C.O.A.E.E(Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 8

Monday was a very pensive day, very slow and kind of funny... but not in a "haha" way. More in a "hm, this feels weird" kind of way. Lucky for me I kept my new found "A soup a week" tradition that is just perfect for days like these. Here you have a Romanian sour soup with chicken that I made on Sunday.

Morning started with the old apple crumble and continued with a slice of rye bread with butter, kabanos, cheese and tomatoes for a before-work snack. A banana for a after-work snack and soup for lunch. Dinner was chicken schnitzel with roasted sweet potato fries, green beans and white cabbage salad.

I also made some nuts&seeds honey bars with added goji berries for chewiness and dark chocolate for obvious reasons. These are awesome! If you're interested in the recipe just ask for it. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Express your feelings, this is a safe environment.

Tuesday. The short version: The last of the crumble topped with a yummy dollop of vanilla yogurt. Lunch was soup. Dinner was leftover schnitzel with sweet potatoes and peas. Snacks: aubergine spread on rye bread with tomatoes, and nutty bars.

Tuesday. The long version: International Women’s day. I treated myself to crumble and tea in the morning. I wrote a lil’ status on Facebook (because where else can one express thoughts these days?!) wishing women this and that in a burst of “girl powah to us all”. For the first time ever, I was inspired by my own words ("omg! no you didn’t!", complete shock and all that jazz) and decided to woman up and go walk the walk. Or run the run for that matter. My first run. Lord, gimme the strength to not fall down on my face yelling “Meeeercy! Big fat desperate meercy!”.

Aaaanyway, what I am using to guide me through the madness is the C25K aka Couch to 5 k. Pretty fockin’ accurate. First day goes like this: We began… Who’s we, you ask? Me & my juicy booty, heyo! Damn, yoga pants are hot! Where was I? Right. We begaaaan with a 5 min warm-up walk. I started this step foolishly enthusiastic, feeling like “Uh, I can’t wait to start running!”, “Uh, my ass feels great in these pants”, “Uh, I’m gonna skip a little, just because I can!” You naive, delusional, poor soul. Waaaait fooor it! Step two is running for one minute. Oki, oki, that went well. Exciting even! Step 3: walk for 90 seconds. Then... repeat. “Begin running for one minute. This is run 2 out of 8.” This is when I began to feel the fear creeping in. Enter Eminem.

“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy” - Yo, you read my motherfucking mind! Go, go, don’t stop! I pick up the pace, pour some willpower into this biatch!

“No more games, I'm'a change what you call rage / Tear this motherfucking roof off like two dogs caged / I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed” - Word, the mood did change. Breathe, breathe, don’t panic, keep going.

“Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not”- This one here really put some gas in my engine, some coal in my stove, some hot sauce on my fries! Mmmm... fries. I drool, but it’s windy so the drool hits me right back in the face. Rinse and repeat, baby, rinse and repeat!

“Feet, fail me not / This may be the only opportunity that I got / You can do anything you set your mind to, man”- By this point I was exhausted and could hardly inhale. I was exhaling way too much, though. No, it didn’t make up for the lack of air going in! That’s not how it works. But I made it! I made it to the “ping” sound that announced the end of that 1 minute. Man, a minute can be really fucking long. “Now walk”. “Run 3 of 8”. Keeping it together, it’s getting harder to breathe, though. “Now walk”. “Run 4 of 8”. Ah, crap, can’t catch a full breath, my nostrils are flaring, my air ways are starting to sting like bees on pms.“Now walk”. “Run 5 of 8”. I feel heavier, my legs feel like linguine, my right side starts to hurt, like I’m being stabbed with a very tiny but very real knife. I guess; I wouldn’t know. “Run 6 of 8” I can’t do it, I won’t make it, it stings too much and hurts too bad. Those 90 sec of walking seem to be getting shorter and shorter; And boy, those 60 seconds of running sure look like a bitch now! If only I could make it to the end of this run! “Now walk”. “Run 7 of 8”. Omg, I can’t believe I have to run again! How will I pull this off?! I feel like I’m running towards my death while also having a fever! I am burning up, my chest is like a big box of needles, my head feels like a boiling potato and I’m losing control over my legs! I am, also, very aware of my butt-cheeks. I am waving the desperate flag right about now. Somewhere there is that little voice (a combo between hope and ego) that keeps me going, just doesn’t wanna give up. Come on, I’m sure that by the time you reach that woman with the stroller, you will be done. That thought gives me comfort. I’m almost there! I reach her! I pass her! Goddammit, it’s not over, it didn’t ping! I feel like collapsing into fetal position and giving up. I don’t. “Now walk”. “This is run 8 out of 8”. Oh dear Lord, I can’t breathe! How do I do this if I can’t breathe?! On the other hand, come on, just one more! One run more, one minute more! You can fucking do this! And I did. Barely. But I did. “Now walk”. “Begin cool-down”. Jesus, even my teeth hurt. How is this even possible? I got home. Could not speak. Everything felt hot, everything was burning, in different ways. I sat down and continued trying to breathe. After I was able to say some things, everything started getting cold. My face was red in some places, blue in others :)). Not proper blue, just pale. I took a shower and wrapped myself in warm clothes and a fluffy blanket. New location: bed. Took me like a half an hour to get to breathe normally again. I checked “Run” on my to do list.

One of the most satisfying things I’ve ever checked off a list. Why? Because I hardly ever thought I’d try running. Because it was very challenging. Because I felt like I would die half way through it, but I lived to tell the story. There was this one moment, before the desperate crawl-for-your-life struggle started, when I felt free. I felt like crying and laughing at the same time. I felt this hurt in my chest that has my dad’s absence written all over it, this pain that I can’t lose, I can’t run from, but I can shake while running. Maybe if I shake it enough it will eventually melt. It will still be there but maybe it will just get easier to stir it into life. Like the yogurt into a squash soup. It’s unbelievable how much my struggle in life resembles my struggle today. There is a lot to learn here. About limitations, about setting goals, about perseverance, about trying and failing, accepting and starting again and again. When I was walking home I realized that our destination is the key. You may get tired, the load you carry is too heavy, you may stop and recharge but eventually you gotta get up and go home. Why don’t we look at goals/dreams the same way? We get lost on the way, we find a comfortable place somewhere and get cozy there. Come on, we’ve lingered enough. Get up, it’s time to go. As Dorothy put it “There’s no place like home”. That being said, I will go back out there to get bitch slapped by the wind and hit by the rain. I won’t say “Let’s see how long it lasts” even though that was my first instinct. Why? Cause that’s just me being a dick to myself and also giving me an easy way out. It’s hard, I’ll probably won’t make it. And then, I get to be right and feel miserable. My whole “almost adult” life my verb has been “trying”. I am always “trying” goddamn it! I’m done trying, I wanna be doing! "Do or do not. There is no try" that green little shit said. Oh, there's a hell-of-a-lot of "try", but I'm done with it!

I’ll tell you all about how the second run will go. I don’t know when that will be, let’s see if I can walk tomorrow :)). Or lift things. Or grab things even. I expect the worse and hope for a pleasant surprise.

Wednesday. The day after the run. I woke up to realize that I can walk! It hurts, but I can move! My left side seems to be more affected than my right one and all of my joints are feeling it. I expected much much worse so now I can consider myself lucky. Ah, the secret to a happy life.

I declared this the day of sitting and writing. 

Breakfast was omlette au fromage with avocado toast and tomatoes. Snack: Spiced milk with nutty bars. Later snack/ lunch: Aubergine on toast again. Dinner: Leftover schnitzel everything. Other dinner: le soup. 

Weather seemed really nice so we got dressed and decided to get a taste of the sun. As we were putting our shoes on, the sun went away. Forever. I try to not take it personal, but some days that's very hard to do. Without the magical effect of this rare beast we call sun, the outside world was really cold and bitchy and nothing like we expected it to be. We reached the corner of our street and decided that this was the opposite of a pleasant walk. The highlight of the day was seeing a poop on a rock. We like to call it "The poop on the rock" day. Why? Cause that's something you don't see everyday! I mean it was a really tall rock! How did the poop get there?! It just makes you wonder: How did the dog do that? Was it a long legged dog? Was it a tiny dog that jumped up there to poop like a king? I mean... I hope it was a dog... We'll never know. That's what makes this one of those great suburban neighborhoods mysteries. Wow, this is good stuff! No, really, I encourage you to read this to your kid as a bedtime story. Give them something to talk about 15 years later in a psychiatrist's office. 

Over and out! 

Thursday. 

All I remember about this day is what I ate and the fact that I made banana bread in a cake shape because it was our housemate's birthday

Summary: Chai flavoured porridge with berries and pecans on top, cashew nuts, soup, slice of bread with butter and cheese, an apple, kebab with salad and a bite of the banana bread covered in sour cream and nutella sauce. That is not a picture of my portion, because mine was tiny and thus a lot less impressive.

Oh, I also had  6 sips of Coca Cola :O. I haven't had that in forever and a day! My stomach totally felt it and disapproved. Coke, ain't nobody missing you! You're out!

Friday. Cleaning day. Garden cleaning day. Friend coming to visit daaaaay! Oh, happy daaay! Sing it with me! Ooooh, haaappy daaay!

It started with leftover chai porridge from the other day. Theeeen, I grabbed two homemade spring-rolls (made the day before) and a kiwi for a in-between cleaning snack. For lunch I had soup and banana bread because omnomnom-no-self-controool. For special late night dinner because friend is coming I made the ultimate cheat pizza. I bought some dough from the Italian place around the corner, made a quick sauce and used whatever meat and cheeses I had in the fridge. The result was a fluffy, juicy pizza with little effort and for a very low cost. Best of all, it gave me a very comfy feeling. Combine that with wine and one of your oldest, dearest friends and you get happiness. Also, he brought a box of tiny booze chocolates! We were well behaved and only ate one piece per person. After all, we were pretty full from the pizza and the banana cake ;). Naughty-naughty.

Saturday was my favorite day in a long time.  We had a purty breakfast, went to yoga and then had brunch. Like fucking adults that wake up early and go to yoga and eat well. We are clearly getting old. Where are the good ol' days when we used to get drunk and eat shawarma at 6 in the morning and then fall asleep on the toilet and fall on the floor?! I'm not saying more. You'll just have to guess which did what. Look at us now downward dogging and sweating the good sweat. I'm so proud I wanna throw up.

Then brunch was a delight. Delight=the whitest word in the whole wide worrrrld (say it with Britney tongue-swirls). Blueberry french-toast with bacon and maple syrup and conversation. Man, I looove good conversation! You cannot buy that shit! Nothing compares to great conversation and brunch! After yoga! That just spells perfection! Everything fell into place. 

The second part of that day was spent eating kebab, getting dressed, going out, drinking gin&tonic in reasonable amounts, eating pizza in very reasonable amounts, then going back home early because I caught a cold again and I felt crappy. Happy wellness state lasted successfully for half a day. I won't take it personally. I won't take it personally. Repeat mantra and go to sleep.

Sunday. Big booty brunch day. I baked a bread, put together a caprese salad (with the milkiest mozzarella I could find), some good cheese, lovely Italian salami and some of that magic garlic&basil butter. You know it was good, I don't have to sell this, this baby sells itself! With this I drank two types of improvised smoothie-juice things: a carrot, apple and ginger one and a grapefruit and mint one. Why so desperate? Because I was sick and it wasn't subtle so I tried my best to help myself.  What followed was a Japanese feast: beef ramen, prawn gyozas and sushi. We took a lot of that to go because we couldn't eat everything at once. We also stopped for donuts. They had an offer we couldn't refuse! Long story short: we bought 12 donuts. Don't worry, we shared them with other people too! Well, kind of. We stuffed our faces while and after watching Bradley Cooper's fine ass in action in the mediocre movie Burnt. 

This is truly the end of this week. You better believe it, cause it's all I've got! Santa's bag is empty! He ate the cookies, he drank the milk and now he's asleep underneath your tree, drunk on life and carbs. Don't worry, Santa, we still love you. Because we understand. Belly wiggle and goodbye! (mic drop)

S02E03 The one with the pizzas

Ladies, get your special panties ready, cause it's gettin' hot in here! We are turning on the oven at maximum capacity and we're getting ready for some steamy action! Why? Because you know what's sexy? Pizza. Smooth, soft dough is sexy. Melted cheese is sexy. Olive oil on the crusty bits is sexy! It's that time of the year when we let loose and celebrate the magic that is pizza.

This particular pizza is the Thai Chicken Pizza from yes, the same episode we seem to be stuck on: "The one with 5 steaks and an eggplant''. I know it was supposed to be teeny tiny, but I couldn't do that to myself. Also, since one does not make pizza everyday and it is sort of an event, I made four instead of one. Now wait a minute Miss Judge-A-Lot ! Before you trash me and my fat appetite, consider the following:

1. I live with two guys. Everybody knows guys like pizza. You can't just play "tease the bear" when it comes to the big dough, daddy. Comas - vewy impowtant.

2. Throughout the series, Friends is bombarded with pizza moments, so instead of making a pizza every-time pizza was mentioned on the show (and we all know that's a LOT), I made one big ass Pizza Feast to rule them all!

Alright, let's cut through the cheese already! I mean the chase, let's cut to the chase. Cheese makes more sense to me, but, whatever, I'll stick to the "classics".

There are many ways to approach the pizza making game, the options are quite overwhelming at times. I went for the barely-knead, leave-overnight-to-get-juicy'n'tasty-on-its-own-method and pre-bake to prevent it getting soggy. Hwhy?!

The hard part when making pizza at home is the struggle in trying to replicate the heat in an wooden oven (aprox. 500 degrees Celsius). A solution to that problem is to go ahead and invest into a pizza stone. I didn't, because I don't need another reason to eat pizza! I'm trying to slim down not puff up! The lil' trick I stole from someone who's already pretty famous on youtube, so I won't mention him cause he doesn't need your views, iiiiiiis the pre-bake way of livin'. That way, you avoid the whole soggy pizza fiasco and you get to live a long, happy life. Well, ok, I'm not sure about those last ones, but the first one is true! I'll prove it!

Things and stuff:

  • fairly big oven tray
  • an oven (duh!)
  • bowls
  • plates
  • measuring cup
  • cling film wrap

It was this big: 4 medium sized pizzas

It took this long:

The dough: 10 min. to bring the dough together, 15 min. to rest, 5 min to shape into a full moon and cut into 4 (in my case) pieces. Theeen 8 to 24 hours in the fridge. You know the drill, you do the math.

The toppings: It depends on the quantity and complexity of the shit you plan to up on it. Just cheese?Cow? Mousse? You're gonna have to spread your wings and fly alone on this one.

Don't be like Killer, don't hang on to your momma's skirt 'till she kicks you into the world! Come on, you know better than that.

Le Dough- Ingredients:

Le Dough- The Process:

Step 1: Get yo' self a mixing bowl. One that can take 400 ml of lukewarm tap water. Stir that together with the yest and the olive oil. Whatever you do, don't add salt here. Salt kills the yeast, it murders it without remorse! They are natural enemies. You know, like Superman and kryptonite.

Step 2: Get a big ass bowl. Combine the 2 flours and the salt. Dig a hole.

Step 3: This needs to happen:

If that's not enough of an explanation, let me try again. Pour the wet stuff (water, oil and yeast mixture) into the dry stuff (flours and salt). Clear enough? Oh, don't forget to yell "Oh, no! My hole!". It just makes better, trust me.

Before I take you to the next step, I need to tell how I fucked up. When I doubled the ingredients in this recipe I forgot to double the water quantity. Moronic, I know. Don't worry, I wrote it correctly for you. And hey, thanks to this mistake you get to see the "how not to" pictures.

Step 4: Start incorporating the thing into the stuff with your hand. Just mix in there round and round until it magically comes together. Don't overdo it, when you have something that looks like a soft dough, stop. Now, the ones in the top I call "The Ugly Face Of Failure". Dry, lumpy and uptight. The ones would read "Look at this dough, this dough is amazing!". The opposite of dry, lumpy and uptight.

Step 5: Cover with a towel and let rest for 15 min. Then transfer from the warm bowl that's been this dough's home onto the cold surface that is real life. It should look like this:

Step 6: Knead for 3 min. I am not a professional kneader, I'm not even close, so I don't really know what to advise on this. Just push it, work it, shaaape that bad boy!

Step 7: Cut into 4 equal pieces and then shape into balls. You can't see the "ball" stage here because I ran out of light. That's what happens when you fuck up the first time and have to re-do everything. Time. Time happens.

Step 8: Place said balls onto slightly floured plates and cover with cling film. Don't make that too tight, stuff is gonna fluff up and expand overnight.

Step 9: Remove from fridge 30 min. before you begin to shape it.

Meanwhile, I prepped the chicken & toppings for the Chicken Thai Pizza. First:

Le Thai chicken- Ingredients:

Normally, I would not buy a sauce in a bag, I'd make my own. But I rrreally didn't feel like it that day. So, I bought an Amoy-pad thai pack of sauce. You don't have to use this brand, they're not paying me.
Step 1: Salt, pepper, grill.

Step 2: Cut it up. You can do smaller bits, but I like it chunky. Yes, I know, that's what she said. Or maybe that's what he said! Keep an open mind, people. Oh, also, don't overcook it. Consider the fact that it's gonna go in a pan with the sauce AND in the oven.

Step 3: Pour your store bought sauce shamelessly into a pan. Let it start to bubble and then slide you poultry bits in there.

Step 4: When sticky enough, stop everything you were doing. You done.

Le Toppings

We're ready for the dough and the dough is ready for us! Look at that plump bootay:

Don't look at the deflated one, it's very self conscious.

Pre-step: Pre-heat your oven. I know I said this in the beginning, but I think you might have thought I was joking. I'm not. Full blast, the hotter the better. Put your oven tray in there, turned upside down. To quote Pitbull (which I never thought I'd say) :"Face down, booty up. Timber" Just kidding about the "timber" part. Whatever that means.

Step 1: Remove the cling film right before using the dough. Don't let them sit there uncovered, it will form a nasty crust and it will never feel young again. Uh, look at the bubbles on that one!

Slowly, don't go band aid style on this one, you're gonna ruin everything. There it is! Free, free at last!

Step 2: Sticky it is, but be gentle, flour your hands and tip it on your surface of choice. 

Step 3: Shape into a full moon. From a wild thing to a well behaved, gentle little creature.

 To get that, you must be gentle. You do not knead it! Not for this version of the recipe. No hardcore stuff in here, just the equivalent of a peck on the cheek. Listen to this while you do it, it will help you understand.

Step 4: Now stretch it. Aim for a round shape. Settle for whatever shape it chooses to be. It's what I did.

I ended up with this:

Step 5: Get that very hot tray out of the oven. Sprinkle semolina on it and try to place your dough there without ripping it. It ain't easy, you wont' make it, but that's oki. Let's focus on what really matters in life. A hole or two in your dough is hardly the end of the world, get over yourself. You need to move pretty fast here, hotness is important. As it is in life, apparently.

