The last couple of weeks have been loose, I ain’t gonna lie. I have eaten freely and surprisingly enough, I feel no guilt about it. I’m working on this theory that guilt makes you fatter than carbs. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. Thing is, it didn’t feel like giving up or giving in. It just felt like a break. It felt like I got tired of cooking and planning and controlling everything. So I let the soft animal of my body love what it loves. What it loved most was stuff I did not have to work for. Emotional as I am, I burnt my candle at both ends and I was left with no fucks to give whatsoever. It’s actually more than just digging in the bag of fucks and finding absolutely nothing. I couldn’t even find the friggin’ bag. I didn’t try much because I didn’t feel like it. I felt emotionally numb but not in a bad way. All that urgency and pressure I normally feel just melted like the mozzarella on top of all that frozen pizza I ate. The only thing bubbling these days (besides the Proseco) was my interest in Jane the Virgin, chilling, eating out and doing yoga. I tried to feel bad about it, I really did! Well, more like my mind was trying to make my gut feel bad, but it failed. I think I needed this. I, of course, learned something from it. I had to! Otherwise, it would have been useless. First of all, the second you stop actively wanting and working on this “eating right, moving your ass” thing, you just stop. It’s that easy! It is so easy to start eating unlimited amounts of store bought white crusty bread again, to eat sweets without restrictions, to just buy frozen pizza and sandwich stuff, to forget fruits and veggies exist, to renounce all the good habits you worked so hard on maintaining. It is the easiest thing! Good thing is, if the good stuff was good for your body, your body will miss it and it will let you know. Mainly all those digestion problems you forgot you used to have are back. Oh, and you are not pooping as well as you used to.
If you’re sensitive to bowel movement talk, you should tell me right now! Full disclosure! Nothing's gonna change, though, I’m gonna keep talking about it as long as it’s relevant. And you know it’s relevant! So stop being squeamish and face your poop! It’s important! All carbs and no veggies makes Johnny an inconsistent pooper. Y’all, we need fibre! The second thing I realized was that these times of “can’t find my fucks, I wonder where I left them” happen because I care too much about everything all the time. It’s forced balance. Now, how great would it be if I could achieve balance throughout instead of these spikes of too much and not at all? Uhm, hello! Isn’t that the goal? It sure is, my emotionally unstable friend, it sure is. My only regret these past weeks is that I ate even when I wasn’t really hungry. It’s easy to go back to gently stuffing your face and forgetting about the world.
Highlights (some I’m proud of, some not so much)
- I went running on my first day on the period train. I worked in the morning, I came back, I covered myself in blankets and pain pills and theeeen out of the blue I decided to get out of my fort of cosy and go running :O Shocker, I know! That’s when I realized I can go running even at night-time. I have no idea why I didn’t consider this before. I’m sure there’s some self sabotage mechanism here somewhere. Sneaky little bastard!
- I bought a big bag of Doritos. I ONLY did it because they didn’t have the small one! Cross my thighs and hope to die, well I wouldn’t tell you no lie (improvisation on Elvis). Aaaanyway, I ate some on a bench in the park, you know, as one does. Wait, there’s an upside to this story! I threw the rest away! :O I threw Doritos into the garbage! No looking back, no regrets, no nada! Adios, chicos!
- I went running that same day. The wind was cray-cray. I was running and crying. It really felt like holdin’ on for dear life. The program went from 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking to 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking. Not fockin’ easy, mate! I barely made it. But hey, I slept like a baby that night.
- The Frozen Pizza Day. There was this day. I ate frozen pizza on this day. Once, twice, three times a laaaady! Easily top 10 “My proudest moments”. That’s an act of courage, right there!
- I went to yoga on Saturday on a rainy morning! Had brunch in the form of french toast with bacon and maple syrup AND was able to move the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I was in pain, I was sore, but it was the good kind of sore! I worked hard for that pain, I earned that shit!
1. I will begin by saying that I’m not actually running, I’m “running”. It’s a sort of a faster crawl. I am so bad at it! I am quite possibly one of the worst and it is awesome. It’s such a relief! I’m bad at it and I know it. I have no expectations, there is no pressure to “live up to my potential”! I have no potential, it’s a miracle I’m doing this in the first place! That’s why a sense of victory follows every running attempt because every attempt is a victory. I mean I have heard the theory about the whole view on failure and evolving and all that jazz, but I never actually went through that, until now. I am liberated! I am the world’s fastest slug! Imagine how glorious the posters would look!
2. During - and after - a run (or a “run”) I get what I can only refer to as “The tin man experience”. You know, because you feel all empty on the inside. Because your chest feels like a hollow tin shell and you’re just now learning how to fill it. It really makes you aware of how big your chamber is and how senseless you usually are. I totally recommend it. Approach with curiosity and joie de vie. Good luck! And don’t trust everything you read ;). 3. Do not diss running on Destiny’s Child - Survivor. It fucking works.
Notes on life:
1. I will begin by saying that I’m not actually living, I’m “living”. It’s a sort of a faster crawl. I am so bad at it! I am quite possibly one of the worst and it is NOT awesome. Unlike the “running”, I feel no relief! I’m bad at it and I know it but I have all these expectations, there is all the pressure to live up to my potential! Yup, I even let the commas go, because this is serious! There is no sense of victory, only the sense of barely keeping up. I mean I have heard the theory about the whole view on failure and evolving and all that jazz, but I am a bad, bad learner! I am the world’s liveliest zombie! Imagine how glorious the posters would look!
2. Once in a while I get what I can only refer to as “The tin man experience”. You know, because you feel all empty on the inside. Because your chest feels like a hollow tin shell and you’re just now learning how to fill it. And that chamber gets bigger and emptier while you get smaller and more insignificant everyday. I totally recommend it. Approach with curiosity and joie de vie. If you can. Good luck! And don’t trust everything you read ;).
3. Do not diss Destiny’s Child - Survivor. It fucking works.
Conclusions?: When in doubt, just blast some “Survivor” and get your groove back. Ups and downs, baby, that’s how it works. The waves of the sea, almost every frigging melody, roller coasters and life. Don’t go faking it, you knew this, you’re not at all surprised.
That was a week ago. Another week has passed and since then I went from “numb in a alright way” to “numb in a bad way”. Why ? Because I don’t feel “the push”. I don’t have the internal urgency, the drive! There is no will flowing through my cheesy body. Hell, even using exclamation points seems fake and forced and unreal. The force is no longer with me. Thus, nothing happens. I don’t write, I don’t crave, I don’t cook, I don’t care. I just go through the motions. I am now an emotionless eater. If you expected this to be a good thing, if you thought “Hey, since she’s not driven by crazy emotions anymore she should eat right and chill!” Yeah, no. When I don’t care about anything, I don’t care what I eat, so I eat whatever. “Whatever” is hardly ever a good strategy when you’re trying to build a better life. Not to mention I stopped “running” and I was even too lazy for yoga. I desire nothing, yet I don't feel at all like the Buddha. I feel cheated. My care is on vacation. Waiting for the bitch to come back and help me win at life. Hope she comes back soon, it’s weird around here without her. The house feels empty and all that blues.
Clarification: I am not sad. Do not confuse “numbness” with “sadness”. I actually had some pretty awesome days just “being”. But I am not myself when I don’t want things. I feel like I’m underwater and everything is slower and I am not going anywhere.
I leave you with what has been my anthem these past weeks: