Home / Essays / 2016 / February / COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Week 2

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Week 2

Le Weekend- When bad things happened. We received a grandma package from back home. Yes, it was filled with brownies and wafer cookies. All fresh, delicious and plenty.

Also, this happened at some point. Don't worry, it wasn't that good.

And this:

That's spaghetti with tuna and zucchini in a tomato sauce, topped with mozzarella. Yup, evil weekend.

Monday

11:00 Breakfast time! On Sunday a friend invited me (via the magic of facebook) to join the "Girls who eat oats in the morning" club. If you're not a foodie this sound very weird. Just roll with it, man. So, yogurt mixed with oats and almond it is! Leave them overnight in the fridge to puff up and soften up and all those lovely things. I mixed mine with vanilla, honey and lemon zest, stirred and tucked it to sleep. In the morning, I took it out of the fridge, topped it with mango, blueberries, pumpkin seeds and a drizzle of maple syrup.

I felt full and energized! What a lovely surprise after 10 days of crawling through life on an empty tank AND stomach, for that matter.

13:30 to 15:20 Cleaned a house. Fast and efficient! Very surprising!

15:25 Felt very very hungry. On my way home, I, of course, went to Lidl- The Disneyland of the poor.

16:15 Yay! Managed to spend less than an hour in there and tormented myself waaay less compared to that other time! I declared it a success! I celebrated that success by eating a banana+some roasted&salted cashew nuts on my way home.

16:45 Hoooneeey, I'm hooome! I watered some plants, changed my shoes, put the groceries in the fridge and then decided to stop doing anything else and eat! I have this gift to get wrapped up in silly things and not prioritize what I should prioritize! Had some grilled chicken leftover in the fridge, so I decided to use that in a salad. Lettuce, chicken, carrot sticks, apple slices, grated gruyere cheese, walnuts and cranberries. Filled up on half of that and then started dancing and doing push ups on the kitchen counter. I don't know what happened, man! It was a magical day! Someone put fuel in my tank and I loooved it!

20:15 I cleaned some things, re-organized some other things and then got hungry again. Ate some pastrami with cottage cheese, some tomato and onion salad and a slice of bread. Life felt simple again! It was a nice feeling.

21:46 Uh, uh, I'm getting hungry. Nooooo!

21:50 Ate 3, no, 6 pistachios.

23:10 Pistachio business is good! I'm afraid I'll turn green. It's a pretty green, but hey, It's still green.

23:19 Thinking of a banana. Not just a banana, in general. One specific banana. In a brown paper bag. Downstairs. In my kitchen. Waiting for me. Whispering sweet, nasty things in slytherin.

23:21 Too lazy to get out of bed, so banana's efforts to lure me in are pointless. Instead, I answer the calling of grissini from the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I like to keep my forbidden stash close.Why? Because I want to make sure I fail at life! I can't risk giving myself a chance! I might make it! What the fuck am I gonna do then?!

Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Day over.

Tuesday

10:30 Woke up. Started counting. No, not stars. Pains and aches. 1.Headache. 2. Latimus dorsi- repetitive strain ache + neck. 3. Lower back pain. Sciatica is sssexy. 4. Period pains. 

There you go: 4 reasons to start drinking in the morning!

10:56 Morning yoga. Necessary yoga. Stiff, old lady yoga.

11:11 Tea. One teaspoon of honey, honey.

11:32 Breakfast. Same overnight oatmeal thing. Different stuff on top. Hoping to re-create yesterdays energetic experience.

13:00 Still resisting the grandma brownies. Feels like a fucking countdown to giving in. Will I eat it now? Will I eat it now? Will I eat it later?! Exhausting!

12:58 Tea. With just a hint of Soplitza. Magical Polish booze with hazelnut flavor. Come on, baby, give mamma a kiss on the lips!

13:39 I'm hungry. Question is: am i proper hungry or is it just an illusion? Let's wait and see what happens.

15:00 Waited for a while now. Hungry. Lunch. Omlette du fromage with tomato salad, grilled pastrami, and some whipped cheese. 

15:09 Had my very last bite.Two fucking minutes later I craved something sweet with my entire soft body!

15:24 I have a brownie. I wish to have them all. Damn you grandma! You and your evil delicious treats that no one asked for but you sent anyway, so that we'd be fat forever!

15:26 Thank you, grandma. They are very yummy. No, we are not ungrateful privileged white kids with no respect for your love and efforts.

15:49 I feel sleepy and I would like to sleep in a sleepy way.

16:38 Two pieces of sugar happiness+a headache. Well done! I am so proud of myself right now :/

17:17 Feeling really thirsty. Which means I'm already dehydrated. Yay. I am doing everything right today! How about you drink more water and eat less cake, smart ass?!

18:20 Drank some water. Ate some more devil brownie. That's it, tomorrow I'm giving them away! If temptation is in every corner of your home, spreading its delicious smells and flaunting its chocolatyness with every occasion, you're gonna give in at some point! Or repeatedly!  Time to put that chocolate slut on the streets, where she belongs!

Between that and dinner all that happened was headache. All that I felt was headache. All that remained in my world and in the entire world, universe included was this bitchy headache that wouldn't go the fuck away!

21:40 Dinner. Beef and vegetable sour soup best known as the mighty, life-saving ciorba. It is believed to have magical healing powers. For the body and the soul. I can't be alone in this! I'm sure that are people out there who feel the same! Soup lovers from around the world, unite! Captain Planet style! ;)

I do not have a picture for this, I forgot to snap one every-time. Sorry. 

2:00 Yes, a.m. Glass of milk + last brownie. Goodbyeeee, brownnies!

2:25 Went to bed. Lights out, honey! You've been a very bad girl!

Wednesday 

10:30 Rise and shine!

10:56 Water! Drink water! You really need that!

11:30 Breakfast. Same oats. Pears (tossed with cinnamon&lemon juice), strawberries, basil, honey.

12:19 Ate slowly. The Never-ending Oats, ladies and gentlemen, the title of my first book! A lovely fairy tale about the miracle grain that is the oat. The magic is wearing off, only managed to eat half of that. I am officially getting bored. Experiments are hard.

13:11 Kinda empty down there in the belly district. Let's try drinking some water, maybe the hunger goes away.

Ate nuts. That's all I remember. I was busy. Didn't wanna waste time cooking, was hungry, ate nuts. Not the best idea. But not the worst either, considering I have Ben&Jerry's Cinnabon ice cream in the freezer. You know what I mean?!

17:00 Lunch. Cabbage, onions, carots, smoky meat. Put them together and you've got yourself a treat. Add a fried egg, drop some polenta on that plate, and you're done! It's really tasty. Didn't quite fill me up, though. Should have had more of that.

19:00 I ate the last of those much advertised grissini. To get it over with! Plus, I was hungry and lazy.

22:00 Yeah, dried bread sticks are not really that nutritious. A shocker, I know! So, I had half of a sandwich, half a bowl of soup and a chocolate digestive biscuit.

And then I just blacked out. Nighty night!

Thursday

10:30 Woke up. Back pain, hello! Headache, hi there! 

10:32 Yeah, fuck you guys!

11:00 Woke up again. If at first you don't succeed...give it a half an hour and hope for magic?

11:30 Ok, magic doesn't exist. I'm getting out of bed.

12:02 Breakfast. Yeah, I know what time it is. It's breakfast to me, cause it's the first meal of the day! Shut up, you can't tell me what to do! I had porridge, ok?! Judge that too! God, I can't catch a break.

Ate half, cause I'm kinda sick of oats at this point. The other half landed in the garbage. It is what it is, not all of us make it. Some get eaten, some get thrown away. It's a hard life for oats everywhere!

13:30 Yoga Camp- Yoga with Adriene. On youtube! For free! I love her! She's the best! You should check her out!

14:40 Man, hunger comes at you like a bitch! All of a sudden and out of nowhere! Let's cook something fast! 

15:20 Fast my ass! Still too slow! Damn it!  Anyway, lunch. Grilled chicken + roasted veg (from a bag, frozen) + tomato and mozzarella salad. 

15:40 Done! Full tummy, yes, sir!

16:57 Roasted cashews time. And a bite out of a very dark chocolate. Why? Because I was bored. I was reading and the automatism to just put something in one's mouth kicked in. Made me realize how fucked up and unnecessary that is! And what an evil rooted habit it is...

17:00 Dizzy. Because black chocolate was too black for me to handle. No, that is not racist. Don't roll your eyes. And don't you dare pout your lips at me!

19:00 Have a banana! 

19:01 I did! I totally did!

20:00 Would-murder-for-cookie impulse came over me. Out of the freakin' blue!

20:35 Dinner. Soup. Because curry takes forever and we're too hungry for that bullshit. No, I don't have a picture. No, I wasn't really fulfilled.

21:34 Half of pear. Eating those cakes was clearly a mistake! Now my body craves the sugar intake it got used too. I feel like a crack addict. I need the candy, the snow, the smack, man! Gimme IT!

22:20 Some nuts again. Kinda hungry, I'm not gonna lie.

1:00 Sleep. Just sleep. Try again tomorrow.

Friday

10:00 Woke up.

11:00 Breakfast. Ate half.

12:25 Kinda hungry. Had an early lunch, since I was gonna clean a house during proper lunch time. Beef and squash curry with cous cous.

12:39 Now I'm full and ready to go!

14:00 to 16:30 Cleaned house for a delusional, bitchy lil' piece of shit that wanted "everything" done in a big ass house in just 2 hours and 30 min instead of 4 and half, as reality dictates. Why? Because if there weren't any crappy people in the world we wouldn't appreciate the nice ones we usually meet.

16:50 Had a banana and some nuts on my way to Howth. The place where I buy fresh prawns. Because tomorrow is Friends Food Challenge day and that recipe ain't gonna make herself. 

17:something I receive an email stating that future bookings with the delusional have been canceled by the earlier mentioned delusional because she is delusional. I felt angry, mistreated and frustrated. Then I felt sad because there was nothing I could do about it.

I bought my prawns and tried to get a table in a restaurant, which was not easy, without a reservation. Let boyfriend know that he should come, that we should have a nice dinner in a nice place to wash away the ugliness and injustice of that day.

18:32  Found a table at The Brass Monkey. Ordered a chai latte. Waiting, looking through the menu, feeling crappy. Sciatica is hating on me. I want to drawn in sticky toffee pudding until the pain goes away. Miserable state, so of course my instinct was to resort to food. Because food can make it all better. Because food is always there. Because pudding never judges. Toffee always understands.

19:00 We order a bunch of things and decide to share them all. First, we had the Deluxe Clam Chowder. Boy, was it deluxe! Fishy joy in a bowl! Those are indeed pesto prawns floating on that creamy dream :D

Second, the duck liver parfait with crusty bread. Was alright. I have high pate expectations since the London trip and the pate that changed my life. This one didn't stand a chance. Nice, creamy texture, but the flavor was just plain and meaty, no dimensions here.

As a main we ordered the catch of the day, which happened to be salmon. Delicious! The fish was perfectly flaky and juicy, the roasted potatoes and the veggies were just as they should be, no complaints here!

You know we went for the dessert. Don't even ask me that. Sticky toffee pudding it is!

Did it make me feel better? Kind of. It's like having a cold and taking a pain pill. It's a temporary band aid. Then you go back to the pain, cause it didn't fix it. Pudding doesn't do that. I just covered it up, like cats do with their shit. But the shit is still there, you can smell it. Go pick it up and stop eating pudding! You're just eating delicious pudding in the presence of a very bad smell! You're ruining a perfectly good pudding experience!

20:30 Called the bitch to check if her diet consisted mainly of shit or solely of shit. Verdict? Shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner! And for snacks? you ask. Smaller pieces of shit, nut sized. 

20:35 I was angry. I turned to yoga. Yoga said:

But my tits were not easy to calm, cause they were pissed off! Good yoga session though. I'm really focused when I'm mad.

21:30  Wrote angry e-mail for justice purposes. Boyfriend edited angry e-mail because, even though it made some good points, it was aggressive,passive aggressive and sarcastic as fuck. First drafts tend to be like that when dealing with stupidity!

Spoiler alert: justice was served on Monday. It felt good.

12:00 Protein bar. 

12:something Made bed on the floor because the back pain was killing me. Eventually fell asleep.

Conclusions:

1. I need to work on letting thing go. This is no news for me. 

2. Need to keep up the research I started to see what's happening to my gut and my muscles. I'm currently reading two books hoping to get there faster.

3. I know it will take a while. And lots of patience.

4. I learned  (again) that attitude towards food makes a big difference. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and the things that I "can't have", I try to focus on what I am having and how I can make that pretty and tasty. Put in the effort to make it look nice, then it will feel nice! Like a treat not a punishment!

5. A difficult one: STOP postponing! Eat when you are hungry! Prepare the food before you get to a crazy angry point! Because, honey, it's only downhill from there and meltdowns are not pretty.

This was Week 2. See you next week. And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, forever and ever and ever.