Step 6: Get it into the oven. Before closing the door splash a bit of water in there to make it steamy. It will help your dough. And if you can help, why wouldn't you? Why would you be a dick? Wah? Anyway, move fast and trap that in there. Leave for about 8 min. It needs to look kinda like this:

♪ Trrrriiing  trring trrring goes the timer / Ding, ding, ding went the bell /Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings/ From the moment I smelled it I fell .♪

From here on we're playing games. First you sauce it, then you you put stuff on it, then you stick it back in the oven for like 5 min or until your eyesight says " Yo, it's ready, don't burn this shit!". For the Thai Chicken one I used the sauce that didn't stick to the chicken and smeared it allover that sexy motherfucker. 

Whoaaaa, I smell pizza... It's my pizza! Omg, I made pizza!

For the second pizza I went with classic tomato sauce, mozzarella, pancetta bits and basil. 

Slapped it with some fresh Parmesan after getting out of the oven but before getting it into my mouth.

The third one was a Carbonara inspired pizza.I say inspired cause I covered that beautiful bitch in gorgonzola. Sauce was some blue cheese sauce I had from the night before when I ate spicy wings. Greek yogurt, blue cheese, some pepper. Really basic and lazy. Topped that with pancetta strips, gorgonzola, egg.

Ready for some heat!

The fourth and last pizza was a pepperoni and mushrooms one. Rosemary and chilli pepper here and there. All you kneed to know. 

Feedback: This is by far the best pizza dough I've ever made. The almost no kneading is great, the overnight method gets you a really tasty dough and the pre-bake trick works wonders. It was my first time eating and making Thai Chicken pizza. I gotta say I didn't expect much, so I wasn't disappointing. It's hearty but fresh at the same time, so I'm kinda sold. Of I had to pick one, though, it would have to be the Carbonara-Gorgonzola hybrid. Mmm...moldy love with a sunshine in the middle. Pizza, I love you. Please come back to me! I need your sauce and your warmth to make me whole again!

If anyone knows a good Pizza Support Group, please let me know. 

C.O.A.E.E.(Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 7

This week flew by fast and painfully. My kind of week. I caught a cold, people! A real one this time, not just a tease. Boy, was I happy! I am always looking forward for more obstacles to come my way and slow me down and piss me off! On top of that, I hurt my hand. It started like a small pain in the morning, next thing I know I can't even chop a damn onion because of the damn pain! Worst thing is I have no idea why it hurt or what I did to cause that. No hand stuff, promise! Well, not with my left one, anyway. I managed to stay balanced and pretty happy in the food department, but I had to postpone yoga (because of the wrist) and running (because of the cold).

Monday. Baked eggs in avocados with bacon and salsa.

Snack: one clementine. If you don't know what they are, you have lived in vain. No, I don't have a picture. Google it.

Lunch was the last of the Minestrone soup that was such a life saver and that I have mentioned a LOT!

Snack: Clementine time! They are strong on the vitamin C, you guys. I need loads of that shit!

Dinner was stuffed aubergine and couscous. Lots of veggies in this one and really tasty!

Snack: You know what happened. Come on, there's no point in spelling it out! I'm having a clementine love affair! I'm turning orange, oh nooooo!

The ultimate snack/dessert/post dinner treat/pre-sleep meal : the last piece of the cheesecake. I ate it without the crust. I hate those nuts man. I'm going back to black. Black is evil. Biscuits are evil. See what I did there? Huh? Huuuuh?!

Also, I <3 Jamie Foxx. He is so goddam talented, I can't handle it! Hot sauce in my bag, swag!!! Those lyrics were written for him! I'll have it no other way!

Tuesday. Morning. Ish. Let's call this brunch. I experimented with flour-less pancakes. Eggs, bananas, ricotta cheese, almond meal, vanilla, honey and bicarbonate of soda. A dollop of yogurt, a bit of sour cherry homemade preserve and a bit of passion fruit at the end. Look , they're tasty, really. Thing is I can't help but feel disappointed. They look like pancakes, they almost act like pancakes but they are not pancakes. It's like...La Usurpadoraaaaa! :O If the theme song doesn't automatically start singing in your head then you an I have had very different childhoods. I choose to not feel ashamed of my obscure references from the fascinating world of Mexican telenovelas, so yooooou can suck it!

They were kinda fluffy, more moist than a normal pancake would be, a lot harder to handle when flipping your shit than a regular flour pancake. I am, of course, talking about the "pancakes" and not the telenovelas.The thing is like this: I do not eat pancakes every day, so when I do eat pancakes I want them to be real fucking pancakes. I will try wholemeal flour next time, but that's the last compromise I am willing to make. That, and substituting sugar with honey. Because honey rocks. Signed, Bear.

Lunch was leftover stuffed aubergine and cous cous with the addition of an egg.

Dinner was chicken and noodle hope-it-cures-everything soup.

Wednesday. I planned on having an omelette du fromage, but I only had one egg left, so I went for the next best thing: Semolina and milk "pudding" with orange slices and some sour cherry magic on top. Cause I felt miserable and I wanted a hug in a bowl with cherries on top! Hug me, foood, HUG MEEEE!

Lunch was soup.

Other lunch was wholemeal and rye bread (homemade and delicious!), aubergine spread, ham, cheese and salad.

Dinner. Chicken, cream, leeks, parsnip, carrots, asparagus- The White Stew. Yup, that's what I call it. No, your eyes are not deceiving you, that is polenta.

Snack? One bite of Toblerone. No more. Didn't want any. Now, that felt weird.

Thursday. On-the-run-half-sandwich. Oh, the joy of eating on the road! When did that go out of style?!

Snack was a banana.

Lunch was some of that White Stew I was telling you about.

Snack- pear. Lovely pear!

Dinner was soup. Again. Cause nobody is in the mood to cook when they're sick.

Snack? Slice of bread, aubergine thang, tomatoes.

Yeah, I didn't eat too much, I was too busy being sick! Still sick! Always sick! Forever and ever and ever!

Friday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually sicker! Who would have thought?! After the bath and the pills, and the soup and the tea and the ginger honey AND the sleep, I was actually much worse! That's just a slap in the face, really.

Breakfats (it started as a spelling mistake, but now it makes sense) was leftover semolina pudding with stuff on.

And then this happened:

From left to right we have: magnesium, cinnamon tea, coldrex (blueberry edition) and The Gouda in the middle. You might be wondering why The Gouda? Gouda was there because I find coldrex so utterly disgusting that it makes me puke. After every sip, I take a gouda bite to push back the vomit. Also, because Gouda is the female version of a hustler.

Lunch was not one, but 2 bowls of soup. Yeah, I was trying rrreally hard.

Despite my horrible state and the absolutely dreadful irish weather I had a gal meeting with some gals. Social life is something you work for when you're an expat, so I got off my sick ass and went. I drank a lot of tea and ate half of a mediocre, dry and too sweet piece of cake.

Dinner was chicken at Nando's ! My very first time there! These guys really know their chicken! And their mashed potato is a surprise, it doesn't look like much, but then you put it in your mouth and it's so fluffy and buttery! I think they bake their potatoes instead of boiling them, like we, simpletons do.

Snack? Pistachios, clementine, Nurofen. Yay, let's party.

Saturday. Wrecked.

Spiced milk. Le Pecan. Looney Toones.

Lunch. Frittata with loads of veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, pepper, kale) with garlic bread and avocado and tomato guacamole thing. AAAAAH, gaaaarlic breeeaaad! Insert heavy breathing here.

Note: 3 people shared that bread, so don't go assuming things.

Dinner. Salmon, mashed potatoes, veggies and salad.

Late night snack: Bread, butter, cheese. Clementine.

Sunday. Poppadom with cream cheese and porchetta, frittata and radishes.

Then, I made bread, and apple-pear crumble with wholemeal flour, pecan nuts and no sugar.Yes, I used the Oxford comma right there. In yo' face! Booyah!

Note to self: must remember the ginger in the combo, this was surprisingly yummy, a lot more there than meets the eye.

Lunch. Thank God for frittata! You make it once and it keeps on giving!

Dinner was carbonara.

No asking why, please, it's obvious. That stuff is delicious! The one thing we are having in mind is the old portion control. When it comes to pasta, if you go loosy-goosy on the quantity, your ass goes loosy-goosy too. Ain't nobody gonna be happy about that!

Ladies, fellas, this has been my week. Balance is just around the corner, I can almost smell it!

C.O.A.E.E.(Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 6

Last Sunday I decided that I'm going to start the week better no matter how bad I feel. And I did feel bad. Why? Because period pains are real pains, people! And they make women be meaner to you once a month, every month!

Sometimes it's the pain, sometimes it's you. Remember that, stop escaping responsibility! Strap on a pair and be a better person! I know you didn't ask for this advice, I gave it to you anyway. You're welcome! For more such wise answers to your daily suffering, send an email at gogocherieanswersyourshit@gmail.com and you will receive an answer. Sooner or later. I am pretty busy trying to get my own shit together.

In order to achieve that I made myself plan the week ahead. I creatively called it The Meal Plan and I picked recipes for every meal and then I shopped, to make sticking to the list possible. I also thought about replacing the sugary crap in my house with better snacks, so that I can get some sweetness in my bowl, but have it be the less evil one. I have decided honey is my friend. And yes, I know, what you'll say! Sugar is sugar and it doesn't make a difference, it's all evil. My policy? If it's good enough for the bears it's good enough for me! I'm going on a bear diet! Honey, berries, nuts and fish! Chill, I'm kidding, I'm trying to find balance not start another fad diet. There are plenty of those! That being said, lemme walk through my week.

