Home / Essays / 2016 / January / S02E01 The one with the carpaccio

S02E01 The one with the carpaccio

Season twooooo! We've made it to season two!

A mini wave in celebration of me! I thought we were gonna get cancelled soon after the pilot, but look at us now!

Ok, it's a tad too much, it's not like it's season 10! I know, I know. Stop raining on my parade! Party over, let's get back to business. Today's episode is “The one with five steaks and an eggplant”. This episode is bursting with recipes, the first one on the list is Carpaccio. Yes, some people do say that's just raw meat and that it's disgusting. Stop listening to the masses, expand that view of yours and embrace some weird stuff in your life. If you are a newbie in this area (as I was) you're gonna wanna start with this guy:

This is Vittorio Carpaccio and he was a Venetian painter. It's sad that he's more famous (among us, simpletons, at least) for a dish that was named after him then for being a painter. Lemme tell you the story. Once upon a time there was a man called Giuseppe Cipriani. He, like all of us at one point in our lives, had a dream: he wanted to have a bar to call his own and name it Harry's Bar because... that makes no sense whatsoever. Who the fuck is Harry?! My bets are on “gay lover” who is not hairy at all ;) Where was I? Oh yeah, so Giuseppe opened a bar and named it after the love of his life, Harry. The bar became a hit! Everybody loved Harry's Bar! One day the countess Amalia Nani Mocenigo (who has done nothing relevant in her entire life) entered Harry's Bar and acted like a snooty countess. Apparently her doctor advised her to eat raw meat instead of cooked, so she asked the chef to come up with something she could eat. And that event, ladies and gentlemen, is the most significant thing she's ever done in her privileged countess life. Talk about the right “disease” at the right time, in the right place! Anyway, Giuseppe stepped up to the challenge and essentially didn't try much. First he panicked, then he finely sliced some beef, pounded it (he was good at that, ask Harry) and drizzled it with a cream-colored sauce (worry not, it's just a olive oil and lemon juice emulsion). He looked at it, remembered that there is an exhibition dedicated to Vittorio Carpaccio (like right around the corner) and then his brain made the magical connection. Well, no, that was just a coincidence. He named it after Caravaggio because—aaaa! Carpaccio! Damn it! It was bound to happen. He named it after him because Carpaccio was known for the characteristic red and white tones of his work.

Disclaimer: This is the spicy version of the real story. Facts may have been twisted for my own entertainment and maybe with the purpose of tickling one fancy or another. For the real, boring story search your usual information channels. Or believe mine and help spread it! Like a disease! Or not, you know, whatever... Be the change you want to see in the world! Here at gogocherie.com we embellish stories to bring light into the lives of others. If you want to join our cause please email us at fake.it.till.you.make.it@gmail.com. No weirdos, please.

Things and stuff:

  • a well sharpened knife
  • a whisk
  • a bowl or two (who's counting?)

It was this big:

  • 8 glorious cuts of pink beef

It took this long:

  • 10-15 minutes


The Process:

Step 1: Make a vinaigrette by mixing two-three tablespoons of olive oil with the juice of half of lemon, salt and pepper.

Step 2: Whisk, baby, whisk! It shall be transformed into this magical looking "potion":

Step 3: Slice your hunk of beef. Thinly. Do not strive for thinness too much though! You risk destroying the slices and ending up with fringes. If you think they're too thick, just wait a minute! We'll get to that.

Step 4: Get yourself some cling film. Arrange beef on it. Cover with cling film and simply pound it with your palm or cute-but-firm lil'fist. It will expand easily and obviously.

Step 5: Now they're tired after all that pounding. Offer them a plate to lay on and look pretty and ruby-cheeked (innuendo over). Sprinkle with salt.

Step 6: Drizzle some of the lovely vinaigrette on top. Use the rest to dress those salad leaves and put that on top, like a crown on a queen. And then disregard the ridiculous comparison and add big, bold, parmesan shavings allover.

That is all. Now, summon up some courage and put that in your mouth.

Feedback: I'm not in the most meat loving time in my life, so for me it was just alright. My boyfriend was blown away. He didn't expect to like it so much and he kept saying things like "We're gonna do that again!". Yes, in that fat Monica voice. If you are a meat lover, I really recommend this. Very easy to put together and let's face it, it puts you in a very sophisticated light. If you eat it alone you're a snob, if you make it for a dinner party you're fancy. Either way, worth the try. It's like a personality test: "Are you the Carpaccio eating type or a closeted vegetarian?" Take our test and you will never have to ask yourself this terrifying question again.

Ragazzi, buon appetito! Until the next one, happy eating!