! I am drooly and weak but still standing my ground. #saynotosugar #stoptheabuse #suchaddictmuchwow 

15:58 Just went on Pinterest to find a healthy recipe for a sweet snack. Ended up pinning a German pancake recipe. That is exactly the opposite of what I was trying to do! Pinterest is an evil black whole filled with delicious carbs! If I had any willpower whatsoever I would delete my account and live a normal life again! The struggle is real. 

16:19 This is fucking ridiculous! Can't go cold turkey! I let myself eat one of these:

The healthy version of a hustler.

16:26 Realized I'm not drinking enough water. Maybe I should drink more water. 

16:27 Feeling dizzy because of the chocolate covering the damn rice cake. Talk about fail, this is it, right here! 

16:54 Just saw Will Smith on Ellen, a new wave of motivation hit me right in the face! Let's git'er dooone! Because he's fit and balanced and stuff...

16:57 Am I hungry?! I think I'm hungry. 

18:10 "Remember that thing with eyes in the fridge? Go cook it!" said my lovely blunt inner voice. So, I went and got fishy with it. 

19:30 Had one of the best dinners evah! Grilled trout with creamy polenta and peas! I probably should feel guilty about the polenta, but I don't. No regrets about this meal. Maybe just the fishy smell that now permeates my house. Small price to pay, though! Fuck modesty, man! I nailed it! 

23:38 I am not asleep yet, am starting to feel the seed of slight hunger in my gut. I'll have to eat some nuts before going to sleep. I'll just count those instead of sheep and hope for a peaceful, uneventful night. This is my life now.    

00:00 Ate some pistachios. On account of my hunger, of course! Really need to go to sleep like a responsible adult not a procrastinating student. Oh, I have so many balls in the air! Never been good at juggling those bastards! 

00:37 This was Day 1. See you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after day, forever and ever and ever.