Monday. Pre-breakfast: greek yogurt, a banana, nuts that I've been keeping in a honey jar and a splash of lime. Exactly one hour and 30 min later I was as hungry as Trump is to sit in the damn presidential chair! Proper breakfast: Baked eggs&feta in a lovely tomato sauce. On my way back from work I ate pistachios on the street, cause I'm a trendsetter. When I reached home base I had a big ass bowl of heart warming minestrone soup. Dinner was baked salmon with sweet peas and mashed veg (potato, carrots, swede). That night I experimented with peanut butter&oats cookies. There were good when fresh outta the oven, but the second day, they turned very bready on me. That got me thinking that I could turn this "failed cookie" recipe into a "successful tiny breads" recipe. I'll keep at it, I'll let the world know if I hit gold.

Tuesday started off with Jamie's blooming breakfast, which I love! Toasted oats, dollop of yogurt, mango, hot syrupy blueberries and half a banana. Lunch was minestrone. I successfully snacked on peanut butter failed cookies and white chocolate, mint&orange zest covered almonds. They don't look at good as they taste, I'll tell you that! One lunch wasn't enough, so I had another one in the form of leftover baked egg and feta with spinach salad and a poppadom. What is a poppadom you ask? Why, it's a magical thing! Papadum is a thin, crisp disc-shaped food typically made from black chickpea gram flour! It's usually deep fried, but thanks to the magic of internet and Mr.Oliver I am microwaving these lil' bitches and I'm loving them! It's like eating a big ass potato crisp! It smells fried even if it isn't, it's crispy and tasty and ready for love!

I also ate half a mango and pistachios. Then for dinner: chicken&squash cacciatore.

Oh, and I made bread. Wholemeal & rye flour, oats,buttermilk, egg and bicarbonate of soda. No proving, no kneading. Stir it, shape it, babe! 40 min in the oven and you have fresh bread! And it's a very tasty bread! Farewell, bought bread! Hello, sexy bread maker!

Wednesday was definitely a good day. It began with eggs and popped beans with ricotta toast. Add pomegranate&lime water to that and we're feeling fancy! It was a great way to start the day, I'll tell you that! Aaaaand it kept me going for a while! Lunch was a ricotta poppadom with salad. Dinner was sushi (does happy dance and drools all over keyboard). I also had a chai latte that was waaaay to sugary for my taste! Must remember to mention that I don't want diabetes in a mug, just the tea for now, thank you!

Thursday was bircher muesli day. Well, not all day, just in the beginning of the day. Then I ate 2 peanut butter oats cookies on my way back from work. I was so surprisingly full, that I just snacked on some white chocolate almonds and parked my ass in bed. I dived into some minestrone at some point, then had a sandwich and a salad for dinner. Why? Because I was making cheesecake! Why? What kind of question is that?!

Theeen me and my boyfriend spend 3 hours project managing my life. Fo' reals. So, naturally, somewhere along the way we got hungry again so we soup-ed. Minestrone again. Hey, it's there, it's easy, you know soup is the answer!

On Friday I repeated Wednesday's breakfast, because I had some leftover popped beans and tomatoes. After work times, which were very short, I come home to find a new mattress on our bed! Yaaay, a chance at a better life! Nooo, I'm not exaggerating, stop judging me, you hardly even know meeeeee!

This was also the day my running shoes arrived. First impression? Man, they're ugly! But, sweet chocolate Jesus, are the comfy! All that padding to correct my faulty walking makes it feel like I'm supported! A lot of cushion for the pushin'! Yes, I know what that means. Do you know what that means? I feel it suits my situation perfectly, so I'm using it here and if your mind wants to wonder around in naughty places, that's all on you, child! Don't be blaming me for your rightfully dirty mind! ;)

Lunch was grilled chicken tenders with zucchinies, peppers& onions that I tossed with garlic olive oil and crumbled feta and parmesan. Yum! We ate that with a big salad with and it was goood! Dinner was the chicken cacciatore thang with poppadom.

See that lil' bit of cheesecake right there? Lemme tell you the story. Girl dreams of cheesecake for months and months. Girl resists temptation until she can't no longer. Girl decided cheesecake is not that bad and she can make a better version by replacing the white dust of the evil man with the golden drip of the gods and the biscuit base with hazelnuts and almond meal/flour. On top she put a mixture of sour cream and whipping cream that she worked on with her hands. For a while, then she got tired and called Mr.Two Speeds to come on over and help. She then added some Bailey's to that creamy thing, to get things nice and smooth and ssexy. Then she grabbed strawberries, she cut them right up and put them in a small pan to sweat their sweet off. All they needed was a tiny drip of water to start that sauna of love and they were on their way! When they were nice and soft and they were dripping hot, red, sticky syrup, I added the raspberries and the blueberries. I mixed them gently, just enough to get them coated in the juice and then it was all done. The green stuff is basil, cause that's how I roll.

Ultimate feedback? The cheesy part was just as good without the sugar. The crust part? I can't deal with the nuts, man. It's just not the same. I'll ponder if the exchange if actually worth it. I'm currently leaning towards "no".

Saturday. The good day! I woke up at 9:30, had toasted oats with yogurt and fruit, grabbed my yoga mat and went to a studio for the first time in forever! This place was recommended to me, was closer by than city center and I was in desperate need for a place, so hopes were high. It was everything I needed it to be. The first time in a long time that I felt at peace! It was hard work, but it came with the feeling that I was up for it, that I could handle it if I just focus and take it step by step. That's why I need yoga, so that I can learn to take that feeling outside the studio, off the yoga mat and into the wild wild world. Monthly pass, here I come!

One of the greatest feelings was getting out that door - body all worked up - and being wrapped up crisp, fresh air! The area is filled with big, tall trees and has a cosy small village feel to it. Man,that's wellness right there! I felt alive, alive I tell ya'!

Then my new found friend, who recommended the place and was also there invited me for tea in the village center. Tea, honey, eggs benedict (too much lemon in the hollandaise sauce, had to be said) and good conversation. What more can one ask for?

I got home at one point, had to edit some pictures and get ready for the movies and dancing. I haven't danced in a while! In the good old days, I danced almost every week. Things have certainly changed a lot since then. In those days I would almost always wear this one pair of shorts. The last time I tried them I think it was autumn time and I thought they made my legs look like short tree trunks, so I decided against wearing them. This time I had another surprise. They were falling off of me! Whaaaat? And they were very loose on my thighs as well!  Well, what do you know? The trunks got smaller!

 I was running out of time and I didn't expect to have to decide on wearing something else, so instead of changing I took one of my big ass bow shaped broaches and changed the position of one button and prayed to the Buddha it would hold! Cause if they fall it's a full moon in Dublin tonight, boys! 

On the way to the movies we had a Subway sandwich, cause it was late, we were hungry and I refuse to eat a ratchet cinema hot dog! Ate sandwich on the street, like an animal!

Dinner was Korean barbecue and sushi! Also, plum wine liquor which I loooove!  

Then we danced. I had 2 vodka & cranberry juice and water. And and eye full of drunken, irresponsible, ungraceful homies and bitches. And I say that with all due respect.

Needles to say, Sunday was a wake up whenever the fuck you want" kind of day. I woke up with all the muscle pain in the world! I couldn't even lift my tea mug to my mouth without exhaling in pain! Wtf?! I think I wasn't as ready for the yoga jelly as I seemed! My mind was strong but my body was weak. Now I suffer the consequences. 

"Breakfast"? Cheescake. Lunch? Chicken cacciatore with poppadom. Dinner? Kebab with homemade big ass salad. #saynotothefries

Enough talking, I need to post this fast if I wanna have a chance at sticking with a freaking schedule! It's gonna be a bumpy ride next week! Body has no idea I plan to take it on a yoga and running roller-coaster! Hoooray, I finally had a less unhappy week!

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 5

This weeks motto was "And when you think it can't get worse, it totally does!"

My back pain was acting up, I had a cold and a stiff fockin' neck and I kept remembering my dad and dreaming of him being in pain and dying all over again. So, all in all, not the best week. But, hey, not the worst either! Come on, stop feeling sorry for me! I'm definitely trying to! I'll walk you through what I ate real fast and then I'll tell what I learnt from this terrible week.

Here we go:

Monday morning I ate this. This, ladies and gents is Le Pecan. We love Le Pecan, unfortunately. Its crispy outside, the gooey-jammy center, the pecan nuts here and there...What's not to love, right?

Then, before a lil' bit o' work I ate a sandwich. Hey, it had peppers on the side, so it wasn't that bad.

That day I Lidl-ed. Yes, I use it as a verb now, deal with it. It was Polish week. I bought kabanos sausages, horseradish sauce in a jar and kaizer/Polish bacon. This bacon is just like the Romanian one and it is superior to any other bacon in the world! Yes, I said it and I meant it! I also bought wafers! I saw them sitting there all alone and lovely. Reminded me of the ones I used to eat when I was little, when life was simple and I still had a dad. Yes, that's the fucked up train of thought that lead to me buying them.

I got home and ate Hungarian goulash. Made by me, a Romanian. With a backpack full of Polish groceries. What can I say? I love my eastern European shit !

Waffle waffle, stay in bed, feel all crappy, sick and sad!

This right here is a grilled chicken kebab that I ate in bed while watching That 70's Show. Glorious. Simply glorious, I know.

Tuesday I forced my ass out of bed, because the house felt like chaos and I had to clean it. I hate being sick in a dirty house. I started lazily with awesome Romanian treats from Romanian's friends mom: cornulete cu rahat! Crumbly dough and bits of soft and chewy turkish delight. Alongside that, I tried a black tea flavored milk with chai spices. Since I can't have to proper thing cause I get dizzy and shit, this was a nice trick.

So, 11:17 this:

12:15 One and a half slices of bread with aubergine spread and tomatoes.

14:13 Carrot and ginger soup.

15:47 Goulash. That stuff just gets better and better.

21:00 Goulash. Again. I had some leftovers and I was lazy. What? Oh, shut up!

21:20 Had some cream cheese&cocoa frosting from the whole cake project and I thought "Hey, there's something very wrong I can do!" Took two bites and felt sick and dizzy, so I threw it away.

23:00 Cleaning done. Shower done. Sandwich and tea and pills. Chill.

Wednesday

11:35 Omelette, toast, porchetta, peppers and tomatoes.

13:00 Chocolate biscuit cake. Romanian made. Good stuff, man, really good stuff!

16:10 Mashed potato&carrot with stuffed chicken breast and peas.

20:00 Polenta. Sausage. Cheese. Heavy on the Romanian stuff this week! Tummy felt heavy and fat.

Thursday was a real low point. Woke up after a nasty dream. Cried a bit, I ain't gonna lie. Felt exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Can't fucking catch a break. Rolled my sad ass out of bed and into the kitchen because lalalalala life goes on.

By lunch time, whatever the fuck that means, I felt hungry but also nauseous so I was confused. And hungry. And sad. I started watching some Beyonce because I needed some life force, some girl power, some motivation. It then occurred to me that I felt like eating pasta with something very light, like 2 flavours and lots of lovin'. I went for spaghetti with ricotta cheese and lemon. Topped with basil and parmesan. It was nice.

After that, I gave up. I went upstairs into the bedroom that now had 2 beds. Why? Because we sleep like shit in the first one. We're trying out another one. We're exchanging mattresses and surfaces and all that jazz so that maybe, just maybe I could get a fucking good night sleep. I'll still have the nightmares, sure, but maybe I won't wake up because of the back pain anymore. That way I can have longer nightmares that I can at least turn into movies/books later on, when my career will blossom from nothingness into something. And then I'll die. Where was I? Ah, yes. So, I picked a bed and sat there, eating white chocolate, grapes and chocolate wafers, watching Beyonce and Golden Girls. No, I'm not kidding. I'm a hot mess, baby. Come and get it.

I had a bath, thinking that would help with the cold thing and the "relax for fuck sake!" thing. Instead, I got all hot and dizzy, things turned black and I seemed to have lost my hearing for like a minute or so. I landed back in bed and stayed there for a while. At some point, I made myself a frozen pizza and a hot tea. Everything I eat, I eat in bed today. That is it.

I decided I need an outlet. I need yoga. I will start running. I will go dancing. To deal, to forget, to accept. I need to help myself, nobody else can't do that for me. Sorry to bum you guys out, but sometimes things just suck. Sometimes you fall into a big fucking dark hole and it's hard to climb back. Especially with weak knees and a plump booty. Don't worry, I'll rise up! Slowly and maybe not gracefully, but the end result is what matters here!

Friday. Overnight oats with grated apples. Bad combo. Don't do it. Just don't, it's a disappointment waiting to happen. Ate half in disgust.

11:44 Sandwich. Tea.

14:12 Cabbage and bacon stew with polenta.

19:30 Spicy wings with sweet roasted potatoes and blue cheese sauce. Yup, we done fucked up. Delicious fuck up,though.

It was dirty, saucy, spicy and all over the place. Juuuuuuicy!

Nutella on a stick, man! Half for me, half for lover boy. With warm milk, of course! Because that's sssexy (Sssylvester ssssexy)

Saturday I woke up at 12:00. Wtf happened there?! No ideea...I guess I was tired. I don't know what's going on. I'd freak out, but I'm too exhausted.

12:20 Slice of bread, salami, butter, tea. Real old school cafeteria-like food. The Cafeteria Of The Poor and Depressed.

16:00 Le Raisin. With milk. Behind it you can see a failed dough that was supposed to become something but instead failed at life. Hey, just like me!

18:00 Leftover sssufferin' succotash wings with broccoli. Remember that dough that didn't become what she wanted to? I stuck it in the oven just to see what happens. Poured some olive oil on it, salt and pepper. Got something between a flat bread and a huge ass grissini. No, I'm definitely not projecting. 

12:30 Cabbage stew with polenta. Why then? Because that's when we were hungry. And because we're just plain stupid.

Sunday was Pizza Day. You'll read all about that on The Friends Food Challenge. Shh, no spoilers!

Oh, and this:

Ooops, I did it again!

Yeah. And this:

Le Pecan undercover as Le Raisin! 

And that, boys and girls is my Semana Terrible right here. That's Spanish for "I fucked up and I blame life, because it's unfair and hard!". I promised myself to try and help myself and I'll eat better this week and once my running shoes appear, by the magical ways of home delivery, I'll get the party started. Hope I don't fall on my face! Fingers crossed! 

S02E02 The one with the grilled prawns

We continue the saga with the following recipe from "The one with 5 steaks and an eggplant". I won't talk much on this one. I promise! Cross my buns and hope to die! Today's recipe is Grilled Prawns! Dip those bad boys in garlic mayo and lick your fingers, honey! Let's get dirty!

You don't need much, you don't even need to know much for this one! You need to have a willingness to get freaky with it and a love for le prawn. Hm, le prawn kinda sounds like Lebron, just less succesful in the basketball world. Anyway, if you checked both those boxes, get on that horse, baby! Let's ride! In the spirit of adventure, I decided to keep the prawns whole: coat, heads and all! Not for the faint-hearted, though!

Things and stuff:

  • a grill/a grilling pan
  • a big bowl

It was this big:

  • 1 kg of prawns

It took this long:

  • aprox. 20 min.

Ingredients:

The Process:

Le Rosemary Salt

One and only step: Rosemary, lemon peel (without the white stuff) and salt. Blitz, baby, blitz!

Taa-daaaaa:

Le Chilli Oil:

One and only step: Just mix olive oil with chilli flakes.

Le Garlic Mayo:

Step 1: You put the egg gently at the bottom of an immersion blender bowl/thing.

Step 2: You sprinkle some salt and squeeze some lemon juice on it. 

Step 3: Then slowly lower the immersion blender enveloping the yolk.

Step 4: Pour a bunch of sunflower oil. This is the lubricant for your love mayo. Keep the blender perfectly still (very important to keep it still at this stage) and turn it on to low. Almost immediatly you should see streams of mayo forming underneath the oil. 

Step 5: Turn the blender to high and keep going until you stop seeing any changes. Start moving the blender up and down and tilting it slightly to the side to get more lube/oil into the mix.Keep doing this until it's all mayo. I think we've all learned a lot from this.

Le Prawns

Step 1:  Take your big ass bowl of choice, fill it with prawns, throw the rosemary salt and the chilli oil all over it and then mix until every prawn is lusciously coated in  goodness.

Step 2: Put your grill pan on the hot hot flame and let it get hot. Then get the prawns in there and watch the smoky madness begin.

Step 3: Uhm, you're done. Repeat until the prawns come to an end.

Yes, that's a whole lotta' prawn lovin' goin' on!

Dip it, swirl, lift it, babe! Aaaah, it's coming right at you! Open wide!

This is the end my friends, we truly thought the prawns would never end.

Feedback:

Easy to make, hard to eat. It's dirty work and you're left with fingers that smell of prawns forever. Well, a day or so, but seems like forever. It's quite therapeutic to eat something so damn slowly. It's a good lesson in patience, and I always need one of those. What really felt wrong was eating this in Dublin weather. Clearly, my ass should have been on a sandy beach, waves in my ears, sun in my eyes, prawns in my mouth. That's just how it should be.  

Peace out, lovelies! Until the next one, happy eating!

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 4

Or the "Trainwreck" Week. Yes, it was worse than the week before. Much, much worse. I spiraled out of control, people! This week felt like a long day. No beginning, no end in sight and a lot of crap eating in between. I present to you the longest day or the shortest week, pick your favorite. Don't expect exact time, or day, or anything. Just don't expect anything.

Everything started with a sandwich. A sandwich and a pepper.

This here is a whatever quesadilla. Whatever I found here and there I put inside and covered in cheese. Eat with salad.

Then I ate some cereals because the craving and it didn't stop until I put my face into the damn milk and sugar concoction of doom.

And then I wake up and it's Pancake Day! Well, what's a girl to do?

A mountain of pancakes. To cover in cream and maple syrup and pears in rum. Share with boyfriend. Pancake days are the best days.

Yo, you need some veggies up in this biatch!

Then I had soup and a sandwich filled with leftover veggies and an egg from earlier.

Overnight oats with banana and almonds and raisins and stuff. Uh, pears on top!

Lalalalalalaaaaa, cabbage power! With sausage and polenta.

Aaaand theeeen we went into the city to see Deadpool and eat donuts at McDonald's. Hey, it rhymes! The donuts were not from McDonald's. I bought them across the street, from the tiny box-shaped shop outside of the casino. They have the best donuts!

I ate 3! 3 donuts in one sitting?! Oh, Lord, I've lost the ability to give fucks!

Oh, and McDonald's. Something with bacon on top and guilt. Oh, the smell of giving up on yourself!

Once upon a time there was this house I cleaned once in a while. Inside this house lived two lovely people and a dog. The dog's name is Bounty. Because he is white and flaky. Very coconut looking. After looking at him for almost 2 hours I had to do this. The craving was real.

Carrot and ginger soup with toast and basil&garlic butter.

Tuna spaghetti with ricotta on top.

Pasta- the more you eat, the more you want.

Bread. Ricotta. Prosciuto. Spinach.

Eggs on wilted spinach, toast with prosciuto, gruyere and a bit of pepper.

Grapefruit!

Sandwiches happened. I ain't gonna lie. No point.

Since I worked and I had 2 cakes to bake and I was tired as fuck, I went for frozen pizza. No work involved, no dishes to wash. Just fast and easy. And wrong. I know! You don't have to shout it at me!

Le "Omg, this egg white omelet really shrunk!". Let us compensate with guacamole and tomato salad, mortadela and cheese. Grapefruit and mango on the horizon.

Ricotta on toast with sour cherry preserve. Homemade. Heaven. Sugar. Death. Lost. Forever.

Stuffed chicken (spinach&mozarella) wrapped in pancetta. Ate with roasted veggies (from a bag, cause I got frosting to make!).

Later that day, bread with aubergine salad. Oh, the love!

What followed was a crazy feast of cakes and tortillas and frozen pizzas. Pour rom&coke and Hungarian palinca all over that and you got a wonderful disaster. Party like you're 20, even though you're definitely not 20 anymore. I am in need of some serious counselling.

Woke up to cake. No picture available. But it happened. Oh, it happened.

Then we went and ate mexican food from a truck! Best thing ever! Huevos rancheros and burrito!

Don't forget the movie hotdog! It was all sorts of bad. Congratulations! You magically transformed into a pig!

We ended it all with soup and aubergine salad on toast.

Whoa, what a day/week. I'm miles away from getting my shit together. Balance, where the fuck are you? I'm alone in the dark, you bitch! Looking for you!!!! Stop hiding! Show yourself, you cunt!

C.O.A.E.E (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater)- Week 3

I like to call this week "The happy pig" week. Because I ate like a pig at times and I felt happy. At times.

Monday

Monday started real classy with a late breakfast of Prosciuto&melone. Before leaving for work, I realized I'm gonna need something else in my tummy to keep me going, so I buttered a piece of toast, put cheese on it and enjoyed it.

Got a Fit Bit bracelet that I tried for the first time, was happy to see that my working days are indeed quite active days. Gave me a sort of motivation to spike that heartbeat more and give that thing more steps to count.

Late lunch was a delight! Baked feta in tomato sauce with pita and a salad. It tasted better than it looks. Believe me! And it's one of those simple things that are just so cosy and joyful when you put them in your mouth. Yes, yes, McWhoree, we all get what you mean. Move it along now.

At 20:00 I started looking at the time and documenting my battle. At 20:00 biscuits thoughts began appearing. I imagined them floating around and meeting a chunky piece of cinnabon ice cream! I saw them creating the perfect ice cream sandwich, right there, in the air. Like magic it was! Black magic.

At 20:40 I eat soup to smother the dirty thoughts and help the hunger and the cold.

At 21:01 Biscuit thoughts are vultures, man. They wait and wait and when you're at you're at your weakest they come for your ass! I must have had a biscuit and then blacked out because of the unique combo of headache, cold, chocolate biscuit, guilt and self loathing.

At 22:59 (exactly!) I was sitting in my chair with a sandwich and a mug of hot cocoa. Cause I was hungry, sick and I needed comfort. As usual in these situations I turn into a child, I want a hot sandwich, my cocoa, my fluffy blanket and cartoons/series. Oh, what an impressive grownup little girl I managed to "become". #proud :|

Around 2 am I went to sleep land. Buh-bye, world!

Tuesday

Breakfast time is around 11. Ham and haloumi omlette. HHO. HoHoOo! With piece of toast and tomatoes.

13:09 Le biscuit crave strikes again!

15:29 Oh, no, feeling hungry. Darling, what ever shall we do?

15:40 Ate almonds. My brilliant response to hunger.

15:45 Yoga Camp, day 3.

17:10 Lunch. Pasta with leftover tomatoes and feta from the day before cleverly combined with leftover prawns and newly chopped zucchini. Ate half. Saved other half for later. Cause I know myself. I know what's gonna happen.

17:23 I have decided to eat ALL the biscuits! Today. And drink wine. It is imperative that I do so. Apparently.

17:40 Let the madness begin! Or not? I am afraid. 13 biscuits, baby. That's a scary number. I call this the Biscuit Tower Challenge. Let the games begin!

17:42 Headache persists. Chocolate and wine is pretty much one of the worst things I could do right now. Hmm...I think I'm gonna do it anyway. Rationality didn't stand a chance. May the odds be ever in your favor!

17:44 One down. 12 to go.

17:54 Very sleepy. Like stoned levels of sleepy. I blame carbs. My favorite drug <3

17:55 Second biscuit!

18:45 Third. On a roll, no self control!

20:40 The other half of the pasta.

23:40 Forth and last biscuit. I win! Kinda.

01:20 Falling asleep. Good night, you crazy carb craving world!

Wednesday

9:30 Woke up.

10:40 Stayed in bed, summoning the courage to start yet another day.

You ungrateful little bitch! Boohoo, I get to live another day! Poor lil'ol'me! I make myself sick.

11:25 Breakfast. Jamie's brilliant bloomin 'breakfast. Toasted oats, yogurt, fruits and stuff. 

Fennel seeds with oats is awesome! Jamie, you brilliant bastard!

13:00 Thirsty but busy :|

13:28 *Decides to stop being stupid and drink some fucking water* 

13:29 *Eats almonds while she's at it*

13:30 I celebrate my 3 day headache by looking myself in the mirror with pity and a bit of disgust. Best celebration ever! Now get back to that screen that gives you the bloody headache in the first place.

13:56 I'm hungry! And not happy about it! Let make something that resembles real food and fill that hole with it! Fast!

14:50 Quinoa-semi fail-tortillas, porchetta, goacamole, parmesan, feta, peppers.

16:25 Sick of having to sit. Paaaaain from computer. Evil things...me..sad..cannot use wordS anymore. Just sounds! AAAAAAH! I want something sweet in my bowl to cover up the sad.

16:35 Took a break from it all. On my way to the couch I see...THE ENEMY! Last night comes flashing back! I look the tower of biscuits in the Sauron imagined eye ball, I grab them and dump those bastards into the garbage! Enough with the torment! Be gone!

I start writing again, I'm hungry but I postpone eating while writing about how wrong it is to postpone eating. Hypocrite much? Stupid much? Stubborn much?! A bit of everything.

18:35 I continue my suffering because I can't control myself. I eat almonds. Hooray! Good for me. I'll eat sarcasm for dinner!

19:36 I end it all. With cheat pizza. Pizza on flat-bread. Now, that was a seriously delicious flat ass with stuff on top!

22:16 Had two slices of pizza left, I got hungry and ate those. Sue me!

00:00 Sleep. I try to sleep.

Thursday

9:00 I'm alive, Jesus! I'm alive!

9:55 Breakfast was another variation on Jamie's breakfast. Why? Because I enjoy it and it fills me up and I feel quite alive after eating that.

14:20 Then, after work, I ate leftover quesadilla on a bench in the park. Like a homeless lady. Except I have a home.

Got home. Rested, watched That 70's Show and ate an alfajor. An alfawhore. Wink fucking wink!

My phat cat judged my phat decision. He looks like he doesn't approve of my life choices. I've even managed to disappoint the cat. New record! 

17:50 Lunch? Dinner? In between meal to compensate the "lunch on the bench" experience? Who the fuck knows? Does anyone care at this point? No! Here is a picture of my chicken and veg. Carrots, parsnip, peppers, mushrooms and that's all I can remember. Was tasty, though.

20:30 Ice cream. I don't know why!!! Just...don't ask. Fuck it.

22:35 Dumplings&chicken soup. Peace out!

Friday

8:27 Woke up. Early day today. I hate being a grown up.

9:20 Breakfast. Fast. Move fast! Come oooon! Slice of bread+salami+cheese+pepper. Breaaaathe! Rice cake+peanut butter+yogurt+honey+cinnamon. Ruuuun!

12:20 Went to the store on my way back home. Bought milk, mozzarella, protein bars. Gave into temptation and took home a lil'ol' orphaned pastry delight. Realized it's been months since I last had one. And, man, I used to eat a lot of those babies! Not real babies. Read again. Don't freak out. I am not eating orphaned babies. I have 99 problems, but, you know, that ain't one.

Thanks to this pastry apparition, I observed (once more) how fucked up my brain is. Yaaaay! 

I'll walk you through it. The minute I saw that, I imagined myself enjoying that with a cup of warm milk, in bed, watching something mindless. Then it hit me that I felt entitled to that "fix" because I was sick, and I feel I deserve any help I can get. Here's a little conversation that happened in my head:

  • Oh, these things! I love these things! I soo want one!
  • No, no, it's wrong. Don't do it!
  • On the other hand, it's been so long since I pastry in my mouth. Can't even remember the last time!
  • I know! It was months ago!
  • No, I shouldn't...
  • Oh, poor you! Having to resist this when you're sick! On top of everything! You already had to wake up early and work and walk and face the world...
  • Yeah! You deserve this! Take it! You'll make a whole moment out of it. Stay in bed, hot cup of milk, warm delicious pastry, watch something and just..be. Uh, imagine the comfort!

Yup, that's how it works. Now you know.

13:31 Bed. Cat. Jamie's book. Reading about a balanced plate and a balanced life. Protein bar. Pills. Bears. Sniff sniff.

Somehow, I ate some nuts and then it was night time. Boyfriend came back from London. Smuggled brownie for me! Awww! The greatest love of all! Sing it, Whitney!

 20:00 Dinner. Grilled chicken and roasted veggies with cheese.

23:00 The pastry thing and the brownie! Hey, I know, let's be bad and eat them now! You know it's the worst possible time to do that, so, let's go for it!

01:00 Nighty night, you sinners! 

Saturday


The Ikea day. You know what happened there, don't pretend you don't know. 

Breakfast was clean, Jamie's toasted oats with things and stuff again. What?! I really like it!

Then I might have had a panic attack that lasted for a while. Couldn't breathe properly, it felt really heavy on my chest and my stomach. I'll tell you something right now: If you think you're having a panic attack, Ikea is the place you go to know! I mean that place will either confirm your madness or drive into one! So many children! So many people! And again soooo many children! All running around and shit! It was the thing nightmares are made of. By the time we got there, it was already past lunch time and we were hungry and exhausted from the crazy bus ride and the walking in the stormy wind called Jonas or something equally ridiculous. 

Point is: we went straight for the meatballs. Yes, that is cheesecake. Mhm, that is a Swedish bun. Hey, you only go to Ikea once! You gotta live in the moment!

I was tempted by chocolate, but Ikea clearly advises against that. 

So we did nöt.

We got home at 21:00. Hungry as fuck. Had soup and a sandwich with leftover chicken and veg.

Oh, and we shared the Swedish bun. If you know what I mean.

End of day.

Sunday

On Sunday we went crazy. We started off ok, but then...things happened.

Breakfast was this:

Then we cleaned the cupboards to re-organize stuff and throw away chocolate. We tasted some of them before throwing them away. You know, to say goodbye. 

We had movie night with people. We ordered pizza. We ate ice cream. It was amazing and really really bad.

Hey, 3 pizzas for 4 people is not that big of a crime. Plus we couldn't eat it all, so we had some on Monday. No, not for breakfast. I definitely stopped doing that. Here is a picture of ice cream: 

That was the end of it all. Long story short: I have no idea what I'm doing.

This was Week 3. See you next week. And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, forever and ever and ever. Or for as long as I can keep this up, let's start being realistic here! Now smile and wave, boys! Mamma's done for the day!

COAEE (Confessions Of An Emotional Eater) - Week 2

Le Weekend- When bad things happened. We received a grandma package from back home. Yes, it was filled with brownies and wafer cookies. All fresh, delicious and plenty.

Also, this happened at some point. Don't worry, it wasn't that good.

And this:

That's spaghetti with tuna and zucchini in a tomato sauce, topped with mozzarella. Yup, evil weekend.

Monday

11:00 Breakfast time! On Sunday a friend invited me (via the magic of facebook) to join the "Girls who eat oats in the morning" club. If you're not a foodie this sound very weird. Just roll with it, man. So, yogurt mixed with oats and almond it is! Leave them overnight in the fridge to puff up and soften up and all those lovely things. I mixed mine with vanilla, honey and lemon zest, stirred and tucked it to sleep. In the morning, I took it out of the fridge, topped it with mango, blueberries, pumpkin seeds and a drizzle of maple syrup.

I felt full and energized! What a lovely surprise after 10 days of crawling through life on an empty tank AND stomach, for that matter.

13:30 to 15:20 Cleaned a house. Fast and efficient! Very surprising!

15:25 Felt very very hungry. On my way home, I, of course, went to Lidl- The Disneyland of the poor.

16:15 Yay! Managed to spend less than an hour in there and tormented myself waaay less compared to that other time! I declared it a success! I celebrated that success by eating a banana+some roasted&salted cashew nuts on my way home.

16:45 Hoooneeey, I'm hooome! I watered some plants, changed my shoes, put the groceries in the fridge and then decided to stop doing anything else and eat! I have this gift to get wrapped up in silly things and not prioritize what I should prioritize! Had some grilled chicken leftover in the fridge, so I decided to use that in a salad. Lettuce, chicken, carrot sticks, apple slices, grated gruyere cheese, walnuts and cranberries. Filled up on half of that and then started dancing and doing push ups on the kitchen counter. I don't know what happened, man! It was a magical day! Someone put fuel in my tank and I loooved it!

20:15 I cleaned some things, re-organized some other things and then got hungry again. Ate some pastrami with cottage cheese, some tomato and onion salad and a slice of bread. Life felt simple again! It was a nice feeling.

21:46 Uh, uh, I'm getting hungry. Nooooo!

21:50 Ate 3, no, 6 pistachios.

23:10 Pistachio business is good! I'm afraid I'll turn green. It's a pretty green, but hey, It's still green.

23:19 Thinking of a banana. Not just a banana, in general. One specific banana. In a brown paper bag. Downstairs. In my kitchen. Waiting for me. Whispering sweet, nasty things in slytherin.

23:21 Too lazy to get out of bed, so banana's efforts to lure me in are pointless. Instead, I answer the calling of grissini from the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I like to keep my forbidden stash close.Why? Because I want to make sure I fail at life! I can't risk giving myself a chance! I might make it! What the fuck am I gonna do then?!

Sometime after that, I fell asleep. Day over.

Tuesday

10:30 Woke up. Started counting. No, not stars. Pains and aches. 1.Headache. 2. Latimus dorsi- repetitive strain ache + neck. 3. Lower back pain. Sciatica is sssexy. 4. Period pains. 

There you go: 4 reasons to start drinking in the morning!

10:56 Morning yoga. Necessary yoga. Stiff, old lady yoga.

11:11 Tea. One teaspoon of honey, honey.

11:32 Breakfast. Same overnight oatmeal thing. Different stuff on top. Hoping to re-create yesterdays energetic experience.

13:00 Still resisting the grandma brownies. Feels like a fucking countdown to giving in. Will I eat it now? Will I eat it now? Will I eat it later?! Exhausting!

12:58 Tea. With just a hint of Soplitza. Magical Polish booze with hazelnut flavor. Come on, baby, give mamma a kiss on the lips!

13:39 I'm hungry. Question is: am i proper hungry or is it just an illusion? Let's wait and see what happens.

15:00 Waited for a while now. Hungry. Lunch. Omlette du fromage with tomato salad, grilled pastrami, and some whipped cheese. 

15:09 Had my very last bite.Two fucking minutes later I craved something sweet with my entire soft body!

15:24 I have a brownie. I wish to have them all. Damn you grandma! You and your evil delicious treats that no one asked for but you sent anyway, so that we'd be fat forever!

15:26 Thank you, grandma. They are very yummy. No, we are not ungrateful privileged white kids with no respect for your love and efforts.

15:49 I feel sleepy and I would like to sleep in a sleepy way.

16:38 Two pieces of sugar happiness+a headache. Well done! I am so proud of myself right now :/

17:17 Feeling really thirsty. Which means I'm already dehydrated. Yay. I am doing everything right today! How about you drink more water and eat less cake, smart ass?!

18:20 Drank some water. Ate some more devil brownie. That's it, tomorrow I'm giving them away! If temptation is in every corner of your home, spreading its delicious smells and flaunting its chocolatyness with every occasion, you're gonna give in at some point! Or repeatedly!  Time to put that chocolate slut on the streets, where she belongs!

Between that and dinner all that happened was headache. All that I felt was headache. All that remained in my world and in the entire world, universe included was this bitchy headache that wouldn't go the fuck away!

21:40 Dinner. Beef and vegetable sour soup best known as the mighty, life-saving ciorba. It is believed to have magical healing powers. For the body and the soul. I can't be alone in this! I'm sure that are people out there who feel the same! Soup lovers from around the world, unite! Captain Planet style! ;)

I do not have a picture for this, I forgot to snap one every-time. Sorry. 

2:00 Yes, a.m. Glass of milk + last brownie. Goodbyeeee, brownnies!

2:25 Went to bed. Lights out, honey! You've been a very bad girl!

Wednesday 

10:30 Rise and shine!

10:56 Water! Drink water! You really need that!

11:30 Breakfast. Same oats. Pears (tossed with cinnamon&lemon juice), strawberries, basil, honey.

12:19 Ate slowly. The Never-ending Oats, ladies and gentlemen, the title of my first book! A lovely fairy tale about the miracle grain that is the oat. The magic is wearing off, only managed to eat half of that. I am officially getting bored. Experiments are hard.

13:11 Kinda empty down there in the belly district. Let's try drinking some water, maybe the hunger goes away.

Ate nuts. That's all I remember. I was busy. Didn't wanna waste time cooking, was hungry, ate nuts. Not the best idea. But not the worst either, considering I have Ben&Jerry's Cinnabon ice cream in the freezer. You know what I mean?!

17:00 Lunch. Cabbage, onions, carots, smoky meat. Put them together and you've got yourself a treat. Add a fried egg, drop some polenta on that plate, and you're done! It's really tasty. Didn't quite fill me up, though. Should have had more of that.

19:00 I ate the last of those much advertised grissini. To get it over with! Plus, I was hungry and lazy.

22:00 Yeah, dried bread sticks are not really that nutritious. A shocker, I know! So, I had half of a sandwich, half a bowl of soup and a chocolate digestive biscuit.

And then I just blacked out. Nighty night!

Thursday

10:30 Woke up. Back pain, hello! Headache, hi there! 

10:32 Yeah, fuck you guys!

11:00 Woke up again. If at first you don't succeed...give it a half an hour and hope for magic?

11:30 Ok, magic doesn't exist. I'm getting out of bed.

12:02 Breakfast. Yeah, I know what time it is. It's breakfast to me, cause it's the first meal of the day! Shut up, you can't tell me what to do! I had porridge, ok?! Judge that too! God, I can't catch a break.

Ate half, cause I'm kinda sick of oats at this point. The other half landed in the garbage. It is what it is, not all of us make it. Some get eaten, some get thrown away. It's a hard life for oats everywhere!

13:30 Yoga Camp- Yoga with Adriene. On youtube! For free! I love her! She's the best! You should check her out!

14:40 Man, hunger comes at you like a bitch! All of a sudden and out of nowhere! Let's cook something fast! 

15:20 Fast my ass! Still too slow! Damn it!  Anyway, lunch. Grilled chicken + roasted veg (from a bag, frozen) + tomato and mozzarella salad. 

15:40 Done! Full tummy, yes, sir!

16:57 Roasted cashews time. And a bite out of a very dark chocolate. Why? Because I was bored. I was reading and the automatism to just put something in one's mouth kicked in. Made me realize how fucked up and unnecessary that is! And what an evil rooted habit it is...

17:00 Dizzy. Because black chocolate was too black for me to handle. No, that is not racist. Don't roll your eyes. And don't you dare pout your lips at me!

19:00 Have a banana! 

19:01 I did! I totally did!

20:00 Would-murder-for-cookie impulse came over me. Out of the freakin' blue!

20:35 Dinner. Soup. Because curry takes forever and we're too hungry for that bullshit. No, I don't have a picture. No, I wasn't really fulfilled.

21:34 Half of pear. Eating those cakes was clearly a mistake! Now my body craves the sugar intake it got used too. I feel like a crack addict. I need the candy, the snow, the smack, man! Gimme IT!

22:20 Some nuts again. Kinda hungry, I'm not gonna lie.

1:00 Sleep. Just sleep. Try again tomorrow.

Friday

10:00 Woke up.

11:00 Breakfast. Ate half.

12:25 Kinda hungry. Had an early lunch, since I was gonna clean a house during proper lunch time. Beef and squash curry with cous cous.

12:39 Now I'm full and ready to go!

14:00 to 16:30 Cleaned house for a delusional, bitchy lil' piece of shit that wanted "everything" done in a big ass house in just 2 hours and 30 min instead of 4 and half, as reality dictates. Why? Because if there weren't any crappy people in the world we wouldn't appreciate the nice ones we usually meet.

16:50 Had a banana and some nuts on my way to Howth. The place where I buy fresh prawns. Because tomorrow is Friends Food Challenge day and that recipe ain't gonna make herself. 

17:something I receive an email stating that future bookings with the delusional have been canceled by the earlier mentioned delusional because she is delusional. I felt angry, mistreated and frustrated. Then I felt sad because there was nothing I could do about it.

I bought my prawns and tried to get a table in a restaurant, which was not easy, without a reservation. Let boyfriend know that he should come, that we should have a nice dinner in a nice place to wash away the ugliness and injustice of that day.

18:32  Found a table at The Brass Monkey. Ordered a chai latte. Waiting, looking through the menu, feeling crappy. Sciatica is hating on me. I want to drawn in sticky toffee pudding until the pain goes away. Miserable state, so of course my instinct was to resort to food. Because food can make it all better. Because food is always there. Because pudding never judges. Toffee always understands.

19:00 We order a bunch of things and decide to share them all. First, we had the Deluxe Clam Chowder. Boy, was it deluxe! Fishy joy in a bowl! Those are indeed pesto prawns floating on that creamy dream :D

Second, the duck liver parfait with crusty bread. Was alright. I have high pate expectations since the London trip and the pate that changed my life. This one didn't stand a chance. Nice, creamy texture, but the flavor was just plain and meaty, no dimensions here.

As a main we ordered the catch of the day, which happened to be salmon. Delicious! The fish was perfectly flaky and juicy, the roasted potatoes and the veggies were just as they should be, no complaints here!

You know we went for the dessert. Don't even ask me that. Sticky toffee pudding it is!

Did it make me feel better? Kind of. It's like having a cold and taking a pain pill. It's a temporary band aid. Then you go back to the pain, cause it didn't fix it. Pudding doesn't do that. I just covered it up, like cats do with their shit. But the shit is still there, you can smell it. Go pick it up and stop eating pudding! You're just eating delicious pudding in the presence of a very bad smell! You're ruining a perfectly good pudding experience!

20:30 Called the bitch to check if her diet consisted mainly of shit or solely of shit. Verdict? Shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner! And for snacks? you ask. Smaller pieces of shit, nut sized. 

20:35 I was angry. I turned to yoga. Yoga said:

But my tits were not easy to calm, cause they were pissed off! Good yoga session though. I'm really focused when I'm mad.

21:30  Wrote angry e-mail for justice purposes. Boyfriend edited angry e-mail because, even though it made some good points, it was aggressive,passive aggressive and sarcastic as fuck. First drafts tend to be like that when dealing with stupidity!

Spoiler alert: justice was served on Monday. It felt good.

12:00 Protein bar. 

12:something Made bed on the floor because the back pain was killing me. Eventually fell asleep.

Conclusions:

1. I need to work on letting thing go. This is no news for me. 

2. Need to keep up the research I started to see what's happening to my gut and my muscles. I'm currently reading two books hoping to get there faster.

3. I know it will take a while. And lots of patience.

4. I learned  (again) that attitude towards food makes a big difference. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and the things that I "can't have", I try to focus on what I am having and how I can make that pretty and tasty. Put in the effort to make it look nice, then it will feel nice! Like a treat not a punishment!

5. A difficult one: STOP postponing! Eat when you are hungry! Prepare the food before you get to a crazy angry point! Because, honey, it's only downhill from there and meltdowns are not pretty.

This was Week 2. See you next week. And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that, forever and ever and ever. 

S02E01 The one with the carpaccio

Season twooooo! We've made it to season two!

A mini wave in celebration of me! I thought we were gonna get cancelled soon after the pilot, but look at us now!


Ok, it's a tad too much, it's not like it's season 10! I know, I know. Stop raining on my parade! Party over, let's get back to business. Today's episode is “The one with five steaks and an eggplant”. This episode is bursting with recipes, the first one on the list is Carpaccio. Yes, some people do say that's just raw meat and that it's disgusting. Stop listening to the masses, expand that view of yours and embrace some weird stuff in your life. If you are a newbie in this area (as I was) you're gonna wanna start with this guy:

This is Vittorio Carpaccio and he was a Venetian painter. It's sad that he's more famous (among us, simpletons, at least) for a dish that was named after him then for being a painter. Lemme tell you the story. Once upon a time there was a man called Giuseppe Cipriani. He, like all of us at one point in our lives, had a dream: he wanted to have a bar to call his own and name it Harry's Bar because... that makes no sense whatsoever. Who the fuck is Harry?! My bets are on “gay lover” who is not hairy at all ;) Where was I? Oh yeah, so Giuseppe opened a bar and named it after the love of his life, Harry. The bar became a hit! Everybody loved Harry's Bar! One day the countess Amalia Nani Mocenigo (who has done nothing relevant in her entire life) entered Harry's Bar and acted like a snooty countess. Apparently her doctor advised her to eat raw meat instead of cooked, so she asked the chef to come up with something she could eat. And that event, ladies and gentlemen, is the most significant thing she's ever done in her privileged countess life. Talk about the right “disease” at the right time, in the right place! Anyway, Giuseppe stepped up to the challenge and essentially didn't try much. First he panicked, then he finely sliced some beef, pounded it (he was good at that, ask Harry) and drizzled it with a cream-colored sauce (worry not, it's just a olive oil and lemon juice emulsion). He looked at it, remembered that there is an exhibition dedicated to Vittorio Carpaccio (like right around the corner) and then his brain made the magical connection. Well, no, that was just a coincidence. He named it after Caravaggio because—aaaa! Carpaccio! Damn it! It was bound to happen. He named it after him because Carpaccio was known for the characteristic red and white tones of his work.

Disclaimer: This is the spicy version of the real story. Facts may have been twisted for my own entertainment and maybe with the purpose of tickling one fancy or another. For the real, boring story search your usual information channels. Or believe mine and help spread it! Like a disease! Or not, you know, whatever... Be the change you want to see in the world! Here at gogocherie.com we embellish stories to bring light into the lives of others. If you want to join our cause please email us at fake.it.till.you.make.it@gmail.com. No weirdos, please.

Things and stuff:

  • a well sharpened knife
  • a whisk
  • a bowl or two (who's counting?)

It was this big:

  • 8 glorious cuts of pink beef

It took this long:

  • 10-15 minutes

Ingredients:

The Process:

Step 1: Make a vinaigrette by mixing two-three tablespoons of olive oil with the juice of half of lemon, salt and pepper.

Step 2: Whisk, baby, whisk! It shall be transformed into this magical looking "potion":

Step 3: Slice your hunk of beef. Thinly. Do not strive for thinness too much though! You risk destroying the slices and ending up with fringes. If you think they're too thick, just wait a minute! We'll get to that.

Step 4: Get yourself some cling film. Arrange beef on it. Cover with cling film and simply pound it with your palm or cute-but-firm lil'fist. It will expand easily and obviously.

Step 5: Now they're tired after all that pounding. Offer them a plate to lay on and look pretty and ruby-cheeked (innuendo over). Sprinkle with salt.

Step 6: Drizzle some of the lovely vinaigrette on top. Use the rest to dress those salad leaves and put that on top, like a crown on a queen. And then disregard the ridiculous comparison and add big, bold, parmesan shavings allover.

That is all. Now, summon up some courage and put that in your mouth.

Feedback: I'm not in the most meat loving time in my life, so for me it was just alright. My boyfriend was blown away. He didn't expect to like it so much and he kept saying things like "We're gonna do that again!". Yes, in that fat Monica voice. If you are a meat lover, I really recommend this. Very easy to put together and let's face it, it puts you in a very sophisticated light. If you eat it alone you're a snob, if you make it for a dinner party you're fancy. Either way, worth the try. It's like a personality test: "Are you the Carpaccio eating type or a closeted vegetarian?" Take our test and you will never have to ask yourself this terrifying question again.

Ragazzi, buon appetito! Until the next one, happy eating!